Chapter 72

During a physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level.

The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

“Well, yesterday afternoon was typical - I took a five-hour walk about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through two miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. Ran away from an irate mother bear, and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.”

Amazed by the story, the doctor said “You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!”

“No” the woman replied “I’m just a really, really shitty golfer.”

A young girl started work in the chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to people. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

“Look” he said. “My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they’ll ask for a 110, which is a small, a 120, which is a medium, or a 130 which is a large. The word condom won’t even be used EVER!”

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said “150.”

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

“Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs” her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. “Yes!” she said “He’s got a big one hanging there!”

The boss said “Go back in and give him $150 ... he’s the window cleaner!”

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window.

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor? “Yes, checking for abnormalities” she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks “Do you know what I am doing now?” she replies “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her “Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes” she replies “getting herpes - that’s why I’m here!”

An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the application form. He came to this question: “Do you favour the overthrow of the United States’ government by force, subversion, or violence?”

Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, he circled “Violence.”

Being vegan is a huge missed steak.

A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI’s report about what he found:

“Most honourable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee.”

One day in a third grade classroom a teacher asked her students what their fathers did for a living.

The first boy raises his hand, and says my dad is a fireman. The teacher replies “Hey, that’s a great profession, he gets to fight fires and he has to be very brave.”

So the teacher calls on a second student. A young girl is chosen, and she tells the class that her father is a policeman. The teacher replied “Oh that’s a great job, he has to be very brave, and he gets to put all the criminals behind bars.”

So a third student raises his hand and is chosen by the teacher. She asks him what his father does for a living and he says that his father eats light bulbs.

The teacher, now confused, says “That’s crazy, what makes you think that he eats light bulbs?”

The student replies “Well last night I got up out of bed to get a drink of water, and when I walked by my parents room I overheard my father say ‘Hey baby, turn out the light and I’ll eat it’.”

A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery.