The Falling Oak - Learning How to Die
Chapter 26: Intermission

Copyright© 2018 by Darian Wolfe

Dec. 5th, 2018

I’m still trying to wrap my mind around everything. The fact that I’m being taken off one medication while being put on another is also messing with me. I don’t feel unsettled so much as flat. It feels as though my emotions are in a very narrow range. The meds must be some pretty strong beta blockers because my sex drive is almost non existent on one level. That’s the whole problem right there. A levels thing. On one level I don’t have a sex drive or feel the migraine, but on another level my head hurts and I’m horny as hell but can’t do anything about it.

I not lethargic but I can’t seem to gather enough energy to break past the barrier. I know it sounds weird, but it’s the only way I know to explain it. I’ll be off the old med in another day or two so we’ll see if that helps. I’m treating myself to a CBD day. I want some quiet in my head for once. I have to let the new medicine establish a baseline so after today no CBD for about 2 weeks. Then I plan to never be without again.

It’s hard to start the rebooting process in my current situation. I had given up. No one could or would give me any objective information on my condition and all subjective information indicated I was going downhill with no way to slow it down. Well, the subjective information was correct to a point, My speech is deteriorating slowly, but it is my mental and emotional state that was going to hell in a hand basket due to the physical pain and all the stress from the fallout of being sick.

Now, that I know what to target I can devise strategies including counseling to heal. I am hoping I get well enough to begin writing stories again. I love writing fiction. It still makes my head hurt just poking in that direction of my brain. So that is off the table for now.

I’ve been casting around looking for things that I might find useful. I studied a lot of Psych and counseling in school and have oodles of lectures and inspirational stuff. Lol, what’s funny is I have almost nothing for recovery from illness as I never studied it. Most of mine is of the “Get off your lazy arse and do something.” Which doesn’t apply here. It took all the arse I had just to keep my nose above water. I listened to one speech for about 2 minutes yesterday before I turned it off because I realized it wasn’t going to help.

Another good thing about having an answer is that the shakes are less frequent now that I know their cause. When they start I say to myself “I am feeling anxiety now, why?” I then try to resolve the situation if I can. If I can’t, I shake or rock but not as much because I realize it’s a coping mechanism. There’s a downside too. Sometimes, I get in a loop where I become more anxious because I’m anxious. That sucks.

There we are.

 
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