Chapter 279

Say Thanks to LordDragon65 for this smile:

Some of my friends need Preparation H. The rest are perfect assholes.

Some of the first group use the generic version, they are cheap assholes.

Some of them grab the tube out of the medicine cabinet and mistake it for the toothpaste or denture cream, those are either blind assholes or dumb assholes.

And if they end up actually using it that way, they’re tasteless assholes.

My roommate, @DrakeSteele just told me that he realized he’s not only atheist, he’s sacrilegious, he only yells “Oh, My God” when performing certain rituals in the sack. (Alternatively, when someone is playing with his sac)

Many thanks to oriontwin ‎ for this submission!

Once upon a time there was a majestic mountain forest. In this forest reigned two princely trees; a grand Beech tree and a grand Birch tree. They grew a little too close to each other and ... well, they weren’t the best of friends. They got along well ... okay, let’s just be happy that they at least weren’t dropping branches on each other.

So, all was (relatively) peaceful in the forest until one summer they noticed that between them was growing a young sapling. This would never do ... they had a reputation to uphold you see.

Thus the argument started. The Beech tree insisted that the sapling was a Son of a Birch, while the Birch tree said it was a Son of a Beech. On the argument went.

During one day while the argument raged, flew a woodpecker. The princes, came upon an idea.

“Mr. Woodpecker, you are familiar with wood are you not.”

“Why yes. You could say I’m somewhat of an expert. I’ve perched upon gnarly oaks, shaded under weeping willows, and even sampled the sap of the sweet maples. What can I do for you gentlemen?”

“Would you care to settle and argument for us? Could you tell us whether this sapling is the Son of a Birch, or the Son of a Beech?”

“I would be happy to!” Said the woodpecker and off he flew.

The princes were secure with this turn of events and even ceased arguing for a while until they heard the sound of tapping.

Tap, tap, tap. Went the woodpecker. Tap, tap, tappity, tap tap. On it went for quite some time.

Finally the woodpecker returned with a smug, satisfied smile.

“Well” asked the princes, “Is the young sapling a Son of a Birch or a Son of a Beech?”

“Gentlemen, the sapling is neither the Son of a Birch nor a Son of a Beech.” the woodpecker replied. “For the sapling is a female tree ... and the finest young Ash I’ve ever had the privilege to tap!”

Mathematics: Brilliant!!

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years’ experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint ... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, than while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It is the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula, how true it is.