s4e14 - Lauren

Series 4, Episode 14: LAUREN

We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new - we’re in a semi-industrial, run down old part of town. Clearly an area that’s seen better days. Half of the factory units/shops around here are locked up with ‘TO LET’ signs stating, ‘LOW RENT’. Despite being half closed, there’s a good number of vans driving around. Plenty of trade for the shops that are open – selling goods cheap, making deals.

The van drivers, traders and customers all seem happy as our hostess, Charley, walks between them, talking direct to camera. Her big fake boobs are squeezed into a bra one size too small to produce that extra bloom of cleavage, and shown off in the low-cut V of her loose sweater. Her tattoo in plain sight. She’s gone for distressed denim jeans and high heels for this week. A casual look that still looks dirtier than anything most women ever wear. She knows all the guys are looking, and she looks very comfortable with it, almost talking to them as much as our camera as she passes by...

“Welcome to the United Kingdom of Zoo. I’m Charley Ozvik, and I’m travelling the length and breadth of the country, looking for lucky ladies who want to make their dirty doggy fantasies come true...”

The title, “THE UNITED KINGDOM OF ZOO” flashes up on screen over a graphic showing the UK, with little pins appearing, each pin representing a location we’ve either visited, or will be visiting in this series. Yet again, it’s a London pin that’s flashing.

This week we’re in Battersea, a busy central suburb of London, just south of the Thames. It’s another crowded streetscape, with impatient drivers and the occasional ignorant pedestrian stepping out into the road. We focus on a small, green fronted café.

Inside, we watch a very thin, almost skeletal woman, with thin and lifeless shoulder length peroxide blonde hair walk out of the kitchen. The most striking thing about her is the size of her chest. Whilst everything else is skinny (highlighted by the narrow legs of her skinny jeans), her chest (hidden away inside a t-shirt) is large and firm. She delivers the order to an old couple. Standard East End breakfast, sausages, eggs, bacon, tomatoes, toast, and a lovely hot pot of tea.

Her skin is bad, and when she smiles she shows off teeth that needs more than a little dental attention ... She’s not ‘ugly’, she was clearly fairly attractive once – but now everything seems to be about one degree away from pretty. Right now she just looks very, very tired.

She introduces us in voice-over, a very strong Cockney accent and slightly husky/crackly tone to her voice. “My name is Lauren Robertson. I’m 37 years old, and I’m a recovering addict from Battersea in London.”

She heads back into the kitchen to get her next order.

Cut to Lauren sitting in a little bedsit. Same t-shirt and skinny jeans. She’s on the corner of the bed, because our camera equipment takes us most of the rest of the space. She’s looking through a stack of photographs – real photographs rather than digital. Talking to us as she does. She’s got that nervous energy that’s typical of drug users.

“I ruined my life with drugs ... I used to be really pretty ... See...” She holds a picture out to camera, her – much younger – looking very pretty, which far more rounded features and a figure. Not spectacular, but much better than the skinny look she’s sporting now.

“When we was first married, my husband thought he could make some money off me. We made some pornos. Amateur stuff. Just me and him. Then we got an offer to do some stuff with other blokes – and he said I should do it. So I did. With girls too. I didn’t really like it to be honest. I only did it for the money. He even got me to make videos when I was pregnant. After I had my daughter he wanted me in shape as soon as possible so we could get more money, like. That’s when I got into the drugs - to stop me finking about it ... That’s when everything started to wrong...”

The monologue is delivered at speed, with a manic edge of a junky.

“I lost everything. My husband went when I stopped being ‘pretty’ ... He took my daughter. My family won’t talk to me because of all the videos, and because I stole from all of them ... I don’t have any friends, because all my friends are either still into drugs, or they’re dead ... I’ve got nothing...” Then she looks up at us with that bright smile. “Except my health ... I’m not dead!!” Then the smile disappears, and she holds up a picture of her, younger, rounder, holding a little girl. “That’s Anna, that’s my little girl...”

Cut to Lauren, still flicking through her pictures. Finding another to show us – her family, a big gathering, four generations. “That’s about 4 years old. I got it off my sister. I’m the only one not it in.” Then she’s talking to the camera again. “I was told by the courts that I wasn’t a good mother – I did so many pornos with so many guys, and I did so much drugs ... They said I couldn’t be trusted with my daughter, not even supervised visits. I’d gone back to drugs too often – I’d be a bad influence. My family, they treat me like I’m dead ... Except my sister, even she only sends me letters, she won’t actually come see me ... My doctor says I need to take charge of my life. Do whatever I need to stay clean and don’t worry about trying to please others.”

“And that’s why you’re with us today?” Says Charley, seizing the opportunity to get a word in.

“Yeah ... I want to do a big ‘fuck you’ to all of them. If they say I’m going to go back on heroin ... Fuck you, I won’t. I’ll be 70 and clean and they’ll all see they were wrong. If they say I have to behave like a nice girl and EARN their trust ... I’ll behave like a slut and EARN their disgust ... I want to do the most appalling, disgusting, perverted thing I can think of – and rub it in all their faces because no matter what I do they won’t let me have my girl back ... So ... Fucking a dog on national television sounds like a really good idea to me!” She says, speeding up and getting quite heated.

Charley tries to calm her with an easy question, “Do dogs turn you on?”

Lauren pauses, that happy smile returning to her face, the helter-skelter look still behind her eyes. “Nothing really turns me on anymore ... I did so much when I was on the junk. I’ve no idea what I did to be honest ... I might even have fucked a dog already for all I know. There was a time I’d have done anything to get a fix ... That’s another reason I’m here. If I have fucked a dog, I want to know about it!”

“Well, I suppose we should bring a dog in for you to fuck then...” Says Charley brightly, turning to camera, “And here’s the dog that she’s going to fuck...”

We cut to the street outside and see a familiar trio walking side-by-side toward us in the middle of the road. It’s young and scruffy Greg, hand-in-hand with his heavily pregnant girlfriend, and former guest on the show, Caitlyn ... And between them, looking up from one to the other as they walk, it’s Samson the German Pointer.

We cut to a close-up of the three of them. Greg and Caitlyn crouching either side of Sam, all three of them looking into camera.

Greg speaks first, “Hi, I’m Greg...” Then it’s his girlfriend’s turn, “And I’m Caitlyn...” Then both of them together, “And this is Samson.” Back to Caitlyn, “I’ve become very familiar with Samson’s sexual prowess, and I can tell you he’s the best lover I’ve ever had ... Nobody fucks like a German Pointer!” Greg looks a little downhearted for a moment, then cracks a smile, “Yeah, that’s fair...” He acknowledges.

We cut to the pair of them entering Lauren’s little bedsit, with Samson padding around excitedly at their feet. It’s a squeeze to fit everyone into the room along with our crew and equipment, plus Charley and Lauren.

Lauren gives them a noisy welcome, “Sorry the place is so small, it’s all I can afford...” as she gives each of them a quick hug and a cheek kiss welcome, before bending forward to ruffle Samson’s head and neck.

We catch the look on Caitlyn’s face – she’s not impressed with the room – so small, untidy, and frankly – dirty. A description that pretty much fits Lauren too!

Lauren stands beside the bed and unzips her jeans, pulling them down, then sitting back on the bed to lift her legs up and peel the drain-pipe legs over her feet. Her legs are as skinny as they looked in the jeans, her hips sticking out a little. She leaves her white g-string on, but it’s tight enough and sheer enough that we can see she has a shaven pussy that is already a little damp.

She talks, mainly to Greg, as she strips. Nervous energy. “I don’t look like much now, but you should have seen me five years ago...” She smiles. A little cutaway shot of Caitlyn shows she’s not impressed with Greg being talked to ... But Lauren continues.

She pulls her t-shirt up and over her head – revealing a skinny rather than flat belly, pronounced ribs, then a spectacularly round, but widely spaced pair of fake boobs. Two grapefruit jammed onto her chest, with a two inch gap between them. On another woman, or on her before the heroin ruined her, they might have been a match for Charley’s bolt-ons, but here they look vaguely sad and pathetic. Lauren throws her t-shirt across the room, then smiles, obviously enjoying that everyone is looking at her boobs, and not picking up that we are looking because they are strange rather than sexy. “They’re the only bit of me the drugs haven’t ruined ... I’ve got these babies for life!”

She shimmies her shoulders, bending forward a little to shake her upper body, trying to wobble those boobs for the camera, but they aren’t moving at all!

We cut to a GoPro close-up of Caitlyn, turning her head to camera and whispering, “She’s all class!” in a very bitchy tone, then giggling.

Back to Lauren as she drops to her knees on the floor infront of Samson, her hands fondling at those fake tits of hers, pinching and pulling on her nipples, letting out a wicked, almost insanely excited laugh as she leans toward him and offers her wide open mouth ... He’s jumpy and excited from the second she hits the floor, picking up the sense that she is absolutely mad for this – and he starts licking her face immediately. Her jaw, her nose, her cheeks, and of course, her mouth. Licking at her with passion and excitement. Her reacting to every lick with an “Aaaahhhhh” or an “Uuuurrrggghhhh” ... Loving it.

As the dog pushes toward her, trying to lick the back of her throat, she falls back – first onto her bony bottom, then onto her back on the floor, but keeps her mouth open, letting the beast lick at her.

In a close-up we can see that she is working her tongue against his mouth as much as he is working his against hers. She’s licking at his tongue and his jowels, and he’s licking at her whole face, sometimes hitting her mouth in the process. Eventually the dog loses interest in her face and moves off to explore other parts of her body – sniffing at her tits which she’s still squeezing and pulling on – then sniffing between her legs, which she opens like a book to give him full access to her hairy honey-pot.

“MMMnnnnn yeah ... Oh do it ... Do it!” She gasps as he begins to lick at her pussy – his long tongue hitting the mark right away, slopping between her pussy lips and flashing deep inside her, making her arch her back and buck.

Another brief GoPro shot of Caitlyn looking unimpressed as her dog licks at the ex-addict. “I hope he doesn’t catch anything!” She whispers to the camera.

As the dog moves around we can see his cock already showing under his belly, an inch or two, glistening with pre-cum ... He’s already ready to rock ... And Lauren knows it ... Looking up from the floor, playing with her tits, writhing around as he licks her hot slot, but eyes fixed on the animal’s growing prick...

“MMmmmmmm, that looks yummy!” She chuckles through a wide bad-toothed smile as she pulls Samson’s rear end around above her face. It limits his tongues access to her pussy, but doesn’t stop his licking completely, and it also allows her to get her face up close to his cock.

With her now familiar zeal she launches forward and wraps her mouth around the tip of the cock, sucks it quickly, then lets it out of her mouth so that she can look up at the camera and state that, “Mmmmnnnnn, yeah, dog cock sucker...” She sucks it again, then takes it out, “Dirty fucking dog cock sucker...” Another quick suck, then pulling her mouth away and letting his cum dribble down her chin. “I’m a dogslut now ... Yeah...” She says with a laugh, bringing her hand up to wipe that dog-cum from her chin all over her face with an audible laugh. Looking into camera, “Is this what you wanted to see? Is it?” Then it’s back in her mouth and she’s sucking like a machine.

Our audience at home will have already deduced this, but Caitlyn spells it out for us in another close-up, “She’s a fucking nut-job!”