Chapter 299

Say thanks to Allen B. for the following:

I asked my fiancée why brides wear white.

She explained that white was the color of happiness, and a woman’s wedding day is the happiest day of her life.

She was not amused when I then asked her why she had picked a black tuxedo for me...

Playing Mick Jagger’s music in your closet protects clothing from holes, because a Rolling Stone gathers no moths.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

These are all (allegedly) actual songs:

“How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?”

“I Still Miss Her, But My Aim’s Getting Better.”

“Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart,” by Johnny Cash.

“Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye.”

“Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.”

“I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here.”

“If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now.”

“She Got The Gold Mine, And I Got The Shaft.”

“She Got The Ring, And I Got The Finger.”

“Thank God, And Greyhound, She’s Gone.”

“I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win.”

“Get Off The Stove Granny, Because You’re Too Old To Ride The Range.”

“You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.”

The minister at the wedding concluded the ceremony by saying to the groom, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say from here on in can and will be used against you”.

A woman comes home to her house in shambles, with her husband collapsed in a chair.

She says to him. “Oh, my, have we been burgled?”

He replied, “No, the grandchildren came by”.

A- My wife crashed my Porsche.

B- Oh, no ... Is she hurt?

A- Not yet, she locked herself in the bathroom.

A woman is speaking to her doctor (also a woman) and says, “My husband wants intense sex all day. What can I give him?”

The doctor replies, “My number.”

A girl is talking to her mother and asks, “Is it true that the baby comes out of the same hole the penis goes in?”

“Yes, it’s true Honey,” replies the mother.

“But won’t my teeth break?”

A baby is never a “surprise’ or a “mistake”. You had sex without a condom, what did you expect, a plasma TV?”

There are 27 bones in the human hand.

And 28 when you’re alone at home.