Chapter 23: Failure

Nov. 23, 2018

When I was a child there was a TV show called Baa Baa Black Sheep Squadron. It was about a hard living, hard drinking, U.S.M.C. fighter squadron led by Gregory “Pappy” Boyington during WWII in the South Pacific. The Black Sheep and The Flying Tigers were heroes to my buddies and I. In one episode the black sheep frenemy a Japanese pilot they capture. The pilot said something that always stuck with me. “If I were to use a thousand words to describe being Japanese and each word had a thousand shades of meaning I still could not convey the depth of it’s meaning.” I’m paraphrasing. Give me a break it’s been over 40 years, but the 1000 word and 1000 shades of meaning part is correct and that’s the gist of the meaning.

As I’ve reflected on it over the years I’ve realized that life itself has many shades of meaning. It’s more precise to say we apply many shades of meaning to life. We use words as one of our ways to describe life so by extension even a word that has only one or two literal definitions can have thousands of shades of meaning to the discerning mind. Failure is such a word.

At first glance, it is such a simple word. It has so many subtleties and layers though when it’s experienced in life. It’s as if each one is a new and previously unheard of experience. Most of the world’s Wisdom literature advises against pursuing too much wisdom for this reason. The more layers you can discern the more pain you feel. Better to have enough to get by and have a good life. I think Bocephus had it about right “Good friends, good whiskey, and good loving”. In other words, if you’ve got people who love you, good food, a decent enough roof, and the health to enjoy it. You’ve got enough.

I had an awesome Thanksgiving and I hope you did too. I spent time with the family, played with the grandkids, and had some great food. I appreciate the folks who dropped me a note yesterday. Thank you. Now, today was a different kettle of fish and got me thinking about failure.

Somebody decided to put my head in Uncle Fester’s vice. That’s always an experience. Then as I was dealing with a client my short term memory went completely blank. I knew who I was, where I was, what I had just done. I felt mentally sharp, other than the fact that I had absolutely no clue what I was supposed to do. I mean white piece of paper blank, blank mental field, oh shit blank. I had to apologize to my client and tell them I had a condition that affects my memory and ask for their help to figure out what I was supposed to be doing for them. As I sometimes handle accounts that might be $10,000 dollars or so that’s not good. They could say you were about to credit me $700 dollars and if it made sense to me I would. Oops.

We were able to get it sorted. I took a small break then decided to use FMLA for 3 hours. I then took a nap. When I woke up I had speech Aphasia. So no going back to work. That’s when I started feeling like a failure. It sucks AND it’s also not a blame thing. It’s one of those shades of the word failure. I can’t provide for my family anymore. This body that is me or that houses me doesn’t function correctly. It’s not a moral or ethical issue. It’s a biological issue that willpower, morals and ethics have nothing to do with other than how much stress I choose to put on myself and whether I choose appropriate self care that is within the options I have available to me.

I was going to list different ways I have failed and show how each was a different shade of the word failure and had a different psychological and emotional effect on me. But I’m tired and don’t feel like putting in the effort. As you can tell by the fact I can do it I spent way too much time studying psychology and introspection in my life lol.

I should have listened to bocephus more.