Chapter 29: Am I Safe Now?

Dec .18th, 2018

Have you ever done full contact sparring without the pads? That’s how me and my buddies trained. We pulled our punches a bit. Head shots, Neck shots, Joint breaks, and the ever famous groin shots had to be pulled completely and stop just close enough so you both knew the defender could not have prevented them. Even with those areas protected you would wake up the next day so sore sometimes.

Or imagine that you’re a piece of paper that someone has crumpled up in a tight ball and you are beginning to relax and flow back into your original shape, but every little crinkle twinges as it smooths out. That’s me right now. I think the new med is working. I still have a few moments here and there of pain spikes. They’re mild compared to the average pain level I was experiencing every day. The hum in my mind is getting a bit quieter.

My anxiety levels have their moment. I spent about 20 minutes doing my bobbing bird impression while working and had some confusion and aphasia. I did last almost all day at work. So my ability to work is increasing. I’m starting to feel like I might have some options again or at least moving towards a place where I will in the near future.

I feel like I’m moving into monk mode. Being quieter and more reflective. I’m learning how to meditate again. I suck and will suck for awhile. I’m having to build new pathways as the old ones apparently got bulldozed. There’s something else I suck at and it terrifies me because it’s something I feel the need to become better at if I’m going to be a whole person. That’s people.

I should say person’s or it might be better saying learning to be authentic with whatever person I’m with. Even as I’m typing this “I’m saying I’m so not into this.” I’ve spent my whole life wearing one “face” or another that just being in the moment with anyone seems almost insane. I’m sure I must do it without realizing it but not often.

See, I have to heal what’s inside emotionally and I can’t do it by myself. I’ve tried. Most of my life I’ve tried. You really can’t be a society of one. Online communities are awesome and have their definite place. Yet, You also whenever possible need flesh and blood people. I need people that need what I have to offer and have what I need. They don’t even need to be the same individuals. That’s where I’m at for now.