Chapter 3

Life has a way of surprising you. It is like the Universe has a plan for you and slowly unveils it. Sometimes things go well, and the surprises only add to your bliss. Other times, like the murder of my beloved Carie, an event can come as a shock that can crush you. It is hard to reconcile the two and continue to be happy.

How is it that pure evil, malice, and hatred can co-exist with beauty, peace, and love? How is it that the same Universe, or God, who brings us new life and the wonders of art and music, can allow for rape, murder, and atrocities to occur? How are we supposed to cope with bitter and sudden loss?

I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. I’m still pursuing happiness. Maybe someday I will figure it all out and write a book.

I’ve heard it said that in life, there are only two things we can control: what we think and how we act. I’ve come to believe that. We have no control over what other people do, say, or think. We cannot change what happens in the world. The important thing is that we remain mindful of the joy and happiness that can be ours, even when things seem to be going badly.

As Candice once told me, “the Universe wants you to be happy.” I’ve felt that, at times. You can feel it when you are connected to another person making passionate love with them. You can feel it when your pleasure is intense and prolonged, and you are no longer aware of your body. You can feel it when pure, powerful, loving energy flows through you. When you feel connected with everything, and you are one with the Universe, at that moment, you know: the Universe wants you to be happy.

So, then, what stops us from feeling that all the time and being truly happy?

It’s not just one thing, I’m sure. It would be extraordinarily easy if the answer were that simplistic. However, what I’ve come to realize is that, by and large, the thing which prevents us from being happy is us. We do it to ourselves. It is our own, self-defeating, egos which prevent us from hearing that “still, small voice” inside of us. It is our idea of self which won’t let us be happy.

Our analytical conscious mind is a blessing and a curse. It enables us to achieve great feats of science and engineering, yet it gives us this illusion of ourselves that is separate, unique and flawed. We perceive things. We analyze them. We interpret them. We feel needs and wants. We become possessive and hold on to things and people as property, to feed the needs of our minds and our egos.

It is at times when our conscious intellect is either relaxed and calm or completely distracted, that our subconscious mind can be free. To our subconscious, there is no concept of “me.” It simply is. It is connected to everything and feels the pure love flowing through us. The subconscious is happy.

So, as I said, life can surprise us. It was one of those sudden surprises that helped me learn a bit more about finding happiness;but at the time, I wouldn’t have believed it.

I had been living with Candice and the other members of our little tantric circle for almost a year since the night of my first puja. I had taken to studying and practicing yoga with high intensity. I’d also learned much more about Tantra as a way of life, and about the life-force and how it works.

I had even started teaching classes in our yoga studio. Sometimes after the classes, I would sit around with a couple of our students to talk. It was an excellent way for me to express my feelings and to clarify my thoughts. I was a student, learning and applying what I had been taught, and sharing it with others. Doing so helped me gain a deeper insight and understanding.

After a few classes, the number of people sticking around to hear me talk grew to a handful of curious students. Each day, the numbers increased. Within a couple of weeks, everyone would come by and sit and listen. I invited them to join me in meditation, and soon I was helping them explore their inner selves through guided meditations.

I would meditate and begin to speak, painting a visual landscape for them, in words. I would take them on an inner journey of imagination, visualization, and exploration. I never planned any of the sessions, but instead, I was guided by where the energy took me. I wandered a world of dreams and shared this world with them. Together, we traveled the ethereal realm. After, we would all feel invigorated and alive.

I had just ended one of these sessions, and my students had gradually all gone about their day, leaving me alone in the studio. I felt her presence before I saw here. She came in on gossamer wings, floating lightly to stand beside me. In my mind, I saw the winged Goddess Isis. When I opened my eyes, Candice was before me, her golden aura glowing brightly.

She smiled and sat with me, taking my hands. I saw her cheeks were wet and her eyes were red. She had been crying. She kissed my hands and started to speak.

“Todd, I have cancer,” she whispered timidly.

I felt the weight of the world come crashing down on my shoulders. I thought for a moment that perhaps I had misheard her. I stared at her, my eyes wandering over her face, looking for some sign of deception or humor. I found neither.

“Are you sure?” I asked, reeling from the shock.

She nodded slowly. “Yes, we got a second opinion. I haven’t felt right for a long time, but I ignored it. Lately, the pain has become hard to hide, and I had no choice but to see a doctor.”