Chapter 13: Who Am I?

Oct 25, 2018

Who am I? I remember who I was, but I find myself wondering who am I now. Males tend to identify themselves by the roles they fill and the jobs they have. I have been Warrior, Security Officer, Soldier, Writer, Burial Vault Man, Sub Contractor, Pizza Delivery Driver, as well as committed a list of felonies I’ll not list. I’ve been a Lynx Shaman, Ceremonial Magician and Chaos Mage as well as preacher, associate pastor, and street minister. I’ve been girls go to boy when they just wanted dick, as well as their friend and lover. I’ve been husband and father, and now grandfather. I’ve been close friend to very few and acquaintance to many. I’ve been teacher and student. But who am I now?

I can list my close friends on one hand and still have fingers left over. I know my wife’s devotion to me is more out of a sense of obligation than love. I’m not an easy person to live with even in the best of health and I know it. I can show you what I had to offer as a husband before, The emotional strength and resiliency for her to lean on in the hard times. The physical endurance and willingness to work 12 hours a day 7 days a week for weeks at a time if that’s what it took to feed our family. An absolute commitment to stay sexually faithful to her for literally no other reason than she asked me to. That one was hard it took me five years to get it down pat to where it wasn’t a constant struggle, but I never so much as kissed another woman. The fact that I spent half my life living somewhere I hate for no other reason than she wanted to be near her family. I did my best to give her anything she asked for if I could.

To be honest, I sucked at chores and didn’t do many. On the other hand, if I’m working 12 hour shifts I shouldn’t have to. As long as I’m airing my laundry, in years 5 -7 the Missus and I were constantly fighting. We had lived in this god forsaken place for over three years and I hadn’t made a single acquaintance worth having. I was always working and if I wasn’t working she was screaming at me. In year five I took an apprentice to teach magick. She was 18. Smart as a whip and “OH MY GOD” hot. Obviously, I fell for her and she fell for me but not as deep. She was the third love of my life. This is when my wife got the monogamy promise from me. I never touched her for no other reason than out of respect for my wife. It was shortly after she left that I met Lynx who came and sang with me as I was mourning her loss. It was similar to the fire scene with Bear in “Way of the Warrior” except I wasn’t locked in a room for three days.

Before you get harsh with me imagine this: You move away from everything and everyone you’ve known for the last twenty years to make someone else happy. You get there and that person’s family doesn’t like you and while they are not rude about it you understand that you are being tolerated, but barely. Then you and the person you’re with start fighting. You have no friends there. This goes on for oh say 2 years then someone almost half your age and incredibly intelligent and attractive wants your attention. How desperate would you be just to see someone smile when you walk up? Answer that honestly. Then you can yell at me if you want to.

Now, what do I have to offer? I’m an emotional and mental wreck. Protector? She took my gun. I still have my swords, knives and assorted but if I’m having seizures, oh well. I mean, if I could get close enough and get my hands on them I could do it even with the shakes. I weigh almost 300 pounds now, but Karate, Muay Thai? That’s not happening. Money? I barely work 2 full days a week now because of my situation. Today, I was only able to go as far as lunch then I had seizures followed by Aphasia so had to call out. Am I really her husband anymore? That’s the question that haunts me. I’ve given half of my life to this relationship. What will I be to her if I end up in the nursing home? Someone she visits every few weeks when she finds the time. If I had Dementia I wouldn’t care. What if it’s six months from now and my mind is as sharp as it is now?