Chapter 50: Where was I?

August 28th, 2019

Hi,

I thought I’d check in as it’s been a little bit. I’m not sure what to say. I promised to keep it 100. I’m not sure what 100 is for me anymore. If I say I’m doing better I’m lying. If I say I’m getting worse I don’t know if I’m telling the truth. All I know for sure is I’m changing and I don’t like it.

I’m having these tendencies to pause in mid-stream. I know who I am and where I am. I just don’t know what to do next. I think I mentioned it in the last Oak I almost got taken to the hospital because I paused for almost ten minutes. I would answer simple questions but it took more effort than I felt it was worth to interact with the environment. It wasn’t depression. It was like somebody hit my pause button.

It’s affecting my job because I’ll start a task I’ve done thousands of time, say look up a customer and I’ll pause. Sometimes, it’s dead quiet in my brain and other times I’ll be thinking things like “What am I doing?” or “Why is my mouse over the customer search button?” Or “How do I do this?”

I had an appointment with my therapist today. They had missed some paperwork when I first started therapy so we did it today. It was two short simple questionnaires one about contact info and the other about treatment goals. The questions were broad ended questions. Like What do you think your life will be like when you finish treatment? After about the second question I started becoming furious.

I don’t mean annoyed. I mean wanting to hurt somebody angry. I told my counselor. I don’t like this. I’m becoming angry. She backed off on it and gave me a couple of minutes to get my shit together. I didn’t even know why I was angry except they were open-ended questions and I didn’t know how to frame an answer.

The stupid thing is I could have answered Purple lipstick and it would have sufficed. The anger was not context-appropriate. I apologized to her once I got my bearings.

This is my life now. I have good days and friends. I can usually participate in the things I want to. How long I’ll be able to. I don’t know. I’m really would prefer this to be some type of seasonal bullshit. I’ll find out in a few weeks I guess.

It’s my intention to finish Learning Together III. I hope to write more stories after that. You’ll have to forgive me. I’m feeling pessimistic today.