Chapter 9: I Misplaced My Left Hand

I love CBD! I haven’t had to take a single extra Naproxen for pain since I started it. I still take the other sedatives and such but this is the most pain free I have been in over a year!!! At times, my mind is quiet and I can think a little. I was able to do part of a multiplication problem in my head a couple of days ago. It doesn’t sound like much and it isn’t, but it’s more than I have been able to do for a year. CBD doesn’t fix anything but it sure does make the quality of my life better.

Seizures. The CBD apparently stretches them out kinda so one becomes a mild drawn out jerking rather than a rat-a-tat-tat machine gun type. I’m having them everyday now and my fine motor skills are going to hell. As long as I stay on CBD I’m ok, but if I get out from under it. I start having trouble picking things up and now walking. It’s not all the time it just hit’s me randomly. I was at a work function and my boss had to bring me my food because I couldn’t safely carry the tray as I now walk like a drunk at times. I told him if this shaking is going to be permanent I’m starting a stand up routine. If people are going to laugh at me the bastards can pay for the privilege. I’m thinking of calling it the either the “Fuck You, I’ve Got Weed” Or “If It Involves Titties I’m In” Tour.

I freaked myself out. I misplaced my left hand. When the jerking starts it typically starts with small movements in my arms or hands. I felt some of the fingers of my left hand moving, but I wasn’t moving them so I looked at it. It wasn’t there. It wasn’t where my brain said it was. Think about it. Where is your left hand, hmm? I had to search for my hand. It was over by my right hip. I’m like: “What the hell are you doing over there?”. That was weird.

I didn’t update for several days because I was in a really dark place. My wife and I got into a major argument the day after I posted my last update that left me feeling like a broken ATM than a cherished human being. During the argument, I lost my temper and raised my voice. I didn’t threaten or gesture. I was meticulous to stay exactly where I was, but I still managed to scare my wife.

I know what I am and I know what I’ve done in my life and I accept it. Most of it I would do again. Without people like me to protect you from other people like me your lives would be much worse than they are. To hear my wife, tell me she was afraid of me hurt me more than any of the many names she called me during our fight. I told her I would leave if she wanted me to. She told me that my leaving wouldn’t solve anything. So I’ve spent the last few days licking my wounds. She and I have things about patched up. To sum it up. CBD Rocks!, I’m losing my ability to walk, drive and control of fine motor skills.