Chapter 11: EEG

Oct. 23d, 2018

Tomorrow, I have an EEG scheduled. It’s purpose is to try to discover the reason for the seizures and some of the other cognitive issues I experience. Yesterday, was emotionally a hard day for me as I discussed possible diagnosis’s and their consequences with two close friends. As you know, there has been a lot of turmoil in my life due to this illness and I’m at the point where I need some firm answers. “We don’t know” and “Let’s try this.” isn’t cutting it.

One decision I think I’ve made is if they come back with a diagnosis of Early Onset Dementia I’m pretty positive I’m going to go find my tree by the stream. I would rather kill myself in a place of my choosing while I still know my name than die surrounded by strangers sitting in a pile of my own shit. This process has been stripping me of everything. At least, it seems that way. I will not lose my dignity.

My ancestors were known as the people of the trees. I can’t be buried among my people, our burial grounds are far from where I am, but I can breath my last in a place that our hearts long to be. As I said in an earlier post, I feel safe among the trees. I used to be a registered tracker. I could take a blanket and knife and be good to go. With all the pollution I usually took my own water, other than that I lived off the land.

Ina Maka - Earth Mother as some of my teachers called her or Jord (pronounced yard like front yard) as my ancestors called her is a dark mommy. You don’t get up in her face. You obey the rules and you’re usually ok. If you break the rules you die. To die in her arms is a good thing to me. It’s much better than doing so in a building that’s not your home.

So, I spent about two hours going over it with friends. In a way, it felt really good to talk honestly about it. I’m not all excited to go do it. I would really prefer to avoid it. I’m willing to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair if it becomes necessary as long as I can have an actual life. There will be pussy involved and that’s flat. One way or the other, there will be pussy or I’m out. I don’t care if it’s hired pussy, wife pussy, girlfriend pussy, pity pussy. There’s gonna be some pussy. I know that’s really crude. Sorry. What I actually told my wife is that celibacy is not an option in any way, shape or form in my life. I will have a sex life one way or the other. What that means and how that’s implemented is up to her.

One of my friends asked me to give him my word I would discuss it with him if I actually got to the point I was ready to do it. I gave it. With the understanding that I was not promising to not do it and that I expected to discuss the pro’s and con’s I.E. a fair hearing. He agreed.

I asked my other friend if I called him the day of to say goodbye would he try any stupid shit like calling the police or would he respect my decision? I told him I knew he would try to talk me out of it, but if he realized I had made a final decision would he respect it? He said he would respect it. I trust him as he’s never lied to me. I was wiped out by the time the day was over but I had a plan put together.

A nice meal of beef stew w/ some Italian bread. A good German beer w/ about 30 of my sedatives and 15 of my blood pressure pills would do the trick. A warm blanky and a pillow under a tree overlooking a stream in the woods. My clan banner hanging from the tree. Appropriate documents in my pockets. My face painted in one of the masks I used as a Shaman. What more could I ask? Oh, I almost forgot: a pack of Camels. Go to sleep watching the stream and trying to remember things important to me.

The first time I saw HER, the lady who changed my life when I was 13 by being my friend and letting me love her without letting it go out of bounds.

When she trusted me enough to let me hold her and kiss the tears out of her eyes when she was upset. I was 15 and she was 27. She taught me not only that I could but it was worthwhile and desirable to put the welfare of others before myself.

The first time I held my first love (different person) and kissed her bare breasts under the light of the full moon.

Holding my granddaughter for the first time and realizing my life’s work was complete. I had beat fate.

Darian, you didn’t mention anything about the lives you saved or the buildings you kept from blowing up. Well, let me tell you about the Heroing business. The principal, the person who signs your check isn’t your friend. That’s blood money you’re taking and the blood is yours. You are literally selling your life when you take that money. You are saying I am willing to die and kill for your cause. That’s whether you’re a soldier, cop, security, or government contractor. The public doesn’t love you they’re just happy they’re NOT you. They admit it. You do your thing SO WE DON’T HAVE TO. As one operator put it they would prefer to keep us in cages except when they need us then put us right back in.

They don’t care if your children have a nice Christmas but by god you’re gonna work a double shift Christmas eve so we can go skiing. Now to be honest, I have had some very generous clients who took care of their security teams and treated us like human beings but it is very much the exception to the rule. I have had supervisors literally tell me to leave a 7 year old child w/ a broken arm in the ER by herself to go cover a post. I won’t tell you what I told him. The thing is while it felt good and right to do heroey things. They did make a difference. If nothing else, doing them kept me from Death Row. They were just outgrowths of what I already was. See, there’s a similarity between saving lives and killing once you’ve done either a few times it’s old hat. You know what to expect in the way of feelings, ect