The Falling Oak - Learning How to Die
Chapter 40: You Can’t Turn Off A Disability

Copyright© 2018 by Darian Wolfe

March 16th, 2019

Hi Everyone,

I waited a little bit to update. In part, because I had a neurologist appointment and I wanted to see how that went. The appointment went swell. The docs were really excited about all of the progress I’ve made since my last visit. They were actually happy. I apologized to my main doc. I was in so much pain the last time I was there I showed my ass a bit more than I should. At one point, I was an absolute dick. The funny thing was I was trying to be nice at the time. I didn’t see until my mind cleared a week or so later how I had treated her. She was gracious about it.

They changed my med ratio which sent me to a small visit to la-la land. They decreased one med to help me start sweating and doubled another one to help me rest more. I haven’t started sweating yet, but I’m sleeping better. After I came back from la-la land that is. They also want me to start working with a speech therapist they had mentioned that before but I hadn’t followed up as 1. It doesn’t make sense to me. I know how to place my tongue and shape my lips. I can’t get my brain to send the damn signal. 2. I only have so much money to put toward co-pays and meds. 3. I only have one day a week to fit in my, my wifes and my kids, various appointments. I would like to enjoy some of my days off. I told her I’ll follow up this time and I will. She gave me my life back. I have no reason not to trust her.

She also said she thinks we can get to the point where I won’t need the shades and ear protection if we keep working on it. Yay on that! On the speech issue, she’s says at this point there’s at least two separate medical things going on. The migraine and something else and she’s not sure what the other thing is yet. Anxiety makes it worse as it feeds into the migraine. So she’s glad I’m seeing my therapist.

One thing that annoys the living piss out of me is when you have an invisible disability people think you can just switch it off when it’s inconvenient. I’m not missing an arm or leg and despite what you may think my face isn’t disfigured. I have a condition that effects how my brain works. I can’t turn it off because it makes you uncomfortable. I can’t turn it off period. So getting pissy with me doesn’t do anything but piss me off or raise my anxiety and makes it worse.

What’s really frustrating is arguing with someone and they’re talking and you’re using text to speech. Almost anyone can talk four times faster than I can type. Then the damn thing has to say it. I literally can’t get a word in edgewise. I get run over. OHHH! That torques my jaws. If you’re going to argue with a mute at least have the common decency to let them argue back.

It’s even worse when four or five hours later when I can talk if I broach the subject then I’M the one stirring shit. It makes me want to scream. If I walk out of the room then I’m an asshole who doesn’t care. So I get to play fucking speed bump. Don’t you think if someone was treating me like this and I could turn it off I would do it so I could show them how to properly tear someone a new asshole? I’m just venting a bit. It wasn’t that bad an argument. Seriously though, when arguing with somebody take their limitations into account. It’s not as fun but there’s a lot less hurt feelings that way.

 
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