Chapter 14: new solutions, new problems

From Fiona’s diary:

Today it would be my Mandy’s first date. I woke up feeling still a bit uncertain about her, but I had calmed down a little. I had reviewed in my mind the way she’d reacted to me when I told her I loved her, and it seemed clear that she’d welcomed it. If I let my doubts get the better of me, I could see how it might have been relief at me not being angry about her foot thing, rather than sharing similar feelings for me, but my best guess was she really wanted me, and if she did, even if it wasn’t quite love yet, it could become so. If I couldn’t seduce her, with all the advantages I had been given, I didn’t deserve her. Well, deserve wasn’t really the right word, no-one deserved someone as sweet and selfless as she was, but I had everything in my favour. All I had to do was stop fucking things up.

Before I went to school I prepared a small box with cosmetics. At eighteen we didn’t need a great deal of help, but a little understated touch could make quite a difference. I hadn’t noticed her applying any, and didn’t remember seeing signs of them at her place, so it would be best if I provided something, just in case.

I found Amanda talking to Sylvia at the school’s entrance, and was amused to notice Sampo checking them both out, with a smile on his face. I hoped the date would go well. In spite of my bout of insecurity yesterday, I wanted Amanda to have fun and enjoy it. She deserved it. I greeted both girls, and wasn’t so amused to see Stacy glaring at us.

“I’ve been thinking”, I said. “We could go home with you right after school, and Sampo could pick you up there instead. Otherwise you have to go on what you’re wearing now. That’s if Syl has time.”

“Sure”, said Sylvia. “There’s nothing wrong with your clothes for going to school, but for a date we should be able to get something a bit more interesting.”

“Won’t he mind if I change plans on the last moment like that?” said Amanda.

“Nah”, said Sylvia. “You’re a girl. You’re allowed to change your mind.” We laughed. “I’ll tell him if you’re nervous.”

“Oh, yeah, that’d be--” said Amanda.

“Unnecessary”, I said. “You have to get used to speaking up for yourself.”

“But Fiona?”

“But nothing”, I said, firmly.

Syl’s offer was well-meant, but Amanda needed to stop depending on others for things like this. She nodded, and I was happy to see I still held sway over her after all that had happened. It seemed she hadn’t been put off by knowing I loved her, and she didn’t take me for granted, either. No harm done, as far as I could see.

“You’re too hard on her”, said Sylvia.

“No, she’s ... she’s right”, said Amanda. “Thanks for offering though, Sylvia. You’re very kind to me.”

Sylvia blushed.

“Well, I have to admit ... I thought maybe if you went with Sampo--” said Sylvia, clearly embarrassed.

I clapped my hands, making both jump. “Girls, no time for this now. See you both later.”

I had things to do during the break. It may have seemed easy to get everyone on track for Halloween, but I knew from experience I had to keep on top of things. I made sure to talk to all the groups of people involved, though I also managed to watch Amanda from afar, talking to Sampo. It didn’t take them long, and both were blushing by the time it was done. It was a pity that I couldn’t supervise their date, as it would surely prove entertaining. Unfortunately, I had to be at home, as Mother wanted to talk. Of course, my presence wouldn’t exactly help Mandy relax, and Sampo seemed intimidated by me as well, so it was probably for the best.

After everyone had been reassured and given instructions, I spent the last of the break with Kira. Megan wasn’t with her, and I preferred it that way.

“I’d no idea how much work it took to ... be you”, said Kira.

“I don’t blame you”, I said. “It’s not usual to see it. Sometimes I think Stacy doesn’t know what she’s in for, and that her best punishment would be to let her take it.”

Kira frowned.

“Wow, are you that tired of it?” she said.

“It’s not so much that”, I said. “Part of what I do involves making it all look effortless, so I’ve never really discussed it with anyone, but I really feel like focussing on myself now. There’s a lot on my plate: Amanda, track and football, my grades, my university application--”

“That’s still a long way off”, said Kira.

I shook my head.

“Early action”, I said. “I barely have a month to finish it.”

“Oh? Where are you going?”

“Stanford.”

Kira whistled.

“I always forget you could be a nerd yourself.”

“It’s not like you’re dumb, either.”

Kira chuckled.

“No”, she said. “But I’m also not fussed enough to get the sort of grades you and Amanda do.”

“Anyway, point is, I feel it’s all a big distraction from the things I should be concentrating on now.”

I looked around, seeing all the students playing, giggling and enjoying themselves, and wanted to let it all go and be like them. Of course it was all an illusion. Everyone had their own problems. It was still true I felt responsible for far more than most people did, though, and it was taking a toll.

“So why don’t you drop it? There’s no law making you run the school. I thought you liked it.”

I sighed.

“Sure I like it, Kira”, I said. “The sort of person I am, I always think I know better than anyone else.” Kira snorted. “You know I’m not often wrong, either. I won’t deny some of it was the fun of the challenge, too, but now?”

“Not fun anymore?”

“I just want to cuddle my girlfriend and let the world burn some days.”

Kira laughed. “You don’t even have a girlfriend!” she said.

“No, but I could any time I wanted. You know what I mean.”

She touched my shoulder to stop me from walking, and looked at me with a serious expression.

“You think I wouldn’t do well?” she said.

Should I be honest or polite? Let’s try both.

“You’d do fine, but the sort of place you’d run would not be too nice for Amanda”, I said. “For obvious reasons that has become quite important to me.”

“Not because of her--”

“Right, not her personally. I’ll take care of her come what may. For the type of person like her who doesn’t have someone like me.”

Kira nodded.

“How’s Jimmy doing?” I said.

She blushed and looked away.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Kira.”

“I’m trying, ok?” she said. “It’s just ... so tempting to keep grinding her--him--down. He’s not even resisting that hard, though he still screws up when we push him a little. He’s ... losing weight and kind of ... not really getting much sleep.”

I glared at her. I didn’t want Jimmy’s eyes to haunt my dreams.

“You promised me you would take care of him, Kira. You’ll keep your word, or I’ll keep it for you.”

“I’ll give him a break, but it’s so hard to restrain myself. How the hell do you do it?”

“With great difficulty”, I said. “It’s the cost of power, though. You have to have at least as much control of yourself as you have over anyone else.”

“I bet you don’t find it so easy when Mandy’s asking for it”, she said, smirking.

I hated to admit it, but I had made big mistakes with Amanda. My impatience and impulsiveness had got the better of me more than once. I winced and nodded to Kira.

“I ... didn’t really mean that, Fiona. I know you care about her.”

“Oh, well, everybody poops, even me”, I said, making us both laugh.

That talk with Kira helped me make my mind. I’d try to keep on top of things, but I’d do it my way. If it didn’t work, I’d take care of my own: Amanda, of course, my previous pets, and my friends. There were enough of us we’d be able to face anything, other than perhaps the entire school arrayed against us, and that wasn’t going to happen.

As a part of that, for lunch, I got Amanda, Syl and Rose to join us. I also decided I’d give boys more of a chance, but I had to start with the people I already knew well. I had casual acquaintance with a few nerd boys, but I mostly stuck to the girls. The boys I was closest to were the popular ones I had to keep an eye on. Not all of them were dicks, either.

Megan was about to complain when I brought Amanda and Sylvia in, but she shut up when I called Rose as well. There was hope for her yet.

The tables sat six. I was in the middle, with Megan on my left and Kira on my right. Opposite us sat the three shy girls. Rose faced Megan, and was a little flustered about it, while Syl faced Kira. In between sat Amanda, surprisingly calm. I realised knowing I loved her must have given her a lot more confidence. I liked seeing her grow stronger, though I also enjoyed the way she depended on my help, looked for my approval and trusted my judgement.

“Hey, Rose”, said Megan. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Sorry”, said Rose, looking at her food. “Busy with school. Hope you didn’t need anything?”

“Nah”, said Megan. “Only wondering. We had fun last time you came to visit.”

Rose blushed.

“Speaking of which,” I said, “you’re all invited to my place next weekend.”

“Not tomorrow, right?” said Sylvia.

“No”, I said. “You’re coming tomorrow, though, Amanda.” She nodded. At least I’d given her something to think about other than her date. “I mean the one after that. I’m hoping to get two more people in and have some fun with you all. Should go together on Friday after the match. You can stay until Sunday evening, or Monday morning if you like.”

“Sure you want me to come?” said Rose.

“Of course”, I said. “You know we’re friends, right?”

“Yeah but ... that’s an awful lot of people”, said Rose.

“You’ll be fine”, said Megan. “It’s just us and a couple more. You know Amanda?”

“Uh, seen her around, but ... haven’t talked much”, she said.

“Amanda’s alright”, said Syl. Nice of her. It would have more weight coming from a fellow nerd.

Kira ate her food as we talked, quiet and pensive. I wondered if our talk had given her as much to think about as it had me. Syl tried to exchange a few words with her, but she wasn’t very responsive.

“So who else is coming?” said Sylvia.

“You know Anna, Stacy’s friend?” said Kira, joining the conversation at last.

“Talked to her once or twice”, said Rose. “Seems sad, missing something.”

“Can’t say I have”, said Syl. “She’s always with Stacy and ... well...”

“You’re scared shitless of her?” said Kira, making Syl blush. Seeing Sylvia’s reaction, she looked at me and smirked. “I want this one. Can I keep her?”

Sylvia fumbled with her cutlery, looking down, but she managed to recover and look back at Kira, reproachfully.

“Who’s the other one then?” said Rose.

“Eve”, I said.

Sylvia dropped her fork on her dish, Amanda looked at me like I had run her kitten over, and Rose ... looked at Megan.

“Uh, Fiona?” said Amanda. “Are you ... sure that’s a good idea? I mean--”

“Don’t you trust me, Mandy?” I said. “Eve will behave. It’s going to be a fun weekend for everyone, ok?”

Amanda and Rose nodded, and Kira snorted. Doubtless she was wondering how I’d keep Eve in check, but it was simpler than she thought. I’d just offer her what she wanted: a chance to tame someone of her own. Mandy was mine, and Megan wouldn’t let go of Rose that easily, but Syl and Anna could end up with anyone. If Eve played by my rules, I’d let her have a go at them. Of course that only gave her an opening. It would be Eve’s job to convince, intrigue or seduce one of the two, though the setting, with other girls accepting the situation as normal, would help a lot with that. Still, Eve’s reputation for unkindness would take some work to overcome, but that wasn’t my problem.

“I’m not sure you understand, Fiona”, said Sylvia.

“Give her a chance”, I said. “We’ve all made mistakes, right? I’ll talk to her.”

Sylvia still looked sceptical, but she was unwilling to contradict me further. Then Kira worked out the implications.

“Oh, I’ll take care of you, Syl”, she said. “If you ask nicely, that is.”

“Kira!” I said, amused.

“I can count up to eight, you know. Amanda and you, Rose and Megan ... Syl and I if she’s sweet to me ... or maybe Anna will be more fun, and Eve can take Syl. Would you like that better, Sylvia?”

Then I got a flash of inspiration. One of those that comes at random from nowhere. Sylvia liked being played with, but it had been making her more and more unhappy. Maybe what she needed was a chance to see what it was like from the other end. At least it would make things interesting.

“Ok, Sylvia”, I said. “You’ve convinced me. Eve’s out.” The three shy girls sighed in relief, and Kira pouted.

I leaned closer to Kira, and whispered in her ear.

“You already have Jimmy, don’t be greedy. What I’d like you to do is show Sylvia how to do it. Teach her how to take Anna for you both.”

Kira gasped, closed her mouth, gave it a couple of seconds thought, and nodded.

“What are you cooking up?” said Megan, frowning. “Now we won’t be eight, and Eve’s quite a lot of fun. I was looking forward to it.”

Rose smiled at her.

“Eve’s a mean fuck”, she said. “Don’t be like her. I love it when you let your real self out, Meg. You’re awesome underneath. No need to hide it.”

I was expecting an explosion from Megan, but she just blushed and nodded. I’d no idea Rose had that in her. It went to show everyone had their own strengths. That unexpected compliment had gone through Megan’s defences, being entirely sincere. It had made Rose vulnerable, but perhaps that was why it worked.

Maybe there was something for me to learn there. I often used honesty in my favour, but that was a step beyond, opening oneself to attack. Probably it worked even better because for Rose it was no ploy, but simply who she was. That didn’t mean I couldn’t try to do something similar, if the chance ever presented itself, though.

For some reason, seeing Rose support Megan that way, giving her the confidence to grow into her better self, took me out of my mood. I was the first to know submissive people could be some of the strongest, but even I forgot about it now and then, failing to realise they were assets, too. No matter what, I had a bunch of friends I could count on, and they all had contributions to make. Things would all work out, somehow. We’d find a way, all together.

I was about to pick Amanda and Syl up when I saw Stacy talking to them. Both of my girls looked uncomfortable. I quietly approached, hoping to overhear them.

“So, tell her to leave Anna alone, got it?” said Stacy.

“We don’t exactly tell Fiona what to do”, said Sylvia.

“You just pass on the message for me”, said Stacy.

I approached her from the back. I wanted to wait to see if she would take it further, but I didn’t want Amanda’s mood to be spoiled, so I intervened immediately.

“I believe you wanted to tell me something”, I said. “I’m always willing to take a personal message.”

“What the hell!” she said, turning towards me.

“What was it you wanted, Stacy?” I said, with the exasperated tone of a mother losing patience with her child.

“I want you to leave Anna be!” she said.

“I haven’t done her any harm”, I said. “I just invited her to my place. It’s almost as if you didn’t like me.”

She stepped closer to me, and I stood my ground.

“You’re a bunch of freaks”, she said. “A tomboy who could never get a boyfriend and a bunch of losers begging for her scraps.”

“Sure I am”, I said. “Makes one wonder what you must be for people to like me better. Ah, yes, a silly spoiled brat who needs her parents to bribe so-called friends to hang around with her. Run along now.”

She shoved me. I retained my balance, and shoved her back, making her stumble. She was strong and graceful, but I was better. She realised I was willing to get physical, and that she had few chances against me, so she turned away, and flounced off.

“Sorry about that, sweetie”, I said. “Let’s not allow this to spoil your date, though.”

“Right!” said Sylvia, trying to cheer Amanda up. “We’ll get you ready to rock Sampo’s world.”

Amanda introduced Sylvia to Lucia as we got home, and she asked me to talk to me for a moment. We went into the living room, while Syl went to help and advise Mandy.

“Fiona,” said Lucia, “I don’t understand why you’re helping Amanda date someone else.”

“I’m her friend”, I said.

“Alright, maybe this is just a fond mother’s hope, but I thought you, well, liked my girl.”

I pondered how much to tell her.

“Lucia, I really like Amanda. I told her this, too. For me it’s not a problem if she has a good time with someone else, though. Don’t you think she deserves some fun? Something nice and pleasant?”

“Of course she does”, said Lucia. “It’s just ... I would have thought you would want to do that for her yourself.”

“And I do. There’s no reason why Sampo can’t do it too, though. I can’t be with her all the time, right? Also, if I may say so ... Amanda’s a little naive. I think it’s only fair she gets a chance to know her own taste a little better. She shouldn’t just settle for the first person who likes her.”

Lucia looked at me in some confusion.

“You sound really calm about it. Do you really care so little?”

I looked into Lucia’s eyes, and let her see my desire.

“I care more than words can express. It’s not indifference, Lucia. It’s the certainty of knowing we are made for each other. I know how well we fit. If I’m wrong...” I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to imagine it. “Well, that will hurt. A lot. But it’s Amanda’s decision. Anyway, dating Sampo is irrelevant to whether she wants me or not, in the end.”

She got up, walked to me and hugged me.