Chapter 6: A Little Wisdom

Sept. 29th, 2018

Things have been interesting around here the last little while. I have a brand new grandson! Yay! His middle name is his other grandfather’s and mine first names. That’s awesome. I’ve never had someone named after me before. My dog gave me poison ivy so I haven’t held him yet. That will be remedied in a few days.

Through the good graces of one of our friends here a backup system has been put in place so if/when my mind slips off the rails my family will receive a copy of this as a legacy. I want them to see this, just not now there’s already too much turmoil and pain in our lives.

I want to thank all the wonderful people who have opened up and shared their hearts with me. You have encouraged me as I hope I have been able to encourage you. It’s good to know that I’m not alone in my suffering.

We’re going to be going to several areas today, some dark and some not so dark. As I said in the Night of Hell post I no longer believe much of anything religiously. I had a conversation with a friend that turned me on my ear. As I had stated in NOH I was extremely enraged at the Christian god for ignoring me. When I say enraged I mean the Hulk on a rampage would be considered slightly ticked in comparison. My friend who has walked through this entire mess with me said to me: “I know why God’s ignoring you.”

Me:”Why, other than the fact I’m an asshole?”

Friend: “You killed God. You’ve spent your entire life searching for wisdom. You’ve studied religion, magick, psychology, all of it. You killed your belief in god long before you ever got sick. When you faced that darkness you knew you were the only one there and that you couldn’t answer your own prayer.”

Me: “Wait a minute, You’re saying I’m mad at myself?”

Friend: “Yes.”

I felt the truth of his words and it was like he had run me through with a sword. I was speechless. It took me a couple of days to process what he had told me. He was in fact, correct. In my heart, I had killed God. Nobody is home or on the throne.

It’s a liberating, yet lonely thought. All my life, I have been told of a loving Father which is an image I clung to as I never had one. The Christian faith is burned deep into my soul/mind and even though I have no “faith” I still find comfort in it’s familiarity. I’m also Heathen and find comfort in the sagas of my ancestors and the images of Freyja, sweet Sunna, and Hel. The Disir I adore. What’s interesting is faith or no faith I’m observant enough to know that there’s things that go bump in the night that a .357 won’t do nothing for. They don’t depend on your frame of mind. They just are.

The upshot is I decided to quit being angry. There’s no sense in being angry at myself for being unable to do the impossible. I’m happier. My problems still suck but I don’t feel a maelstrom tearing me apart. I can focus on healing and if that’s not possible I can focus on enjoying what time I have left as me.

This last week I discovered CBD. I knew about it, but hadn’t tried it until my friend who’s a shrink talked me into it. Us former law enforcement/security types have an aversion to it. I was in a moderate Aphasia phase which means I could only speak in two to three word sentences and was having to use an electronic speech device. An app called “Help Talk” It’s free on Android. It’s really useful and also features a panic button that can send a message with a map and GPS location to a caregiver to come and get you if you need help. Within 45 seconds of taking it I was speaking normally! I was stoked! Within 20 minutes, migraine pain was gone. Now, it doesn’t cure anything but if it can just give me some relief I’ll be happy. I’m getting some next week. I was reading and it supposed to help preserve social recognition. In other words, It can help me not to forget people which is one of my concerns. I will say this. When it wears off, the pain hits like a ton of bricks. It lasted about 2 hours. Two whole hours of not being in pain!!! I tried to explain to my wife when she said I was talking about the stuff like an addict. It’s not about feeling good. It’s about not feeling pain. Lack of pain itself is pleasure. Fuck feeling good.