Chapter 20: What is Easy and What is Desired

Chapter Cast:
Darren, Male, 54

- Narrator, retired, father of Gwen and Victoria (Vic)

- 5’11, beige skin, 195lbs, cropped greying brown hair
Audrey, Female, 16

- High school senior, daughter of Duncan and Theresa

- 5’9, pale skin, 140lbs, light-green eyes, straight auburn hair over her shoulders
Gwen, Female, 16

- High school sophomore, daughter of Darren, sister of Victoria

- 5’6, beige skin, 135lbs, shoulder-length wavy black hair
Victoria (Vic), Female, 14

- High school freshman, daughter of Darren, sister of Gwen

- 5’4, beige skin, 120lbs, wavy neck-length light-brown hair
Rainey, Female, 47

- Night nurse

- 5’8, 155lbs, beige skin, blue eyes, shoulder-length auburn hair
Joyce, Female, early-80s

- Wife of Herman, grandmother of Audrey, mother of Theresa

- 5’6, beige skin, 115lbs, bobbed salt-and-pepper hair
Herman, Male, early-80s

- Husband of Joyce, grandfather of Audrey, father of Theresa

- 6’0, beige-olive skin, 180lbs, thin short gray hair

I walked behind Rainey as we went in to see Joyce. For the moment, I swallowed all the depressing parts of what I must soon say to my girlfriend and put on a mask for everyone’s benefit.

“Oh, Rainey,” Joyce said, a cannula in her nose which attached to the oxygen port behind the bed, “so nice to see you. And Darren!”

I moved closer so that Joyce could give me her typical hug, this one weaker than usual, though the woman ensured I knew how much she enjoyed seeing me with her long embrace.

“How are you feeling, Joyce?” Rainey asked from the other side of the bed.

“Oh, like spoiled pickles, I suppose,” the woman replied, “but I’ll be fine. Just a little thing today, they tell me.”

“Can we do anything for you?” Rainey asked. I didn’t miss that we included me.

“Not a thing, my dear. Herman’s going to stay with me tonight. Perhaps he might like a meal brought up, if you would be so kind.”

“I’ll be glad to get you something,” I said, “any preferences?”

Herman shrugged from his seat nearby, “Oh, just a plain ole hamburger and fries, I guess. Whatever Joyce might like.”

“They’ll bring mine around in an hour or two, I hear,” said Joyce.

“You still like George’s burgers?” I asked Herman, the greasy grill’s food being something we had consumed together a few times over the years.

“Sure,” Herman replied, “always did like George and his wife. You remember what I get?”

“Tomato, pickle, mayo?”

“That’s the ticket,” he said.

“I’ll go fetch it now.”

Rainey said, “I’ll come with you.”

“Uh, no,” I protested lightly, “no need to rush off so quickly. I’ll go. Besides, don’t you have to get to work soon?”

“Oh, right,” the disappointment in her voice was there even if carefully covered, “I’ll just chat with Joyce a bit before leaving, then ... So I’ll see you this weekend, Darren?”

My lips grew taught and I could feel Herman’s eyes on me when I said, “Maybe ... I’ve, uh ... I’ve got some things to take care of, might be busy...”

“Oh ... Well ... I love you.”

I smiled a tight smile and nodded, then ducked out of the room before I burst out with some version of the truth.

Rainey was gone by the time I brought Herman his dinner, and I made an excuse to leave soon thereafter, wishing Joyce well and letting them know I’d keep an eye on Audrey. I was certain Herman had already told Joyce about us when she said, “She’s strong in many ways, Darren, but you being there for her ... it helps her be strong at heart, too...”

It was after four when I got home and I sat on the couch a few minutes, trying to form a plan regarding Rainey. Nothing much came together, so I went next door and knocked. Audrey met me in the same pajamas and ushered me inside.

After I sat down, I could tell she had been crying. “You okay?”

Audrey nodded. “I broke up with Travis ... he’s ... he’s being way too nice about it.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I sent him a text saying we needed to talk and he called me immediately. I just said ... I just said I needed some space and that I couldn’t see the world the way he did, that ... him shaming me after ... after we’re together ... was too much.”

“And?”

“And,” Audrey continued, “he said he understood and didn’t hate me and wished we could work it out. He said he loved me, Darren ... I think he means it...”

I sat quietly, trying, unsuccessfully, to come up with a reply.

“Anyway ... it’s done,” she said. “How, uh ... how did things go with Rainey?”

I shrugged. “It wasn’t the time to talk to her...”

She just nodded and sat silently, staring out the window.

“I will, Audrey. I promise.”

“I know...”

“I don’t want to start this again without setting that right first ... I don’t know what to tell her...”

“Tell her the truth. Isn’t that what you insisted I do all those months ago? Tell the truth?”

“It’s not that easy,” I replied, “I can’t tell her about you ... about Tokyo ... That seems cruel to me, unnecessarily so ... she deserves better than knowing I cheated on her ... and ... you’re sixteen...”

“Yeah ... that ... I wish I was older and that wasn’t a big deal...”

“I know,” I said, “but that’s the way it is ... I can’t just tell her there’s someone else and that you have my heart ... that you’ve had it the whole time...”

“I know what that feels like...”

I took Audrey’s hand and held it a moment. “Let’s ... let’s do this right, okay? Let me figure things out with Rainey. I don’t want to hurt her, but...”

“But you’re going to hurt her when you tell her its over.”

“Yes.”

“I feel bad for all this, Darren ... I feel bad for her...”

“I do too ... I hate that it happened like this. She’s a nice person. But ... but she’s not you...”

Audrey looked at me evenly then slowly smiled, “Thank you...”

“For what?”

“For thinking of me so highly ... I need that right now...”

“You’re the best, Audrey ... I can’t feel any other way...”

“So,” she said, exhaling, “what now?”

“Well,” I said gently, “for right now ... we’re ... taking it slow until I can end things with Rainey ... Let’s not poison our relationship with the remains of my old one ... I promise I’ll figure it out very soon. This week. Tomorrow, maybe ... But ... for today...”

“For today we’re just friends...”

“I think that’s best...”

Audrey nodded, squeezing my hand, “I can’t wait until what’s best is you and me being together ... forever.”

“Me, too,” I assured her. “Me, too.”

My daughters were home around seven-thirty and after a quick greeting and checking up on Joyce’s condition, Gwen and Vic disappeared into bedrooms before one or the other went to bathe. I’d spent a couple of hours with Audrey, sitting together but sharing nothing further while we talked about baseball and college and all the things her future held. It was amazing how quickly we settled back into what it might mean for her and me to be together, how, despite the many challenges we would face, we would be together to face the world. We talked about her age and the ways we’d need to carefully work around that issue, how she would certainly have to do things school-related without me since we couldn’t risk anyone finding out about us until she was seventeen.

It wasn’t an easy conversation on the surface, but talking with Audrey, our future together being planned, was easy. We just clicked as a team, as partners. It was like falling back in with an old friend you’d missed dearly for years and then suddenly you found yourselves together as if no time had passed between meetings. As much as I’d enjoyed my time and conversations with Rainey, I’d never felt so at ease with anyone but Audrey. Our age difference was not an issue when we talked about our dreams and fears and did so with an understanding that we were once again facing the world together.

Together, sort of, at least. There was still Rainey to deal with. And I needed to talk to my daughters, as well. I expected that latter conversation might go a lot better than the very first time the subject of my relationship with Audrey had been discussed.

The girls bounded into the living room and stood staring at me. “What’s for dinner?”

I smiled evenly, “I thought two capable teens might be able to figure that out for themselves tonight ... I’ve been a little busy.”

“Hmph,” Vic pouted though she couldn’t hide her grin, “nothing to eat in this house.”

“You know how to change that.”

“Yeah, but if I suggest it, I have to pay for it.”

“Exactly.”

The girls huddled and exchanged whispered words I couldn’t make out, then Gwen said, “We want to order a pizza.”

“Good idea.”

“Even on a school night?” Vic asked. Usually, our ordering out was limited to Fridays and Saturdays, sometimes Sundays as well. I preferred to teach my daughters some restraint in such things, hoping they would value the opportunities for take out more if they were less available. But that night, I didn’t feel like arguing, and honestly, a hot pizza someone else made sounded pretty good to me.

“Yeah, just this once,” I replied. “Tell you what. I’ll pay tonight, but I want you to order an extra one and invite Audrey over if she’d like. She could use some company ... and ... when you’ve ordered, both of you come in here. I want to talk to you...”

“Oookay,” Gwen replied as the two left the living room.

Five minutes later, Vic returned and said, “Pizza’s ordered. I texted Audrey but she didn’t respond yet.”

“Thanks ... Where’s Gwen?”

“On the phone with her boooy-friend.”

“Ah.”

“What’s up?” Vic asked as she plopped onto the couch.

“I want to wait for your sister.”

“Alright,” my youngest daughter replied. “Is this about Joyce?”

“No.”

“Rainey?”

“Wait for your sister.”

It took another few minutes before Gwen joined us. I muted the television. “So ... I want you both to know that ... Audrey and I are wishing to see each other again.”

I saw Vic’s eyes widen but she didn’t say anything.

Gwen asked, “So what about Rainey?”

“I’m working on that...”

“You haven’t broken up with her yet?”

“No ... I ... This is hard to do...”

“Ah,” Gwen replied. “I feel bad for her...”

“Me too...”

“So when are you going to tell her?” Vic asked.

“Soon. This week. I ... I just wanted to know it was okay with you two before ... before moving forward with all this...”

Vic replied, “I like Rainey, but ... I think you love Audrey most...”

“I do...”

“Okay, then ... So be with Audrey, I think...”

“Gwen? Thoughts?”

My eldest daughter stared at her sister a moment, then looked at me. “I just want you to be happy, Dad ... If that means you and Audrey ... then so be it...”

“I need to know if this is okay, Gwen ... I can’t risk hurting you again...”

“I’m fine with it. Really. I’ve ... I’ve come around, I guess...”

“Okay,” I said, feeling a measure of relief, “okay...” Looking each girl in the eye, I added, “I want to be sure, alright? I ... I love Audrey ... and ... breaking up with Rainey won’t be easy, either ... I need to know you both have my back on this...”

“You do,” Gwen said, sitting on the arm of the couch next to me. “I promise.”

“Me, too,” her sister replied, leaning against me and wrapping an arm around my chest.

I hugged Victoria and smiled at Gwen. “Thank you both ... Now ... I just have to figure out how to break up with Rainey...”

A knock at the door sent Gwen jumping to answer it. I heard her say, “Oh, hi, Audrey.”

“Hey Gwen...”

“Come on in!”

I stood and turned to see Audrey come in. She’d changed out of her pajamas and now wore a pair of sweatpants and a green t-shirt. She smiled weakly at me. “Hey, Darren...”

“Hi,” I replied, “I, uh ... I told them already...”

“Oh ... good ... Good.”

“Pizza should be here before too long.”

Audrey stepped into the living room and looked a bit uncertain where to sit. Vic made the decision easier by sliding onto the end of the couch and saying, “Here, have a seat.”