Chapter 1

“Damn,” I said aloud to myself while at home, just three minutes after my latest girlfriend walked out on me, “It sucks to be alone on New Years’ Eve.”

“Yeah, tell me about it!” I heard a voice behind me, “I think that you held onto her bitchy ass far too long so as to have company through this date. Not that I blame you, but you can do better, you know.”

“Okay, now ... who are you and where are you?” I asked as I poured myself some coffee and added some Irish Cream to it.

“I’m one of the Fae. Long story behind it, but we’re real, buddy. We’re also invisible most of the time, so yeah, you can’t see me right now. I came to make a sort of ... business proposition to you, mostly because I think that you’re the ideal target or tool or whatever. You’re not bad for a humble book editor, I can tell you that. Better than Martin Tupper from Dream On. He was a lot more pathetic.”

“You watch TV, then?” I asked the faerie, somewhat amused and shocked now.

“All the time. I can even tell you your personal Netflix password. I also watched you fuck several babes, and I must say, while she’s a real cunt, your newest ex is pretty hot! What was her issue with you, anyway? Something to do with her religion or whatever? You mortals have some odd beliefs that displaced your awareness of us. Not very bright, I might add. We’re real. That Jesus dude was real, but his conception was hardly virgin and he wasn’t God, or His Son, for that matter. I know because we Fae see everything that happens, whether we can prevent it or not. That’s our torment at times. Patrick screwed things up badly by chasing out our worshipers,” the faerie continued their explanation.

“Tang Soyon. On and off again girlfriend, though I’ve had others. Korean girl, very Christian family. Our parents kept pushing us together, but I was a bit of a heathen influence on her. Her bitchiness, I think, is due to the conflict between my new values and the old morals that our parents raised us to have. It stresses her out a lot and she snaps at me. Yes, though, she wanted to go to her parents’ church with me for a New Year’s Eve midnight service and I just wasn’t up to it.

“I mean, honestly, I’m not a hypocrite and I’m tired of pretending to believe that whole Bible bullshit. She’s not happy to know this. She loves me, loves fucking me, but she constantly feels guilt about premarital sex and she wants to ‘get right with God’ every now and then. Like I said, it’s a real strain,” I clarified for the Fae’s benefit.

“That’s more or less what I surmised. Thanks for clearing that up. This was her rather God awful notion of a great date, going to the damn Christian church! At least she’s not a Mormon, I suppose. They’re worse, bunch of closet racists with junk history and archaeology at their roots. Joseph Smith was just a snake-oil salesman with a slicker schtick. Now, I don’t think that was the only part, or am I wrong?” the faerie continued with their probe, amusing me a bit.

“No, she also doesn’t like what she thinks is my ‘excessive’ lust for some celebrities, some of my porn, the fact that I’m bisexual, and the fact that I screw other people as well as her. I’ve never hidden any of this from her, she’s tried to accept it, I think, but she really struggles with it, even more than the other girls have. So, there you go. That all stems, to my mind, though, from her continued cognitive dissonance between Christianity and her desires, intellect, instincts, etc. You know ... Nature,” I explained my view on the matter, hoping that I hadn’t gone bonkers or something.

“No, you haven’t gone crazy, and yes, I know Nature far better than you mortals do, I can assure you of that. Now, listen closely. I’m ready to make you a deal. I want you to do some things for me ... for the Fae in general, as it were, but in return, name certain boons, and they are yours. Twelve boons for twelve moons. I love things that rhyme. Wishes, in case you didn’t know that. Do these assignments and the twelve boons are granted, no fine print, no loss of your soul, or anything horrid like that. This is a New Year’s Eve tradition, but so few takers of late. Too many folks think that they’re hallucinating, don’t hear my voice, or see them as Satanic. Damn shame!” the Fae elaborated a bit.

“Any twelve boons, in return for what tasks, precisely?” I felt both excited and curious, yet apprehensive and anxious.

“I want ... or rather we want, but only I have dared so far to act upon this, because the other Fae haven’t decided on this controversy. I’m ... more aggressive, bolder, perhaps, but I’m willing to act, so here it is. I want ... in a nutshell, to take drastic action to stop this destruction of the environment, of the planet, by many members of your race. Now, I happen to know that many of your fellow mortals ... disagree with the harm that is being done to Nature and to the Earth, to our world. I know that it’s not all of you by any means. But there’s a lot of you mortals, the more foolish ones, who are seriously endangering man, beast, and Fae alike.

“I will grant you some powers, in addition to these twelve boons, as necessary, to carry out the tasks, assuming that we can all agree on what actions to take here. Whatever powers I deem necessary, though they may or may not last beyond what is necessary to achieve your work, your task. Suffice it to say that your life will never be the same and it will be much, much better due to this pact. Do you consent, then? Do you agree, in return for twelve boons, to help me arrive at a plan to thwart these evil works of destruction and save the world, save our shared habitat?” the Fae now demanded to know.

“It’s a deal. Do I sign something or what?” I asked it.

“Not exactly. You gave your verbal consent. That suffices. We Fae communicate such things telepathically to others and they are then compiled in the Chamber of Archives. Your assent, just now, is making its way through the bureaucracy, as it were, and it is now irrevocable. If you renege, I must warn you that the punishments that you will suffer will be unbearably hellish. Our gratitude is immense, but so is our vengeance. Trust me on this point, for your own sake! I think that you’re a good man and will keep your word, but I had to warn you, just in case. Also, so that you’re reminded,” the Fae then pressed something against my right cheek, burning as if a brand into my flesh.

“What was that?” I asked, stunned at this development.

“It’s the Mark of Fae. It shows all Fae that you’re in league with us. You have a covenant with one of our kind. No mortal can see it, just a burn that will appear to heal with time, but the brand or mark will remain as a brand invisible to all save us. I’m pleased, incidentally, that you’re loathe to shave any of your face. Much more natural that way. It shows a certain affinity for Mother Nature, you see. I feel the same way about women, but I understand if you, as a mortal man, disagree. A good bush is best. Just my take on things.

“So, any thoughts on how to achieve your purpose ... what can be done to save this world from this whole mess?” the Fae now inquired of me.

“Well, some rather bizarre ideas did occur to me, but if it happened, there would be a lot of displacement, disruption, etc. A lot of chaos and dislocation. Turmoil, if you will. It would correct a lot of things, though. Eventually, I think that people would get over it. They’d get used to it. I may.need godlike powers, if you will, at various points, depending on how my boons go. Certain powers, you see. The sort of people who need to be dealt with, as you know, take superstition to levels that are truly staggering and disturbing. They’ll need to be, shall we say, strong-armed a bit. Scared and coerced. Free will’s not gonna cut it for them,” I cautioned the Fae dealing with me.

“Fair enough. I feared and suspected as much. I’m glad to see your ruthlessness in this respect, even if it involves some unpleasantness, Frank. So, what boons do you want from me, then? Let’s see what we can do to improve your life in thanks for your aid. Again, be warned that if you cross us, all of these boons will be taken away forever. You only get twelve, so choose well,” the Fae reminded me, making me grin.

“Okay, then, the first boon is instant and permanent wealth. I want to never have to worry about money again. Total financial security. I imagine that can be arranged, right? If I’m going to do what I do, what I intend, it will help if I don’t have to work a normal day job ever again or worry about bills. I want to be able to donate to anyone, any amount of money, and it never make a dent in my personal fortune. Sound fair?” I asked the faerie, who cleared his throat and then moved my cell phone up to my eyes to show me the login screen for my bank.

Suddenly, before my very naked eyes, my bank account flashed and the figures in both my checking and savings accounts were so large they exceeded the available space to record them. It was quite clear that I was now the richest man, or even person, on the planet. I had an astonishing level of affluence, one that would dwarf anything that Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Warren Buffett, or Richard Branson could conceive in their wildest dreams.

“Done. Money is never an object for you again. You’re technically richer than the Vatican now, as a matter of fact! Which is where the money came from. The sick thing is that they still have a butt-load of money. All that I did was deduct half of their assets and transfer them directly to you. Yes, I quite literally robbed Peter to pay Paul, or Frank in this case. Better yet, they’ll never be able to trace it to you. I’ve made sure of that. It will be much harder to cover up any more abuse, won’t it? Unless you cross me, us, that is,” the Fae implied a very real threat to remind me who was in charge.

“Understood. Okay, second boon, then ... I want permanent robust health, youth, beauty, strength, endurance, etc. for myself and anyone else who I slap on the ass. If my hand makes contact with their buttocks, they’ll never have to fear any form of aging, sickness, congenital health issues, natural death or anything of that sort. Only by unnatural means can any of us be killed. All of my existing health problems, such as my diabetes, are to go away, too. Deal?” I stipulated carefully, not wishing to leave any loopholes.

“Done!” the Fae announced before it went to work on my body, though it caused me to have to rush to the bathroom due to the unexpected side effects, “sorry about that, chap. It’s a bit like birth pangs. Your whole body is experiencing a trauma of sorts as it regenerates you afresh, a whole new, superhuman being. That’s what you and your future companions or confederates will be, you know. Superhumans. Heroes. Gods, almost. At least in the sense of invulnerable to the usual, natural ills and risks. Well done, though. People often rush to self-aggrandizement without ever considering the future, their health, or anything of the kind. Now, however, for you and your lucky friends, the future is going to be very bright indeed.”

“Thank you. My third boon is this: mind powers similar to those of the Jedi. Where they affect the weak-minded, which is the majority, I believe, and only fail to affect the strong. Those who are strong-minded deserve to keep their free will to a certain extent, but the rest of them need firm guidance, anyway. All that I have to do is suggest something and the weak-minded will simply repeat my words back to me and comply with my suggestions, believe them implicitly and without hesitation or doubt,” I now proposed while washing my hands and face, making the Fae laugh.

“An excellent idea and certainly a great observation about many mortals. So many sheep, so few wolves among you. I think that’s a large part of your problem, I dare say. You’re victims of your own success. Too many have survived and passed on genes that might have been better weeded out of the genepool, if you will. It’s weakened the breed. Just as sheep, cattle, and deer need wolves, human populations need some kind of cull at times. War used to help with that, but you’ve grown clever enough not to let the levels of war reach the extent or degree needed to keep your populations in check. No doubt, you have ideas for that kind of thing, too, being so wise,” the Fae acknowledged as it empowered me with this last gift.

“Yes, and so my fourth boon is this: I want to be able to smite people with diseases, plagues, infertility, impotence, etc. on a whim and heal them just as easily. Think of it! I could possibly decimate the ranks of any army, cause or end a baby boom, make the rich suffer the same ravages as the poor, and even make rulers desperate enough to agree to anything, including a climate treaty or higher carbon taxes, just to stop the plague. For instance, I could do real harm to the Quiverfull movement and its goals of large, Christian families bred in that kind of silly superstition. What would the husbands do if the wives suddenly went from baby machines to barren soil? What would the wives do? It might interesting to watch,” I chuckled, eager to see this kind of dream or fantasy come to fruition.

“Excellent! That will markedly cull the ranks of humanity to far more acceptable levels in the long run. I can see it now. I would feel pity for them if many of them didn’t typically believe that I’m a demon and show such unreasonable ignorance and arrogance. While it certainly helps you with increased leverage, it also very much favors us all, Fae, man, and beast alike. Your fourth boon is very much granted to you,” the Fae reassured me, evidently pleased with my attitude.

“Very well, then. The next boon is that none can lie to me. All must automatically tell me the truth, whatever it is. If I ask a person a question, the truth will simply spill from their mouths, whatever the consequences might be. I’m gonna have real fun with this one, I believe. I’ve got so many questions for a lot of people and I’m convinced that a lot of people will have to stop lying to themselves as well as me in order to answer them truthfully. I’m tired of liars, frauds, hypocrites, etc. and I intend to use this boon not only to get the truthful answers for myself, but also to expose many of this sort. That’s number five by my own count,” I noted, very pleased with the results so far.

“Number six?” the Fae probed.

“Well, I want vastly superior knowledge of everything humanly possible, to the point that I already know all languages, every mathematical equation, all accurate historical facts, etc. I want to even know every martial-arts move, etc. to the point that I wouldn’t have to practice them to use them, either. Every skill known to man. All geography. All military tactics. Done. Mine at my fingertips whenever I wish it. If I want to be able to move like something about of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, so be it. All that immense information and data recorded in a perfect brain that can now handle it all,” I listed my sixth boon, getting a quick silence in response before I heard a finger snap and a flash briefly blind me.

“Done. You can even translate and write Braille if you should wish it. You’re now the world’s supreme expert on literally everything knowable in the human realm. Your IQ is off the charts now and would put MENSA members to shame. You’re now officially the smartest mortal alive. I have to warn you that some of your knowledge is so secret that you will automatically make enemies just by having it ... should they learn of it. But yeah, you’re the new Einstein, Newton, Hocking, Sagan, etc. Congratulations on your vastly superior intellect!” the Fae flattered me now.

“Okay, then. Number seven is that I will be able to travel freely through space and time as I please. Just vanish and reappear, any place, any time, etc. without necessarily messing up the current timeline,” I declared for obvious reasons.

“Excellent plan. That way, even if you accidentally caused the South to win the American Civil War, for instance, that would only create an alternate universe where they did, not disturb this one. Also, this means that if you wanted to take a quick holiday anywhere on the planet, you instantly could. No need for cars, planes, etc. And you could freak people out by vanishing in front of them,” the Fae applauded me on that score.

“Precisely. What if I got into a tight mess and needed to escape? I could do so a lot easier this way than otherwise,” I replied with a grin.

“Done. Good point. It’s always nice to be able to escape whenever necessary. Smart and it shows enough awareness of your own mortality to prove that these boons haven’t gotten to your head, at least not yet. Mind you, folks will start thinking that you’re a god or angel or something with all of these powers, but that’s hardly a bad thing, is it?” the Fae asked rhetorically.

“Would I be able to even enter and leave fictional universes, such as the ones for the Highlander, Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, Buffy, etc.?” I wondered aloud.

“I hadn’t thought of that, but I see no reason why not. In some ways, that runs less risk of negative effects, such as creating a new timeline, not that you should avoid that, either, as I said. It would also be fun to watch you interact with such fictional beings, who in those universes would be as real as you or me. Remember what Dumbledore told Harry. Just because something is in your head doesn’t make it less than real. The mind, really, is a universe all of its own,, “ the Fae informed me, much to my delight.

“Very well, then. My eighth boon is that I will be ... able to summon any human sexual partner aged fourteen years old or above, of my preference, male, female, or otherwise to service me whenever and however I please for as long and often as I wish, without any kind of protest, resistance, hesitation, reluctance, scruples, or qualms whatsoever. Basically, every person of age on Earth is now my booty call, no matter how rich, famous, powerful, smart, or pious they are. I can summon them in groups or individually, but they’ll never even contemplate defying or harming me at all. All that I need to do is telepathically summon them and they shall instantly appear to me, in whatever state of dress or undress shall please me at the time,” I felt a bit more nervous about asking this boon, but the Fae simply chuckled again.

“Good one! You’re one man who’ll never have another dry spell again, though arguably you wouldn’t, anyway, with all of your other advantages. Women especially can’t resist a man like you, trust me on that point. It’s only female nature at least to seek out the most powerful mates available in order to benefit their spawn. You’re Superman now, or at least Nietzsche’s Superman. Nobody will be able to resist you. Still, it’s very canny of you to cover every possible angle. You’d make a great lawyer, minus the lack of scruples, of course,” the Fae snickered at its own joke now, “I am curious as to the age limit, though. Why fourteen?”

“Simple. I’m no cradle robber. I find any kind of sexual advances toward those who are not naturally mature enough to be perverse, disgusting, and morally evil. Since it varies far too much to pinpoint a certain physical phase, I have to resort to an arbitrary number to be practical. Fourteen makes the closest estimate for my uses, including now with my improved intellect. That’s just my personal code of ethics, you see. I understand if you don’t quite see it that way, given how long you’ve been around and such,” I noted, quite aware that the Fae were very ancient.

“Well, yes, I have some difficulty understanding some mortal logic about this kind of thing, but then I don’t have the human experience to fully relate to some of the possible consequences to activities of that nature below the various ages suggested by humans. Yours is probably the most sensible of any arbitrary numbers set so far from what I can deduce. In any case, I respect your standards. I especially appreciate that it shows that you have some kind of conscience.

“You haven’t simply helped yourself to everyone, which you might have, particularly since I don’t have any skin in that game and thus can be a bit more dispassionate or detached. I’m sure that it’s very complex, but at times simplistic answers are necessary, I concede,” the Fae answered me in a cooler tone, simply because it really didn’t judge such things, having witnessed aeons of human civilization and the worst atrocities mankind had ever committed.

“Glad that you can see my perspective. Anyway, that leaves four more, doesn’t it? I want to be able to redraw the political maps of the entire world with instant effects that can only be amended, revoked, revised, modified, or otherwise changed by me. I will be able to basically create, remove, shrink, or enlarge countries, handpick their rulers and governments, and have these changes immediately take effect without any effective resistance or opposition to them whatsoever. I will be a one-man Congress of Vienna, if you will. Not only will I rule a nation of my creation and choice, but I will impose my own version of international law on everywhere else, acting as a kingmaker worldwide.

“In fact, I’d like to witness my changes taking effect as I speak. Can you turn the TV to the news, so I can see it in action, this massive overhaul of national boundaries?” I asked the Fae, who grinned, turned the TV, but then whispered to me.

“The TV turning was a bonus, though you didn’t intend to treat me as a butler, and you can settle accounts on that score by doing me a personal favor,” the Fae informed me.

“Very well. What favor?” I coughed as I drank my Irish coffee.

“One, united Ireland under a pagan King or Queen. Someone of the Druidic persuasion, who will help root out the Christian domination of Erin at last and forever! None of this Catholic and Protestant rubbish ever again!” the Fae asserted eagerly.

“Works for me! I know just the person, too, at least for the first ruler. My first cousin, Siobhan O’Malley. She’s very much a Pagan, of the Druidic sort, and very committed to a much greener way of life. Plus, I really want to bang her and sire the next Pagan King or Queen of Ireland on her myself. I can see it now. My cousin’s royal belly swelling with our love child, heir or heiress to the Emerald Isle for the first time in seven centuries. Being Pagan by faith and American by birth, she won’t be divisive or sectarian or partial to either North or South, Catholic or Protestant, Belfast or Dublin. I’ve always wanted to breed her and now I can. Nothing to stop me at all,” I spoke those words as I physically redrew every map on Earth to show a unified Kingdom of Ireland or Eire at last.

“And now, this just in. Ireland is suddenly reunited as a single, sovereign nation called the Kingdom of Eire, Ireland in English, with Siobhan O’Malley as its first ever Queen. Yes, you heard that right. Ireland is now one, North and South, with the entire island ruled by a twenty year old Irish-American ecology scholar at Trinity College in Dublin. A delegation from the former Irish and Northern Irish governments has been dispatched to formally proclaim her Queen Siobhan I of Eire, swear fealty to Her Celtic Majesty, and brief her on her new powers, which appear to be absolute and unlimited at present,” the newscaster expressed her obvious shock, though what came next had to be unnerving in the extreme.

“Well, that’s an excellent start, isn’t it? Here, let me redraw this part, too,” I drew with my mind on all current political maps around the world, making a very noticeable change.

“Um, this is truly bizarre! The maps of Bolivia, Brazil, Colombia, Ecuador, Guyana, Peru, Suriname and Venezuela have now been redrawn to exclude the entire Amazon rainforest, which has been designated on all maps that I can see as the First Nations’ Separate Amazon Rainforest Territory. No longer will any foreign firm, organization, or country be permitted to operate any kind of industrial, economic, political, or religious activity without the express permission of something called the All-Tribal Territorial Congress. Something tells me that this is unlikely to happen again anytime soon,” the newscaster coughed now, more than a little stunned by this latest development.

“Nine boons down. And then there were three,” the Fae reminded me.

“Oh, yes. Next one, also related to physical performance and such. I want, as a boon, to be able to recover my erections on command, for as long as I wish them, with my male refractory period determined solely by my wishes at the moment, but without any adverse effects, either to other parts of my body or to the genitals themselves. I think that’s sensible enough, don’t you? No sense in being able to fuck every person whom I please and not satisfying them with repeated lays. I want to be a freakish super stud, you see,” I laughed as I asked for my tenth boon now.

“Done! From now on, your wise request is granted and you shall be able to get hard whenever you please, for as long as you please, with no adverse effects at all. Smart of you to want to be able to service those women, and men, for that matter, so effectively. Why take so many lovers if you don’t wish to gratify them to the best of your ability, right? Shows that you can be both selfish and selfless at once. Very well done,” the Fae granted my proposed boon with yet another favorable remark, “I see that I chose well with you. You’ll make an excellent agent and emissary of the Fae.”

“Thank you. For number eleven, I want heightened senses and instincts, so that I can more easily sense the presence of any living creature or any other kind of threat. I want to be able to see any dangers coming a mile away or whatever. I want to be respond with such uncanny speed and foreknowledge that people will be truly astonished and terrified of me. In time, I think that would reduce the number of people trying to kill me. They’ll become increasingly awed, discouraged, and impressed until they eventually just give up, for the most part. I concede that a small number will still view it as a challenge, but, honestly, there’s little that I can do about that,” I requested, hearing another chuckle.

“Well done. You’ll be a fucking legend before too long. Yes, it’s true that some will always want to try it even more due to the greater difficulty, but yes, on balance, this will see most of your haters resign themselves to your existence. Most are sheep, anyway, and I suspect that they will soon have bigger troubles than figuring out ways to destroy you. So, what’s your final boon, then?” the Fae wondered aloud.

“This one I think that you’ll appreciate. I want to be able to control the weather anywhere and everywhere on the globe for however long you can permit me to do so. Whether that’s a month, day, year, etc. If I want rain, I’ll bring rain. Same thing with extreme heat, cold, etc. Overcast skies, etc. Godlike powers, admittedly, but all in a great cause. It will enable me to mitigate some of the ecological damage in the short run and buy the planet more time for long-term solutions, but it will also let me smite enemies and punish evildoers as necessary with plagues of inclement weather, not to mention bring relief to those suffering droughts. And cull the population in some areas, of course,” I observed.

“And frighten some folks into action on climate change, plus clean up some air pollution, particularly smog. Yes, it makes a lot of sense, and being such a powerful being as I am, I can and will grant this last boon as well. Just remember that this is the final boon and all will be revoked instantly if you betray us, with severe consequences for you in every sense of the word,” the Fae warned me yet again.

“Excellent point. Now time for me to start keeping my end of the bargain, if you will excuse me,” I used my mind to focus on my first real target.

Landing in the center of the Sea Org’s most secretive buildings in Clearwater, Florida, I immediately triggered a thunderstorm that knocked out the electrical power for the entire facility. As the lights went out and my superior senses enabled me to know where everything was intuitively, I heard screams of terror from these supposedly “enlightened” fools. I then smote every last one of them with gastritis, blindness, gallstones, hemorrhoids, infertility, impotence, arthritis, and gout. I restored the power then and laughed heartily as I watched the powerful and corrupt leaders of this cult freak out due to these plagues and my control of the weather.

“Clever. You’re shutting this sect down from the very top, cutting off the snake’s head, as it were. It’s high time that these subversive sects be stamped out before they continue to pervert human evolution. I’m glad that you found a way that doesn’t break any laws,” the Fae laughed softly.

“Well, the laws failed to account for supernatural assaults, didn’t they?” I chuckled in response.

I sat down at the computer desk in David Miscavige’s own office and used my superhuman skills to hack everything sensitive and important, taking full advantage of the inability of the now debilitated Sea Org members to actually stop me. I laughed as I saw David himself, wandering around in vain and in agony, seeking the bathroom rather than his office. I collected whatever data I wanted, from offshore accounts to the most damning and classified information about the Church of Scientology. I transferred the entire contents of their offshore accounts to my own bank account, thus adding to my personal wealth. I didn’t really need it, but it was a handy place to put it. The main point was to impoverish the cult and spread all kinds of negative information, thus helping to close their doors for good.