Chapter 1

I’d always hated my legs even from an early age, for as long as I can remember I just thought of them as 2 ugly things attached to me. I always had pain in them too. Dr’s carried out so many tests but could never find anything wrong with them. When I was 13 they told me it was all in my head, that’s when I started cutting. I’d sit on bed cutting my thighs with a razor most nights. As I got older, although I stayed short, I developed a beautiful body. I was blonde. I had eyes that were deep blue. I had smooth skin that tanned perfectly if I even looked at the sun. I grew nice, pert, 32c boobs. I was a slim size 8 but had nice curves and even though everyone told me I was beautiful and had beautiful legs I just couldn’t see it. As far as I was concerned everything from my butt up was beautiful but below that was hideous and ugly and caused me nothing but pain and discomfort. I started having sex at 14 and every time I was with a boy I just thought my legs were in the way. I spent all the time trying to get them out the way. Fortunately I was very flexible from years of gymnastics so I could get my feet behind my head which meant my legs were out of the way enough but they still annoyed me.

From the age of 12 I started to pretend. Every time I was alone at home I’d strap one or both my legs up and stay like that as long as possible. I had some crutches from when I’d broken my foot aged 10 so I would use those. I’d masturbate furiously with both my feet tied up to my butt. I started shaving my pussy when I was 13 as I didn’t like the look or the feel of pubic hair when I masturbated. The feeling of my smooth pussy and the bandages round my thighs rubbing against my hand made me orgasm hard but it was never quite satisfying enough. I contemplated many ways to have an ‘accident’ that would get my legs amputated, I even thought about laying with my legs on a train track. At 15 I got as far as standing by the line but as an express train went through I realised that my 5’2 size 8 body would just get dragged under the train and I certainly wasn’t suicidal. I spent a lot of time downloading amputee pictures, videos and stories from the internet and amassed a huge collection which I spent a lot of time masturbating to. I wanted to be like those beautiful legless girls. Whenever I wore a skirt I’d make sure it was short and I’d wear thigh highs that just left a little bit of thigh between them and the hem of the skirt. I’d then pretend that under them were prosthetic legs.

I got sent for sessions with a counsellor and a psychiatrist and got put on anti- depressants. The psychiatrist had diagnosed me with Body Integrity Identity Disorder and said that my hatred of my legs was the reason for my depression. I didn’t find them or the drugs helpful and wanted nothing more than my legs amputated. Any Doctor I mentioned that too baulked and told me that there was no way they would amputate perfectly healthy legs. In fact it was the last Dr I asked to amputate my legs who is the reason I ended up with a shrink and a counsellor.

One evening when I was 16 I was sat in my bedroom in a particularly low mood. It was early spring but it was cold, grey and wet out still. My parents were out and I was letting all sorts of thoughts run through my mind. I sat on my bed slicing my thighs with a compass as it was the only sharp object I could find, my parents had removed my razors. They’d even paid for me to get my legs and bikini area waxed so I didn’t need a razor. I’d told them I needed the compass for math homework, they didn’t like it but grudgingly agreed. I watched as the blood trickled down my thighs. The pain shooting through my body brought relief. I had a sudden flash and made a decision. I went into the bathroom and downed a handful of paracetamol, ibuprofen and codeine. I walked downstairs, unlocked the front door and then went into the kitchen. I found a bottle of vodka and started swigging mouthfuls from it. The knives in the kitchen were all locked away so I took my Dad’s car keys and went to the garage. There I found Dad’s tool box and took out the power reciprocating saw along with a scalpel. I went back up to my room, set some towels on the floor, stripped naked and sat on the towels leaning against my bed. I slipped my remote control bullet vibrator into my pussy and set it to high, I wanted something to distract me from the pain I was about to experience, even if only a little. I rubbed my clit and as I started to orgasm I took another mouthful of the vodka. While I recovered I put my mobile phone next to me and set the camera to record, then poured some of the vodka on my thighs to sterilise them. I tied a belt tight round the top of each of my thighs to act as tourniquets, grabbed the scalpel, took a deep breath and started to slice across my left thigh about 6 inches from my smooth hairless pussy. I could feels the muscles and tendons snapping and blood started oozing from the incision but I carried on cutting until I’d got down to bone all the way round. I could feel the vibrator deep inside me as another orgasm took hold. Although the pain was still intense and I felt dizzy I knew I had to continue. I tried to push the flesh down my now exposed femur bone but it barely moved so I took the scalpel and started cutting just beside the bone inside the flesh, I managed to slide the flesh down about an inch or so exposing more bone. I then did the same with my right thigh. I felt as though I could pass out but was desperate to finish. I poured some more vodka on my now exposed thigh flesh and downed the rest of it. I was surprised that there wasn’t as much blood as I thought, I guess I’d done the tourniquets tight enough. The pain was intense though. Through my now hazy vision I took the saw, turned it on and started cutting through my left femur bone. It was agony and hard work. I took my thong, balled it up and stuffed it into my mouth to stop my screams being heard by the neighbours. I carried on cutting feeling weaker and weaker. I eventually managed to cut through and my leg fell away. I realised I was close to becoming unconscious so I removed the thong from my mouth, picked up my phone and called 999 for an ambulance. I told them I’d injured myself and was bleeding heavily. I then placed the phone on the floor to carry on recording, stuffed my thong back in my mouth and started sawing off my right leg. I was very weak and could see I wasn’t making much of a mark on the bone. I could feel the vibrator again. I carried on cutting knowing I had a limited time before the ambulance arrived and the leg had to be off before they did. Tears were streaming down my cheeks making it almost impossible to see. Finally the leg fell away as I heard people shouting downstairs. I dropped the power saw to the floor, it’s motor still humming. I saw 2 shadows walk into my bedroom as a I passed out.

I woke up dazed and confused as to where I was. As my eyes cleared I realised I was in hospital. For a moment I panicked that I could feel my legs, ‘Shit, they reattached them.’ I thought. I reached down and realised there was nothing there and a feeling of relief came over me. I pulled the sheet down and pulled up the hospital gown revealing 2 bandaged stumps. I smiled. I finally had the body I’d always wanted. A nurse came in, ‘Hello Lauren, I’m Anne, you’re parents are on the way up Ok?’ ‘Yes, thanks.’ I whispered hoarsely. ‘Could I have some water please.’ ‘Certainly.’ Anne walked of and came back with a cup of water.

She raised the head of the bed up so I was sitting and handed me the cup. I took it in both hands and realised I was a bit shaky. I drank it down in one go and passed it back, ‘Thanks.’ I said this time sounding more normal. ‘How long have I been here?’ ‘3 days.’ Replied Anne. ‘Do you want some more water?’ ‘Yes please.’ I replied.

As Anne walked out my Mum and Dad walked in, they both came over and cuddled me tight.

‘Oh, Lauren,’ my mum sighed, ‘What have you done?’ She started to cry.

‘I’m sorry Mum, I had to though, I couldn’t live with my legs.’ I tried to explain. My Mum cried and my Dad just sat looking at me, I could see the disappointment in their eyes and knew they would never understand. ‘Look, I knew what I was doing and don’t regret it.’ ‘You will when you realise what being disabled is like,’ replied my Dad, ‘When you have to go everywhere in a wheelchair or on plastic legs and when you see people staring at you and pitying you. There’ll be no wearing short skirts, dresses or shorts, no nice shoes or heels.’ ‘But Dad, I don’t care about that stuff, and I’d show my stumps or prosthesis off in short skirts, dresses and shorts. I’d be proud of them!’ They both winced at the word ‘stump’. So I decided I wouldn’t push it and sighed. ‘How’s Will and Adam?’ ‘Your brothers are fine, both very upset but Ok, we sent them back to university but they’ll be back at the weekend, they both send they’re love.’ Mum replied.

Will and Adam are my older brothers, 21 and 18 and fiercely protective of me. I’d been the typical younger sister, always trying to do what they were doing and they constantly wound me up. I’d lost my virginity to Adam’s best mate. Adam punched him and they didn’t speak for 4 months afterwards.

Later that day a Dr came into my room, he introduced himself as Dr Hunter. He explained that the surgery had gone well and that they had been able to just close up my residual limbs. Blood loss hadn’t been too bad either as I’d used tourniquet’s but I’d still needed a blood transfusion. He said that my legs were without blood too long to reattach but that they’d used skin from them for my residual limbs so scarring would be minimal. He said I’d actually done a good job! I gave him an embarrassed smile. He said they’d kept me lightly sedated for a couple of days and that now I was awake they would start to reduce the morphine drip. He said I would be referred to the mental health team as I’d done this to myself. I nodded as I’d guessed that would happen. He then told me if I needed anything then to ask a nurse to call him. As he left he said he’d be back tomorrow. My parents and I sat in awkward silence with the television on for another hour or so before they made their excuses and left.

The next morning Anne came in, ‘Morning.’ She said brightly, ‘How are you today? Its beautifully sunny out.’ She chirped and she opened the curtains. ‘I’m going to remove the cannula from your arm and the catheter from your bladder if that’s OK?’ ‘Yes please.’ I replied. She removed the cannula first and put a plaster over the small puncture. She then lifted the sheet, pulled my gown up and removed the catheter, as she did I felt a shiver go through my body. She covered me up and said, ‘There, you can put some underwear on now. If you need any extra pain relief just let one of us know, OK?’ ‘Thanks, I will.’ I replied.

As Anne left another lady arrived, she said her name was Bex and she was a physiotherapist. She asked if she could examine my residual limbs which I readily agreed too as I was desperate to see them. As she removed the bandages from my stumps I saw how ugly, black and swollen they were. I must have shown it in my face as Bex said, ‘Don’t worry, that’s normal and will all go down. The surgeon did an amazing job and you’ll have 2 neat residual limbs in no time.’ She then examined my stumps and asked me to move them. It was painful and stiff at first but that soon eased off. She then put 2 tight socks over my stumps, ‘These are compression socks, you must keep them on as much as possible and put clean one’s on every day, it will keep the swelling down. At night take them off and for a few weeks you’ll have to apply bandages.’ She then showed me how to bandage my stumps. Bex then told me how to sit up then to transfer from my bed into a wheelchair and how to use it so I could get around. She then gave me a load of brochures for wheelchairs so I could choose my own, I was so excited I grabbed the brochures a little too eagerly then placed them on my table. She then had me wheel to the bathroom to teach me to transfer from my wheelchair to the toilet and back. I loved how light my new abbreviated body felt as I flicked my butt over, though I found it difficult to sit and had to spread my stumps as wide as they’d go to balance. Bex then got me to wheel

around the ward to give me some practice. As we headed back to my room she said, ‘Well, that was just the basics for today, we’ll start doing a lot more tomorrow, Ok?’ ‘Cool.’ I replied. I then transferred back to my bed and she explained how to sit with nothing to lean against. It was difficult and I found that like on the toilet my stumps were spread very wide. She explained a few more things and left.

Mum arrived as Bex left, ‘Morning, I thought I’d help get you washed and dressed and maybe go for a walk, oh, I mean wheel, I mean ... oh you know.’ She suddenly was very embarrassed.

‘I’d like that.’ I replied softly. Mum went into the bathroom and came out with a bowl of soapy water. I pulled my gown off and mum helped me wash as I wasn’t allowed to get my stumps wet yet. She then handed me a towel and I dried off. She handed me a pair of knickers and I had to scoot to the back of the bed and lean against the raised head end then lift my stumps and slide them on, I had to lean side to side to get them up. Mum then passed me a pair of cotton shorts so I repeated the same manoeuvres. I put my bra on and a tight t-shirt then transferred over to the wheelchair.

‘Wow, you’ve learnt some tricks quickly.’ Said Mum.

‘Thanks, that’s one of the things Bex showed me.’ I smiled at her. She then wheeled me into the bathroom and put my back to the sink. She got a jug and I tipped my head back so she could wash my hair. I then dried my hair, brushed it and put it up in a pony tail. Mum then wheeled me out the ward and the hospital down to the garden. The sun was bright and made me squint, mum reached into her bag and handed me my sunglasses. The fresh, warm air felt good on my skin and in my lungs. We sat in the garden for about half hour. I could see Mum still felt awkward and wouldn’t look at my stumps. I noticed lots of people staring at me as they passed and I loved it, I made a point of wiggling my little stumps at them. After a bit Mum wheeled me back inside and up to the ward where lunch was being served. Mum and I looked at the wheelchair brochures while I ate lunch. I chose a candy purple Quickie GT. Mum gave me a kiss and cuddle as she left and said she’d be back later with Dad.

After my parents left that night I transferred myself onto my bed, took my top and bra off and put my pyjama vest top on then I laid back and slid my shorts and knickers off over my stumps. As I did I realised just how easy they came off now with such short stumps. I then rolled the socks down off my new stumps and gave them a massage. They still looked ugly and ached so the massage felt good. After a few moments I stopped and wrapped the bandages round them. I slid my pyjama shorts on and then transferred back onto my chair to go to the bathroom. I wheeled myself over to the toilet, slid my shorts off and realised that with no legs or prosthetics I’d always have to take my shorts and knickers off completely and have to find

somewhere to put them. I placed my shorts over the back of my wheelchair for now and scooted over onto the toilet. Once I’d done I put my shorts on the cushion of the chair so I could hopefully place my bum on them and just slide them up. I then scooted back over to my chair successfully and managed to slide my shorts back on. I then wheeled myself to my room and got back into bed. Once I got comfortable in bed I put the TV on and watched until I fell asleep.

I woke in the middle of the night, it was dark and quiet, one of the nurses must have switched my telly off. I realised I felt really horny but tried to ignore it. I found moving around in bed was more difficult without legs and I couldn’t get comfortable. The horny feeling just got worse so I decided to do something about it. I checked the curtains and the door were closed and wiggled out of my shorts. I then sucked 2 of my fingers to make them wet and placed them between my stumps. I’d always imagined the first time masturbating as an amputee and it was finally happening. I gently stroked my pussy lips until they parted then started stroking my clit. My C cup boobs started to tingle so I massaged them with my other hand. I could feel a warm feeling starting to spread through my pelvis and into my new stumps. I noticed that my pubic mound was getting stubbly as I hadn’t waxed for a while which I didn’t like but I ignored it. I could feel my pussy throbbing so slid 2 fingers in. I stopped massaging my boobs and used my other and to rub my clit while I fingered myself. I was getting really hot now and could feel my face become flushed. I slid a 3rd finger in my wet pussy. The feeling of the bandages on my stumps rubbing against my hands made me feel so hot. I worked my clit and fingers in my pussy harder and harder and started to orgasm. I had to bite my lip to stop myself from screaming out. My new stumps thrashed around in ecstasy. I lay there breathless feeling flushed and satisfied. My new stumps throbbed. I slid my shorts back on and fell asleep.

Next morning Anne helped me wash and dress then Bex arrived to take me to the gym. After that I had my first session with a new counsellor. She asked me lots of awkward questions that I didn’t want to answer. I tried to assure her that now my legs were gone I was fine and had no more issues but she wouldn’t believe me. Afterwards I sat at the table in the main part of the children’s ward with the other children to eat my lunch. I spent the afternoon playing with some of the younger kids and chatting to the older ones. When I sat on the floor the younger ones couldn’t get over the fact that I was now the same height as them. A few of my girl friends arrived early evening so I wheeled down to the garden with them. It was hard telling them what I’d done and they were shocked but I explained it all and they seemed Ok with it. They promised not to tell anyone else. They walked back to the ward with me then left. Anne popped in and said my parents had been and they’d be back tomorrow. I got ready for bed and fell asleep.

2 weeks after I’d amputated my own legs the staples were removed from my stumps. They looked a lot less swollen and black now but were still quite red. I’d spent the days until then having sessions with Bex, the counsellor and the

occupational therapist or just reading, watching TV and listening to music. When that was done I was discharged with an appointment to see a prosthetist in 2 weeks time. I transferred into Dad’s BMW X5 and waved goodbye to the nurse. I felt even smaller now in the big car and found it difficult to hold myself up as Dad drove. We got home and Mum came out to meet us with my new wheelchair, it looked awesome. I transferred over and wheeled myself up the new ramp they’d got installed. All the floors downstairs were now polished wood so I could get round easily. My brothers were also there and gave me huge hugs, Adam lifted me out the chair and I was again aware of how small and light I now was. We sat in the garden and chatted while Dad barbecued. It felt normal again, all the awkwardness had gone. I was so happy. That night I got myself upstairs by putting both hands onto the next step and lifting my bum up. It was slow but I got there. My parents had wanted to move my bedroom to a room downstairs but I’d told them not too. I ran myself a bath, something I’d really been looking forward too. I stripped off then lifted myself up onto the side of the bath like I’d been shown by the occupational therapist. I then reached one hand across the bath and holding onto both sides gently lowered myself. The warm water felt good against my naked skin. I started to massage both my stumps. I could feel my pussy getting warm again. I moved a hand up and started to rub my clit before sliding 2 fingers into my gaping legless pussy. I used my other hand to carry on massaging one of my stumps, it was the first time I’d been able to give them proper attention, it started to tingle and throb as I massaged it. I pushed deep around the scar and could feel the end of my bone. I moved my fingers in and out of my throbbing pussy harder and faster. I dropped my stump as I started to orgasm and instead paid attention to my clitoris. My 2 week old stumps started to thrash around as I tried to reach out with them to find something to steady myself. I started to orgasm and splash around. I hoped my family didn’t hear me, the last thing I wanted was them to come and check on their little disabled daughter and find me like this. I carried on working my fingers inside me, I could feel my pussy contracting against them until my orgasm finished. I lay there catching my breath before washing my hair and newly shortened body. I paid extra attention to my delightful little stumps. I then got out the bath, wrapped myself in a towel and hand walked to my room where I dried off. I decided to sleep naked as I had done for years and had missed being able to do in hospital, I hated the feel of being constricted by clothes while sleeping. My parents had got me a new bed, a low wooden frame bed to make it easier to get in and out. It was also a double which made me feel very small again. I reached into my bedside table to get a hairbrush out and found the remote bullet vibrator I’d used when I’d amputated my legs. ‘Oh god.’ I whispered to myself, ‘How embarrassing, Mum and Dad must know what I did with it.’ I shuddered and put it away before brushing my hair and getting myself into my new bed.

Next morning I got up, showered and dressed in a t-shirt and cotton shorts. I was also finally able to wear thongs again as my Mum didn’t like me wearing them so wouldn’t bring any into the hospital for me. After breakfast Mum took me for my first hydrotherapy session. Bex was in the water waiting for me, I noticed she looked

hot in her bikini. I was a little nervous at first as I found my centre of gravity and my balance was all off. I went under a few times but I soon got used to constantly wiggling my stumps to keep me upright. I liked the feeling of freedom in the water. I even managed to swim a little. As I got out I looked forward to my next session. In the changing room there was a girl a little older than me who was missing her left leg and part of her pelvis. She was using crutches to get around. She was hot as well. She smiled and said ‘Hi’ as she crutched past and I suddenly felt guilty. I realised that losing her leg was probably the most traumatic thing to ever happen to her and here I was excited and happy that I’d hacked off my perfectly healthy legs. I wondered what I’d say if someone ever asked me what had happened. I got showered and dressed then wheeled myself out to meet my Mum. On the way home we stopped in town, Mum had few errands to run so I said I’d meet her in an hour and wheeled myself round town, I was really enjoying all the looks I was getting. I went straight to the beauty salon to get a bikini wax. As I laid on the bed and slipped my shorts and thong off I noticed the lady was staring at my stumps so I gave them a wiggle, she didn’t know where to look. Once I was all smooth again I made an appointment for the next month, got dressed, transferred into my chair and wheeled off to meet my Mum.

That night I went with some friends to the cinema. I was wearing a nice cream lacy top and a what would have been a short denim skirt. My stumps just peaked out the end which I really liked. Alex, one of my friends carried me up to our seats and sat next to me. I noticed he was leaning toward me and kept whispering in my ear. I’d always fancied him since we met in year 7. I couldn’t tell if he was being flirty or not so to try and find out how he felt I put my hand onto his cushion to see his reaction. It didn’t take long before he put his hand close to mine. I left it a bit then decided to touch his hand to see what he did, I could always pretend it was an accident. His hand didn’t move, he kept on leaning over and whispering too me so I wrapped my little finger around his. He looked at me and smiled, then took my hand in his. I smiled back at him then leaned against his arm. After a few minutes he let go of my hand and put his arm round me so I cuddled up to him. After the film Alex carried back to my wheelchair and offered to take me home. He walked with me to the bus stop and helped me onto the bus. We sat together in the wheelchair area and carried on chatting. He held my hand the whole journey. We got off at my stop and he walked with me to my front door. There was an awkward moment before he bent down and kissed me, I put my arms around his neck and he lifted me up and put one hand round my back and the other under my bum. As my skirt was so short I could feel his warm hand against my butt cheeks. I could feel my stumps pushing into his stomach. We kissed passionately for what felt like ages. He then put me back in my wheelchair and said good night. I gave him another quick kiss and he watched me go inside. As I shut the door he waved and I waved back. I fell asleep happy that night.

A few days later I had my first prosthetist appointment. He introduced himself as Greg and explained what was going to happen. He asked if I would slip my shorts off so he could take some measurements and casts. I happily agreed and slid them over my stumps, then rolled the compression socks off. I was suddenly aware that I had no idea whether he knew about what happened or just thought I’d been in an accident, I was also suddenly aware that I had no idea whether I wanted him to know or not. He explained what he was going to do then asked ‘What activities did you do and how tall were you?’ ‘I was 5’2, though feel free to make me taller.’ I started to reply with a smile. ‘I used to swim, run, play netball and hockey and did gymnastics.’ ‘That’s good, it means you were fit before so this will be easier for you, I’ll also try to get you as active as that again.’ He replied. ‘Mind if I measure you now Lauren?’ ‘Not at all.’ I said as I laid back on the couch. As he started measuring my pelvis, hips and stumps I could feel myself getting hot as he touched my just waxed smooth pussy through my thong. He measured me from the top of my head to the end of my stumps then took plaster moulds of them. It felt weird as my stumps went into the cold plaster. He left them about 15 minutes and slowly removed them. ‘This will help me make the suspension which is the part... ‘ ‘ ... my stumps go into.’ I finished.

‘Yes,’ he replied, ‘My, aren’t we knowledgeable.’ He said mockingly. I could feel my face go red. ‘I see you were already wearing stump socks, you change them every day?’ ‘Certainly do.’ ‘Good, and Bex told you all about good stump care?’ Greg continued. ‘She did’ ‘Right, now to check you weren’t wrong about your height.’ Said Greg. ‘I want you to sit up and put your arms out. Your arm span including your body width will give us a good guide to your height. The fact that you were short will make learning to walk on the prosthetics easier. Longer pro’s can make balancing difficult.’ ‘Oh, Ok.’ I said as I sat myself up, making sure I was balanced I put my arms out. He got a tape measure and placed the end against my fingers then measured across to the tip of the other finger. He checked the measurement then wrote it down. ‘Well, you weren’t wrong, you really were a short arse!’ He said playfully.

‘Thanks.’ I replied pretending to be offended.

‘I’m sorry. Get dressed and we’ll go through to the gym.’ He said smiling. I slid on my shorts and got myself into my wheelchair then followed Greg into the gym. We went through various exercises to strengthen my stumps. He then got me to hold a bar and stand on my stumps. It hurt a little but I managed it.

‘Well, let’s call it a day for now.’ Said Greg. ‘I’ll get on with making you some legs. I’m going to use Otto Bock parts and use their C-leg microprocessor controlled knee, they’re the best in the business. When you get home you can Google them.’ ‘OK, I will.’ I replied not letting on that I already knew everything there was to know about prostheses and I’d really wanted C-legs. I’d always imagined myself wearing a short skirt or shorts and a nice top standing proudly on 2 artificial legs with knee high boots or nice heels and I was so excited that was finally going to come true.

I returned to school still in my wheelchair a few days after that, the school had changed most of my classes around so that they were on the ground floor. There was still a couple upstairs but my friends carried me up to those. It was weird the first day, everyone was looking at me as I wheeled in wearing my school uniform but I enjoyed the stares, I liked the feeling of everyone watching me, that’s one of the reasons I wanted to become an amputee. The second week I decided to take part in the PE lesson as it was gym, just to see what I could do. I thought I looked hot in my tight t-shirt with my stumps sticking through my little gym shorts and gym skirt. As I wheeled into the gym I was pleased to find it was trampolining. My friend Elise helped me up onto the trampoline. It took a while to get going but I loved the feeling of my tiny, legless body bouncing in the air, I even managed a few flips. In the showers after I found I was getting quite turned on sitting on the floor with the other girls towering above me and being eye level with the their groins. As I hand walked back to the bench the cold tiles against by pussy and butt made me shiver. I dried and got dressed then got back in my chair before leaving with my friends to go for lunch.