Chapter 209

Astute (but true) Observations

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit’s.

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The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

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I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. Everyone knows me here.

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I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Left Tackle?”

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I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

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I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.

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The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

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If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.

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Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

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Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

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No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.

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Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

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Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

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Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!

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Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

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Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

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Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.