Chapter 107

Political Quotes:

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” Groucho Marx

“Politics is made up of two words... ‘poli’ which is Greek for ‘many’ and ‘tics’ which are blood sucking insects.” Gore Vidal

“Politics is War without bloodshed, while War is Politics with bloodshed.” Mao Zedong

“Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there is no river.” Nikita Khrushchev

“Too bad 90 percent of politicians give the other 10 percent a bad reputation.” Henry Kissinger

“The best argument against Democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.” Winston Churchill

PUNS FOR THOSE WITH A HIGHER IQ

* A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
* Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
* Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
* When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
* A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
* What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
* She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
* If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
* You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
* Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
* Every calendar’s days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
* A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
* Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
* Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Another candidate joke, from Reltney Mcfee

My father, a concert to Catholicism, told me a story of another fellow, taking classes to convert. This fellow, I was told, told the priest “Father, I get ‘The Trinity’. What I do not understand, is the ‘Divine Revelation’ business.”

The priest leaned back in his chair, regarded the prospective convert, and told him “My son, try an exercise. On Sunday, after mass, to out into the garden behind the church. Cast your gaze heavenward, spread out your arms, and await your divine revelation.”

Next week, the guy arrives for his meeting with the priest. “How did it go, my son?” Asked the priest.

“Well, Father, I walked into the middle of the garden, spread my arms, and gazed heavenward. As you may recall, it was raining it’s ass off, so water ran down my neck, I got soaked, rain puddled in my shoes, and I felt like a fool!”

Again the priest leaned back in his chair, regarded his student, and replied, “I’m impressed. That’s a hell of a revelation, for your first time out!”