The Falling Oak - Learning How to Die
Chapter 15: Some Days Are Good

Copyright© 2018 by Darian Wolfe

Oct 30th, 2018

I really enjoyed writing the last chapter. Reliving those memories was good for me. For a moment, I was young, strong and blinded by my dedication to HER. Life was far from perfect. My mother made her last suicide attempt which failed. At the time I was mad about that fact. I did get to spend that summer living with my best friend though. I had a step father for two whole weeks, that was interesting. I thought for a minute I would be able to relax, but nope. Still, Some of the best memories of my life are from then and 38 years later I still have my best friend. Putting some of it down on electronic paper left me in a good mood the entire next day which is rare for me.

Part of that is learned behavior when you just accept life sucks and prepare for the worst then you can be pleasantly surprised. Which I’ve found beats the hell out of having hope and then getting it crushed out of you time after time. The other part comes from being in chronic pain. It’s hard to be in a civil much less happy mood when you constantly hurt. It wears on you. Then there’s the anxiety that comes from the fallout of the illness. I.E. paying bills with little money. Trying to maintain relationships. Worries about the future and if you have one.

Every now and then though, things ease up a bit. You don’t hurt so much. You’re mind is a little clearer and you find a smile on your face. That’s me at the moment. My head hurts and I had to leave work early because I went totally mute. But I’m not shaking and I don’t need my cane and my wife’s not crying or yelling at me. I feel relatively happy. I had a nap and a bowl of chili with some shredded cheese in it.

Last night I was a little down and feeling envious which is an emotion I try to avoid like the plague. It’s almost as poisonous as bitterness which will kill your soul. I was envious because there’s all these people who can make choices and I can’t. Oh, I can make the choices, but I don’t have the power to back them up. Simple example: I can decide I want a Little Caesar’s pizza. Oh well, I’m missing so much work right now that’s not an option at the moment. Don’t worry, I’m not asking for your money lol. We have food. It’s just we walk an extremely thin line that’s thinner by the day.

As I was getting ready for bed. I thought about as much as my situation sucks I’m still richer than a significant portion of the people alive today and live like a king compared to them. It’s not wrong of me to want more, but let’s be real too. I eat EVERY day. I have a home and clothes. None of it’s the best. Hell, some of it’s not even close. I have more than I need so crying because I can’t afford to take the trips my wife and I were planning. I can’t put my finger on it but somethings off about it.

It’s more reasonable to get upset about the seizures, speech and cognitive issues. If I’m going to be here I need to be able to function. People are complex and we have a lot of things going on inside all at the same time. Kinda like those magic 8 balls we had as kids only one face shows at a time. Today is a happy face.

I still haven’t found a path to a good ending to this shit, but yesterday I spent time wearing my angry face as I thought about my situation. I have been married for half of my life. I have lumped boxes in warehouses, walked perimeter lines 45 minutes out of every hour for 12 hours straight in sub zero temperatures, Been covered head to toe in human shit, literally. Went undercover and did bomb searches. Weed whacked highway ditches, anything I could to put food in her mouth. She’s MY woman. I’m not losing her without a fight. Fenris Wolf is going to get his meal. I can’t stop him, but he’s going to earn it and I’m going to do my best to make sure he gets indigestion from me. Fuck that overgrown mongrel.

 
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