Chapter 47: Happy 4th of July

July 4th, 2019

Hello Everyone,

I hope everyone has a safe and happy fourth. Please remember Roman Candles are not meant to be held as they are going off. A few years ago, a cousin of my wife who is in his early thirties ignored that piece of practical wisdom and it exploded on him. He was hospitalized with severe burns and bruising. The base plate slammed into his chest.

Things have been a bit different. I have developed a new for me symptom. I will think of and hear myself saying one word. Everyone else hears me saying another word. I went an entire several minute conversation at work thinking I was saying curtain when I was actually saying mirror. The customer had to point it out to me over seven times before I heard myself saying mirror. That will trip you out. Made me nervous as hell as one of my favorite go to words is fuck. Wouldn’t that go real well at work:

“Yes, I’ll be happy to include another box of fuck to your order.”

“Did you just say Fuck!”

“No Ma’am, I would never say that. I said I would be happy to include another box of fuck to your order.”

“You did it again.”

“No, I didn’t.”

That would be an interesting conversation to have with my boss. I had a meltdown at work. I work from home and we use Microsoft team for inter-office communication. My immediate supervisor completely blows the awesome scale out of the water. He’s had my back from day one. We have a new manager who I’ve never met or interacted with. He started sending me messages through my boss telling me I had to have certain FMLA paperwork in now or else.

I took that as a direct threat and a dominance tactic. A boss is there to define your work, guide you in it’s execution, grade you on the quality of your performance and if necessary correct you up to and including termination of your employment. None of that, requires him to attempt to dominate me or threaten my job from the very first instant of out first interaction.

As we said back home, I went straight up and turned left. I hate bullies and I don’t allow anyone to treat me like that. My immediate mindset became “Come here you little cocksucker. I’ve got something for your ass.” At the same time, I went into an anxiety attack. The anger fed the fear and the fear fed the anger. This asshole could fuck my whole and I don’t know him. If we had been in the same room I would have went to jail. He was threatening me. Homey, gotta go.

I took FMLA because if a customer had sounded the least bit aggressive. I would have went off on them. Was leaving immature of me? Maturity doesn’t have a whole lot to do with it. I have neurological issues and psychological issues that are created by the neurological issues. That’s why I’m sedated twenty four hours a day. The sedation gives me a chance to stop myself and get away from whatever is triggering me. Running IS the best option because I do not have the ability to contain myself once I am stressed past a certain point.

The anxiety attack cycled the rest of the day. My wife found me rocking vigorously about eight hours later. She said “It’s because of that man isn’t it?” I told her yes. She wanted to kick his ass.

I had my regular doctor visit. My cholesterol was a bit high but not too bad. My co-pay at the clinic almost doubled. My wife will be seeing the regular doctor much more than I will. She has diabetes and needs the reg doc. I need the neurologist

I’ve been working a lot on Learning Together III. It looks as though it will be larger than either I or II. I am at about 27,300 some odd words and am only half way through the screen play version. For some reason, this one is processing different like a slow bake. So That’s my update.

Cheers,