Prologue: The Night of Hell

Aug 16th, 2018

Today is the 1st anniversary of the day I became someone I didn’t want to be.

The Night of Hell

On August 16th, 2017 I laid down to take a nap. When I awoke my life had changed but I didn’t know it. I got up and read for a few minutes and then went to speak to my wife. I could only speak in partial sentences.

My wife called my daughter who came over and rushed me to the ER. The initial diagnosis was stroke and my blood pressure was climbing. The medical staff got my bp under control but gave me a choice. I could spend the rest of my life unable to speak correctly or I could take a shot. The problem was if the shot failed I would die, literally die, within two to three minutes of taking it. I took the shot. I was moved to an acute stroke unit at another hospital later that night.

Now, let me tell you what I experienced in that ER room on a subjective level. Allow me to preface this by saying, I am no stranger to danger or fear. My former profession exposed me to plenty of it. What happened was so traumatic that for several months afterward, I couldn’t even think about it without wanting to scream hysterically.

I was completely conscious and coherent. I was aware of my surroundings and interacting with the staff and my family. As I was doing this I was aware of my cognitive functions shutting down one by one. Like individual lights in a long hallway. My very Self turning off one piece at a time and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. One moment there would be a piece of me then the next a horrible darkness in its place. I was alone being annihilated one piece at a time.

I know there were people who loved me physically around me but in that interior place, I felt alone. I’m assuming this happened while my BP spiked. Because the darkness receded and after a bit, they transported me.

Recovery

In the stroke unit, they discovered that I did NOT have a stroke. Instead, I have been a lifelong sufferer of migraines and didn’t know it as mine don’t hurt. I had suffered a migraine with aura that had mimicked a stroke and left me with Broca’s Aphasia. Broca’s Aphasia is a disorder that affects the speech centers (written/verbal) of the brain. after a few days, I was sent home.

I was put on leave while they tried to figure if I would recover enough to be able to work. I discovered I could count objects I could touch but couldn’t do simple sums like 2 + 3 +2 +1 =?

I spoke sometimes like an adult a lot of time like a child and sometimes couldn’t speak at all. I could read. I could write a grocery list but couldn’t write fiction. I couldn’t pay attention long enough to watch tv but could watch music videos. I watched thousands of Glee Videos.

For the first two months, I almost never slept for more than a 1 1/2 hours at a time. It was one extremely long day to me. My migraine became painful the only thing that changed was the intensity. I discovered something else when my brain fried my religious sensibilities went with it. I literally had no feeling about it one way or the other. As I have spent most of my life in spiritual pursuits I found that odd but it didn’t concern me.

Chapter 1 »