Herod

by HAL

Copyright© 2018 by HAL

Drama Story: King Herod defends himself in the 21st Century.

Tags: Fiction   Slow  

Look, what would you do? Stop being hypocritically superior and think about it, you bunch of plebs. I was between a rock and a hard place as you say.

Have you forgotten that we were occupied by the bastard Romans? Yes, they kept me in power; but they kept me in power because I kept the peace. I mean, catch yourself on! A load of ‘experts’ turn up and say “We’ve come to meet the King of The Jews.” and I say “Welcome” and they say “Yeah, not you. He’s just been born.”

Look, Jews are a bunch of fractious, argumentative, fucking bastards! Sorry, I’ll stay calm. Yeah, so, as I told the General once, “if there are ten Jews in a room, there will be eleven opinions.” We laughed about that; but it’s true! So the last thing we needed was two kings to choose from. You can say I was preserving my position, of course I was. But I was also preserving the peace! We had plenty of bloody Jews ready to cause trouble. Look what happened later! There were the Zealots, the Maccabees, the uprisings, Masada and finally Judea gets wiped! And even in rebellion, they argued and fought amongst themselves. In the siege of Jerusalem, there were two armed groups who wouldn’t help each other! I helped postpone that. But you can take the pricks out of Judea, but that just spreads their fractious nature round the world. Anyway, like I said, what would you do?

At least I’m honest. I’ve never denied it – like your fucking Putin and the airliner that ‘fell’ out of the sky killing everybody, or called it collateral damage, or suggested that a wedding party was a planning group of terrorists, or just clammed up when a shelter was bombed, or wiped out whole areas with chemical weapons like that bastard from Syria or Iraq, or let boat loads drown in the sea and pretended that I was really upset and then let it happen again. Or bombed whole cities back to rubble and claimed it was justified as warfare, or flew planes into buildings killing thousands. Or wiped whole cities off the face of the earth with nuclear weapons and then said how awful it was.

No, I did a genuine surgical strike. Like God. God killed all the first born in Egypt, and no-one accuses Him of mass murder. Everybody says ‘oh, a miracle and how wonderful.’ I did the same, I just killed a load of kids. So, why are they more important than the mothers and children of Bhopal? Look it up. Is it better to kill discriminately or just randomly like Bloody Sunday, or Amritsar, or Mai Lai. My troops weren’t out of control thugs; they were given orders, they obeyed them; and I took, and take, responsibility. I’m not ashamed of what I did; but even if I was, I’d still take the rap. The buck stops here! I wouldn’t wring my hands and say that some lieutenant did it and I had no idea, or let a load of paras take the blame for a culture of violence. This approach has filtered into business now too. Get caught fixing – what is it? Libor? - blame the traders and claim total ignorance to what was happening in your own company. Set sail with the main doors open to save time and sink the ferry and blame some minion rather than profit targets. But, then some arsewipe prick puts the story of me ordering a surgical strike to remove a few kids for the greater good into a Bible book, and I go down in history as a monster!

So, I ask you again, what would you have done?

I was sitting on a powder keg – didn’t know it then because I didn’t know about gunpowder – and the last thing we needed was a troublemaker stirring things up. And he was a troublemaker, history supports ME on that! He attacked people in our Temple! He told people he had come to change everything. He talked to goddam prostitutes like they were human beings instead of good for one thing and one thing only! At best, he confused people, and people hate being made to think. At worst he can be blamed for the next two thousand years of murder, torture, mayhem, destruction and war. Luckily people have stopped believing his claptrap now, so he’s not so much the cause now. But other religious maniacs have provided alternative moral reasons for raping thirteen year olds in the name of the true religion. There’s always somebody, I suppose. Oh I know his followers say that it isn’t his fault, but who the hell is at fault? The buck stops with the chief cheese. And it’s him.

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