Jokes and Giggles Part Two
Chapter 112

Copyright© 2017 by Jack Spratt

Thanks John

JOKE OR ANTI-JOKE?

  • A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

  • What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

  • There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

  • I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

  • The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

  • What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaah!

  • The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

  • You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

  • If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

  • So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

  • A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

  • Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

  • Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

  • How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.

  • Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

  • What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

  • Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.

  • Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

  • Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well-known six offender.

  • What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

  • My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

  • What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.

  • Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.

  • How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.

  • What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

  • Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”

  • Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

  • Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

  • Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

  • What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.

  • Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

  • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

  • I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

  • How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

  • PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

  • Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.

  • Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.

  • Learn sign language, it’s very handy.

  • I started a band called 999 Megabytes - we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

  • You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.

  • What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

  • Dry erase boards are remarkable.

  • Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

  • How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

  • What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

  • How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne? The blind try to read your face.

 
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