Chapter 32: Happy New Year!

Dec. 31. 2018

Whew! We made it! If I never have another year like that it’ll still be too soon. I’ve been busy. I knocked out almost 30 hours of work in 3 days. I also learned that I can most definitely exceed the limits of my medication and sounding like a 5 year old and my best bobbing bird imitation is right on the other side of that limit line. So I have to be more moderate in what I do and make sure I get enough sack time. Not that I’m all that wild and crazy. I went and saw Aquaman and then went to a quiet church dinner (my oldest and her hubby are associate pastors so I have to put up with some church) and that was enough to bring out the bobbing bird and Aphasia. Yep, the rowdy days are gone.

There’s this tank of something in my brain and while it’s full I’m fine but once it runs out I’m in trouble. I wish I knew what it was so I could focus on it and make sure I stayed tanked up. I was doing really well until I did that overtime. Between it and the family holiday schedule I’m ok but needing some rest. My job situation is up in the air. I’m performing well but I may still get bit in the butt by their rules. We’ll have to see how that goes.

I plan on things being very quiet tonight as one of my life rules is I do not drive after dark on New Year’s Eve if it is at all possible to avoid it. That way I do not have to worry about drunks or checkpoints. It’s funny, after 15 years of working with cops I still avoid them like the plague if I can do so without arousing suspicion. I’ve went so far as to pull into restaurants and ordered meals just to avoid a checkpoint when I knew I was clean.

If you don’t see me you won’t think about me has been my philosophy. I haven’t had a traffic ticket in over 20 years and never been arrested even when I deserved it. So what can I say?

I’m a little proud of myself. Last night at the dinner, I intentionally set with my back to the rest of the diners when I could have set with my back to a wall. I stood there for several moments and made a conscious choice to trust. I didn’t know about half the people there. To most of you that is no big thing. I get that. To someone who has spent their life paranoid with decent reasons for their paranoia it’s a little bit of something. Will I make a habit of it? I don’t know. It’ll be a case by case basis. I did it that time though.

What are my plans for the new year? Damned if I know. I’m going to relearn to meditate. Work on being more present when I’m with people. Spend time with a shrink if I can afford it. Find out what Darian is really like. See, in August of 2017, I became a new person. My neurological structure changed. Yet, almost the entire time since then I have been in pain. It’s only the last few weeks that I’ve had any idea what it’s like as this new me not to suffer. Yes, I have limitations. But I don’t hurt very much at all now. When I do some, CBD or sleep knocks it right down or completely out. I’m learning to think again.

It’s not an OH BOY, I’M HEALED! moment. Life isn’t like that. I’ve sustained a lot of mental and emotional injuries that have to healed before the new Darian will be what? Whole? My best? Those are labels. Unfettered may be the best label. When I can be where I am when I am there instead of hiding behind the creations of my pain. Anyway, that’s the idea.

Happy New Year! I hope everybody gets some tonight!