The Falling Oak - Learning How to Die
Chapter 49: Me Oh Me Oh My

Copyright© 2018 by Darian Wolfe

August 14th, 2019

Hello Everyone,

Has it been two years already? No, but the day after tomorrow will be the two-year mark of the onset of my illness. Since the Night of Hell, my new life has been sub-standard. There has been some good in my life. Several of the readers of the Oak have become close personal friends. Their support has helped me more than I can express. The love and support that the readers, in general, have given me have been amazing. I thank all of you.

I don’t want to give this illness one bit of credit for anything but it’s destructiveness in my life. I have learned there are levels of pain that I never knew or even dreamed existed. I learned how a disability changes the way people perceive you. I know what it is to be pushed past the point of giving up. A place where you pray to die and mean it. I have been humbled and humiliated. It’s horrible.

While it has wreaked havoc in my life I did manage to see some good and learn a few things. It is easier for me to be around disabled people now, especially those who are autistic because we are more similar than not. Simple pleasures are very important. When your mind is cotton or a piece of taffy somebody is pulling it’s hard to focus on a goal that is a year down the road. A bowl of soup, that’s just a few minutes away. It fills your mouth with a burst of warm flavors and fills your belly making you feel good. Soup is important in my life now.

Kindness is more important to me, both giving and receiving. One because it feels good and helps others feel good. Two, I have to be careful who I piss off. The face I cuss today may be connected to the ass I have to kiss tomorrow. When your health declines so do your options.

A very important lesson I learned is you have to have a reason to wake up the next morning. It doesn’t matter how big or how small or how important or unimportant it is. It can be as simple as finishing a coloring book picture you were working on, a journal entry, helping out a local charity. If you have a reason and can get up you are much more likely to get up no matter what shape you’re in.

Overall, the second year wasn’t so bad even though it wasn’t all that. There’s no amount of money you could pay me to relive the first year. I have to admit some of the hallucinations were pretty cool. You take comfort where you can find it. What can I say?

Heading into year three, we are starting to look into why I’m still having memory and related issues that are getting worse even though My pain level is mostly nonexistent and my drug cocktail shouldn’t be interfering.

One good thing is my oldest daughter did promise me that if worst came to worst I wouldn’t be put in a ward type nursing home. She said she and her husband would either take me in or get me a decent place. That took a load off my shoulders.

It’s been a bit longer than usual between updates because I have had some illness-related issues and family drama that needed my attention. I’m also going to start working on LT III at a faster pace now as well.

Cheers,

 
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