Chapter 8: I've Had A Bad Day

Oct .3, 2018

I don’t want to talk today so it probably means I should. Today has been hard for me. I’ve had some good news, a fundraiser to pay for some of my medical tests was successful.Yay! I also got to hold my grandson for the first time today. He’s a mess. I got to hold him twice and play with my grand daughter which was fun. I have to sit before I hold my grandson in case I have a seizure. Which leads me to the bad shit.

While we were at my daughter’s I felt a seizure trying to start. I didn’t want to spazz in front of her so I tried to meditate in order to get under it and diffuse it before it started. After a while, they thought I had fallen asleep and started talking in front of me. I was wide awake. My wife told her how I cried when she asked me to give up my books. My daughter told her that she’s moving too fast and she needs to give me time to get settled. I’m going “oh fuck! this is me they’re talking about.” After a while they quit talking and decided they needed to “wake me up” as my daughter had some where to go. I got to hold my grandson again while she was getting ready. My wife was playing with our grandaughter in another part of the house. I held him as tears streamed down my face. I realized how much of his life I’m going to miss.

I’ve had a trip planned for several months and it looks like it will be canceled due to the seizures. I’m not safe for driving the amount of time necessary to get there. It’s a festival that’s only held every two years. My daughter is going to see if she can take us. That’s another reason I’m upset. I’ve really looked forward to this and if I don’t go this time I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that I’ll be in a condition to go next time.

That blew my mind. A less than two year time frame. Do I know it for fact? No, I don’t and I want to be wrong. I’ve seen other people close to me go down this road and it didn’t go well for them. Get settled to what? If other people are seeing it then it’s happening isn’t it? Or are they a bunch of nefarious motherfuckers trying to make me think I’m losing my mind?

When I was told yesterday, we weren’t going to the festival and why I wasn’t happy. I understand the reasoning. I saw the festival as a reward and that was a mistake. I had learned earlier in life that tying my behaviour to external rewards created pain like I was feeling. Somehow, I had forgotten that lesson. The action itself is the reward. If what you are doing is not fulfilling then either the action or your motives for doing it are insufficient. If you cannot create the sufficiency then do something else. When you live with that perspective it is very hard to be injured by a canceled trip or a denied promotion ect.

I’m still hoping my daughter is able to work it out as I want to go. It will probably be my last time to see my mountains and celebrate my heritage.