Chapter 5

We sat on the sofa and I offered her coffee or a drink, but she refused while laying back and putting her hands to her head, her thumbs to her temples, and she spoke.

“I guess I actually thought you expected me, that’s how stupid all this was. I’ve fantasized being with you so much and you always seemed so perfect. When you asked, “how long have you stalked me?” it was like a pin into a balloon. I suddenly realized you were not living in the same fantasy. I spoke to different people in HR at Xerox posing as Credit Bureau or anything to find if you had moved or gotten married. One gal I spoke to a few times in one day admitted she had dated you and gave a personal reference, thought you were very nice. I don’t know how I thought this was all getting back to you ... so stupid.”

“Quit beating yourself up Joan! You were confused and living in a fantasy. We can try to work this out and be fair to each other.” I insisted.

“You don’t think I’m nuts?” She asked as I shook my head.

“I do think that before we continue and try to rebuild our relationship you need to come to grips with the whole thing, realize what actually happened, and what you WANTED to happen.”

“It was obsession! I know! My Mother went through this with a guy she worked for. I’ve been thinking you were here waiting for me and tracking me like I was keeping tabs on you!”

“Now, you DO realize that none of that is true?”

“Yes, I told you that your stalking question popped a balloon, it was like a slap in the face to wake me up. I am embarrassed to be here in front of you right now.” She said not even able to make eye contact with me.

“I was feeling guilt every time I would cheat on you, telling myself that unless I actually fucked another guy, it was OK, then that girl in HR told me she had dated you, so going back to my first was OK in my mind.” She confessed almost in tears.

“Jonesy, you NEVER cheated on me, we never had commitments.” I told her, stroking her face.

“I would go with some of the girls, meet some guys, end up in a car or on a quiet beach. They would try to get in my panties, but always settled for a blowjob.”

I waved my arms in the air, “Joan, I don’t care what you did or didn’t do. Now is now and we had no commitment. We can try to pick up where we thought we had something.”

Jonesy thought long and hard on my words and looked at me with a real cute expression.

“So, we’re looking back to where we just finished ... You had just come in my mouth, a small disgusting snot of cum, but it was you, and I wanted it. You watched me walk in and pee, told me what a great ass I had, and I left. I walked down to my car sashaying my ass for you all the way as you watched.”

“So,” I asked, “What’s next!”

“As much as I would love to rock your world, right now, maybe you should chase me a bit, earn your loving, see if we really are as hot as we think.” She said with a teasing smile.

“Whatever you think. No peer pressure here, do what your heart tells you. I’m not going away like before. There’s no rush to make things happen.” I said as I could tell she was thinking things out.

“I have a job I have to apply myself to, I have to get settled. You’re 30 years old and not running away. I’m still horny for you, still have a great ass and nice boobies if we walk away from this. I’ve diddled myself for a long time and I can do it longer if I have to. Ask me out on a date, come pick me up, bring me home, smooch on my doorstep and see if you get invited in after the first few dates.” She said while making points with her fingers.

“I can do that, as long as we leave ourselves open to others. No commitments, OK?” I replied making sure she knew the ground rules.

“No stalking, just deal in reality. I’m getting a clearer picture even as we speak. I was in another dimension. I see you, here, all settled and confident in your job and your life and I realize it can be me too, if I work at it.” She said nodding to me.

I kissed her and walked her to her car.

After she left I have to admit to going into the shower and cranking off to get over the hard-on she had caused, just thinking of the first blowjob she gave me and knowing she was hungry for me. But after some perspective I began to come to the reality she was quite flighty and had been delusionary, and probably still was as I didn’t quite buy her “sudden realization” that I was not actually taking part in her fantasies. What was going on in her head as far as “us” was still a concern.

I let 10 days go by without contacting her, sort of testing to see if she were going to hound (stalk) me. She hadn’t, so when I had occasion, on my way to Cincy for a meeting, to be driving right by the Lilly plant she was working I called her the night before and asked her to lunch. There was a long hesitation, and then she asked, “Lunch? That’s it?”

“Joan, it’s the first time I’ve had time to get together with you and rather than wait until we could go on an actual date, this is just a nice hello and chance to talk.”

“Umm, OK, but I have a lot to tell you. Would you be mad if I made lunch for us and we talked in the car, or maybe found a bench?” She asked.

I had no objection, so she told me the proper gate entrance to go to meet her and we set a time. She came out right on time with a carrier for our lunches and passed through the guard shack (where she told me they inspected what she was bringing out) and came to my car. I had noticed benches on the parkway leading to the company, so I drove to a parking area near one and we went to talk.

Upon getting out of the car she handed me the carrier and took the occasion to kiss me hello, pausing to squeeze my hand as she did. We went and sat and she took out sandwiches and chips, along with 2 cans of Coke.

She set up napkins and passed out the food and we began to eat when she set her sandwich down and looked me in the eye to say, “I’m seeing a therapist, just to be sure I’ve got my head on straight, separating fact from fantasy. I’ve talked a lot about you, about us.”

I was a little shocked and I sat back and asked, “Have you learned anything about you, me or us?”

“She doesn’t think you’re bad for me, thinks you’re not a predator, or you would have taken advantage of me the day I showed up at your door. But, she thinks I have issues about my sexual habits.”

I stopped her saying, “You probably shouldn’t talk about this.”

“No, she said to discuss it with my regular sexual partners, and I think that’s going to be you.” She said confidently.

“There you go again, assuming I feel as you do.” I said.

“You’re here with me, aren’t you? I know you’re interested, right?” She surmised.

“Well yes, but we’ve only spent a few nights together.”

“I know, but in my masturbation fantasies, I live them over and over. You were the sweetest man. You just didn’t take from me, you took care of my needs as well. Most guys don’t do that.”

“Is your therapist aware of how often you’re been with me, in reality?”

“Yes, she knows the whole story.” She claimed.

“What does she make of it?”

“Oh, I have great issues with self-esteem, my father, and rejection. It’s why I use oral sex so easily. I’m empowered when I do it and it makes me feel good.” She offered freely.

“If you and I began to date and became a couple do you think that would continue?” I asked.

“No JJ, you are the only man I want to be with.”

“What assurances would I have?” I asked her bluntly.

“I guess you would have to trust me.” She said innocently.

“Can I do that? I have to tell you, the thought of you passing out blowjobs like candy disturbs me.”

“You had no problem when I gave YOU one! If I was with you, as a committed partner I would show you I had character and could be trusted. When I think about us and the time we spent I’m different. I can spend a whole afternoon or evening in bed just thinking of you.” She said blushing.

“Does it make you so horny you have to go out and suck some guy off?” I said, in a mean tone.

“NO! Don’t talk to me like that! That’s when I’m out with my whore girlfriends, peer pressure. We target a group of guys for a good time and split off, usually. They fuck their dates, I don’t. I tease, and I please, but I don’t fuck. It’s a game I can’t explain. I have to be part of that group.” She told me honestly, but as if it were normal.

“Your morals and reasoning are convoluted.” I said exhaling, exasperated.

“You don’t think I know that?! Why the fuck do you think I’m seeing a shrink?” She said tears beginning to stream from her eyes. “I never “belonged” and with these 3 or 4 girls I am somebody. I might be a whore, but I am somebody. You talk about your “Dukes”, ... how are we any different? You can go out whoring around and they think you’re macho, being a man. If a girl does that, we’re whores, sluts, not worthy. Fuck you, I want to belong, I want guys to like me. If girls as easy as me didn’t exist you and all your friends would be home jerking off half the time you spend out, so don’t make me sound cheap. I see a shrink to equivocate WHY I thought you were waiting for me and seeking me out, ... besides the fact I was stupid to think you might actually care for me beyond a fuck and blowjob.”

I was ashamed after hearing her words because she was right.

“Jonesy, you were never just about the sex with me. While I never thought we would ever see each other again, I did want to get in a deeper relationship with you, but being so many hundreds of miles apart, it seemed impossible, even if you knew where I was, ... I had no idea what you were up to.”

“Well, here I am! You haven’t exactly beat my door down trying to get to me.”

“I’m afraid you would think it was just about the sex if I came on, ... I guess.” I said causing myself to think.

“Basing a relationship on sex isn’t always bad. Sex happens to be the one thing we understand most about each other. Neither one of us just TOOK, we shared. You didn’t cum, zip up and leave. We shared our pleasures, you made love to me, it wasn’t a slam bam. I don’t let a man fuck me, they only make love to me. That’s why there’s only been you and my first. Even if you weren’t making love to me, I was making love to you, but I know you felt something thing more than just popping off.”

“Maybe I’ve grown from the horny guy trying to prove to myself and my friends how manly I was, trying to pick up girls for sex.” I reasoned to her.

“You may have grown and matured, just as I have, yet there is still the urge we all have for intimate relations, to release, to feel the joy of orgasm. That’s why we all masturbate, but, to share it with someone that you also share feelings with, it’s special. JJ, I care for you, and you can’t deny that you care for me. I may have passed out sexual favors since the last time we were together, and I’m sure you must have too. I’m sure our reasons for doing those things were not love, or even the seeking of love. They were for physical joy. I get the feeling you can’t get past the fact I have been with lots of men, but how about me? Am I supposed to give you a pass on all the relations you’ve had?”

She was making a lot of sense and making me feel like a hypocrite for my feelings about her “running around”. I had several dozens of sexual trysts, affairs and hook ups since our night all those years ago at the Surfside 60 Hotel. The thought of that situation brought to mind what I did with Jolie, the sister of my best friend when he trusted me to be with her. I let simple temptation allow me to throw out all of the trust he left with me. How could I judge her?

I was nodding my head to myself when she began to pick up our empty cans, napkins and trash from the lunch we shared.

“I have to get back to work, we only get 45 minutes and we’re getting close.” She said. “I’m not calling you anymore. If you want to see me, go out with me, you’ll have to call me. I somehow think you have the impression you’re on a higher moral ground. I’m not sure you see the tenderness of our time that last night that has stayed with me over the years.”

I got up and saw she was avoiding making eye contact and just walking to my car.

“Jonesy, I get it! I’ve been so wrong in judging you.” I said as she continued to the car.

I got in and looked at her, she was on the verge of tears, but holding them back saying, “Don’t think it’s going to be that easy, like say you’re sorry and unzip your pants”

“No, you’ve got me wrong, I just came to a realization about myself that you brought to light.” I insisted.

“Bring me to work, I can’t play this game anymore. I’m making an effort with my therapist, I agreed to lunch in hopes we could come to some sort of jumping off point. You don’t seem to want to admit that we shared real feelings that night. Instead all I’m getting is that I’m a whore and you’re a handy dick. Fuck you.”

“Jonesy you’re not hearing...” I began to say when she cut me off.

“DRIVE, I can’t be late.” She ordered me, and I sped off looking for the right words to end our meeting with.

As I pulled into her lot she gathered her things but when I stopped I grabbed her hand, causing her to look at me with determination.

“Don’t think I’m kissing you goodbye. You may not have intentionally hurt me, but you have.”

“Joan, I’m trying to tell you that I’m no better than you morally, in fact worse if you knew the whole truth. When you mentioned tenderness on our last night together you made me think. I did have a special feeling that night and that word made me realize it. I want to pursue our relationship, I really do.” I told her, on the verge of begging.

“Maybe I can do that, but I need to think, I have another session tonight. Let me work at it and I’ll call you. No promises. I can beat myself up just fine, I don’t need you doing it too. I’m trying build my self-esteem and you only destroy it. Your words seem empty to me. I’ll call you.” She said as she got out and headed back to work.

Whatever words or reaction to her words set her off, I don’t know but I must have hit a safe-word her therapist set up with her, or something. Once that trigger went off, she knew what she had to do, in her mind. I drove back home befuddled and disappointed.

Whatever it was, I didn’t mean to hurt or insult her. I actually thought my words would center her AND make her happy. I was ready to pursue our relationship, even if it meant I had to “court” her. I wasn’t looking for a quick way to get off. I could have played into her fantasies from the moment she showed on my doorstep, but I couldn’t use her like that. I wanted her to seek help to straighten out her thinking and expectations of “us”. I guess I needed some time to reconcile if there was an “us”. In sharing words together, I realized there was a special bond from those nights beyond the sex. The sex was incredible, and I now realized what made it so special, and that was the fact there were feelings involved and we had shared something special. Now that I had come to that realization, she had taken my words wrongly and run from me. I set my mind to call her after her session that night and simply ask her out and hopefully draw some more conversation from her to show her my true feelings.

I went about my business that day and the next few, keeping busy with work, but keeping thoughts of Jonesy in the back of my mind. As the weekend approached I decided to call her for a weekend date, wondering if she would even answer my call. Thursday night I rang her phone at 5:30 figuring she would be home from work. It rang 3 times and then the call died. Did she dump my call? I redialed and was dumped again. I wanted to show her I was persistent and dialed a third time, and this time she answered.

“JJ, we shouldn’t.” She answered.

“Wait Joan, hear me out. You must have misunderstood something I said because I, in no way, disrespected, insulted or demeaned you, by anything I said. I fully expected a smile from you and assurance that we could begin a relationship. Instead you acted like I said something different than you understood. I am as smitten with you now as I was the night we parted. I hold no expectations from you but to work at our relationship. Sex need only enter into it when we have the mutual feelings to progress in that way. I do not hold any affair you’ve had before or since our nights together against you, just like you should not question me. Let’s start day one. We can go for a drink, a movie, dinner, anything to start a jumping off point. I think we owe ourselves this.”