Chapter 170

Another short one from joevsr:

Short One!

Jokes about pole vaulters, don’t go over very well!!

This group is compliments of a Friend of J & G.

Jokes

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff”. “Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked. “I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other wanker using my stuff”. She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another wanker?”

Sent my washing to the cleaners the other day with a note enclosed ‘use more soap powder on pants’. When the laundry came back there was another note attached ‘use more paper on arse’.

I asked my Kiwi mate how many sexual partners he’d had, he started counting and then drifted off to sleep.

A bloke’s son fell asleep at a party, so for a laugh they decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face? His wife went fucking mental when she looked in his cot!

A man goes into the local corner deli. When the clerk, a very buxom young girl, asks if she can get him anything, he leans over and whispers “Is it true that you give hand jobs in the back room?” “Why yes, sir” the shop assistant coos. “I’ve already had 5 satisfied customers this morning, and it’s only 11:30am”. “Good good” the man replies. “Well, go and wash yer hands then - I only want a ham sandwich”.

Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said “My wife is so dumb, yesterday she dragged home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain’t even got electricity!” The second hillbilly said “My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain’t even got runnin’ water!” The third hillbilly said “My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin’ there ... and she ain’t even got a dick!”

At a wedding party recently someone yelled “All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living”. The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

I heard a story about a guy who got a call from his doctor the day after a visit. From what I gathered, the doctor says “I hate to tell you this, but I have bad news and worse news”. Dude asks what the bad news is, doctor goes “you have 24 hours to live”. Dude asks in a terrified voice what the worse news is, doctor says “the phones weren’t working so I couldn’t call you yesterday”.

A man rushes into drugstore and asks the pharmacist for something guaranteed to stop hiccups. The pharmacist slowly poured a glass of water and when it was full he picked it up, suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs, and threw the water into the man’s face. “Why did you do that?” the man yelled angrily. “Well you don’t have hiccups now do you?” replied the pharmacist. “NO!” shouted the man. “But my wife in the car still does!”