Chapter 116

These are compliments of fmwarmac‎

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded.

“I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”

“No, from skipping.”

A cosmetic surgeon was sitting in his consulting room chatting to a friend when a beautiful woman walked in, kissed the surgeon and said: “Thank you so much for everything you have done for me. I felt ugly before, but now you have turned me into a princess.”

When the gorgeous lady left the room, the friend asked: “Wow, who was that? You’ve certainly done a good job on her.”

The surgeon replied: “Oh, that was my mother.” And they continued their conversation.

A few minutes later, another beautiful lady walked into the room. Even more stunning than the first, she, too, kissed the surgeon and said: “Thank you so much. You have made me look twenty years younger. The facelift and liposuction have done wonders for me.”

As she left, the friend exclaimed: “Wow, she looks like a supermodel! Who was she?”

“Oh,” replied the surgeon nonchalantly, “that was my wife.” And they carried on with their conversation.

A few minutes later, a third beautiful woman walked in, this one even more gorgeous than the other two. She had a perfect body with breasts to die for. She walked over to the surgeon, slapped him hard around the face and yelled: “You b.stard! Look what you have done to my body! You’ve ruined my life!”

As the woman stormed out, the friend looked at the surgeon in bewilderment.

The surgeon shook his head sadly and said: “Let’s not talk about it. That was my father.

A few days before his son was due to leave for his first semester at university, a father sat him down for a quiet chat.

“Son,” he said, “in college you’re going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist.”

“Dad, you didn’t need to. I’ve already got condoms.”

“With a face like yours, you won’t be needing condoms, son. I bought you some anti-depressants.”

An elderly snake went to the doctor and told him: “Doc, my eyesight is so bad, I can’t see to hunt any more. I think I need a pair of glasses.”

So the doctor fixed the snake up with a pair of glasses and told him to come back if he still couldn’t manage.

Two weeks later, the snake was back in the doctor’s office. “I’m depressed,” he complained.

“Why, what’s the problem?” asked the doctor. “Haven’t the glasses helped?”

“The glasses are fine,” sighed the snake. “But I’ve discovered that I’ve been living with a garden hose for the past three years.”