Chapter 19: Inevitable

Chapter Cast:
Darren, Male, 54

- Narrator, retired, father of Gwen and Victoria (Vic)

- 5’11, beige skin, 195lbs, cropped greying brown hair
Audrey, Female, 16

- High school senior, daughter of Duncan and Theresa

- 5’9, pale skin, 140lbs, light-green eyes, straight auburn hair over her shoulders
Gwen, Female, 16

- High school sophomore, daughter of Darren, sister of Victoria

- 5’6, beige skin, 135lbs, shoulder-length wavy black hair
Victoria (Vic), Female, 14

- High school freshman, daughter of Darren, sister of Gwen

- 5’4, beige skin, 120lbs, wavy neck-length light-brown hair
Rainey, Female, 47

- Night nurse

- 5’8, 155lbs, beige skin, blue eyes, shoulder-length auburn hair
Joyce, Female, early-80s

- Wife of Herman, grandmother of Audrey, mother of Theresa

- 5’6, beige skin, 115lbs, bobbed salt-and-pepper hair
Herman, Male, early-80s

- Husband of Joyce, grandfather of Audrey, father of Theresa

- 6’0, beige-olive skin, 180lbs, thin short gray hair

divuncan and Theresa

- 5’9, pale skin, 140lbs, light-green eyes, straight auburn hair over her shoulders
Gwen, Female, 16

- High school sophomore, daughter of Darren, sister of Victoria

- 5’6, beige skin, 135lbs, shoulder-length wavy black hair
Victoria (Vic), Female, 14

- High school freshman, daughter of Darren, sister of Gwen

- 5’4, beige skin, 120lbs, wavy neck-length light-brown hair
Rainey, Female, 47

- Night nurse

- 5’8, 155lbs, beige skin, blue eyes, shoulder-length auburn hair
Joyce, Female, early-80s

- Wife of Herman, grandmother of Audrey, mother of Theresa

- 5’6, beige skin, 115lbs, bobbed salt-and-pepper hair
Herman, Male, early-80s

- Husband of Joyce, grandfather of Audrey, father of Theresa

- 6’0, beige-olive skin, 180lbs, thin short gray hair

The following day was one of the hardest of my life. I was a liar. A betrayer. A cheater. I wore a mask of normality which didn’t at all match how I felt inside. I kissed Rainey because the mask demanded it. I calmly waited for my grouchy daughters to get themselves together for the cab ride because bigger concerns weighed on my emotions. I ate breakfast only because to do otherwise might be a red flag that something was wrong. Hollow, bruising guilt gnawed at me in ways that I could never have imagined. And, I had to spend most of an entire day in airports and planes, confined, trapped, unable to tell Rainey the truth. Unable to consider talking to Audrey about what we’d done.

Thankfully, I didn’t see Audrey that morning until we were ready to board the plane. A quick glance was shared between us. Her mask was less convincing than mine, I thought, though I may well have been overconfident in my ability to hide my inner turmoil. I saw concern and doubt on Audrey’s face in those bare seconds, enough that it ate away at me and added to my guilt. There was something else there, though, and I only later realized it was something that, perhaps, I was also feeling: hope. It was a passing glance, no more than a brief moment of understanding, but I was fortunate that it didn’t last longer and that I didn’t need to face her again on the trip.

We deplaned in Houston, weary and sore from our travel. Rainey and my daughters were exhausted, which left my condition even less obvious than it would have been otherwise. I thought, maybe, once we were in our home city that I might be able to simply divorce that distant, Tokyo reality from the rest of my life and ignore what had happened with Audrey. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I was sick to my stomach for several days. Not violently ill, just sick from fear and guilt. Rainey and I talked on the phone a couple of times, but I made excuses to end the call quickly and otherwise avoided her. She was back to work anyway, so there was no immediate pressure to face her. My girls went back to school soon after we were home, and that largely left me, alone during the day, to drown myself in scotch and misery.

I thought often that I should talk to Audrey, that I should call her, or maybe just go over and see her in person, but that idea also made me nauseous. Not just because of the impact of our affair on Rainey, but also because, deep down, I didn’t actually regret that night in Tokyo.

I should have. I know. I did feel guilty, ashamed, angry at myself for cheating on Rainey. But the reality was I didn’t regret fucking Audrey again. If I had a chance to make a different choice, if I could go back and take that moment under review, I would have rushed into Audrey’s arms, kissed her, and fucked her as hard and as urgently as I did that night. If I saw Audrey in Houston, after what we’d done in Tokyo, I knew the temptation to hold her in my arms again would be too powerful to resist.

So what was I to do? I played possum, at first. I ducked out of doing anything with Rainey on the weekend after we returned, lying to her and saying I had a college friend visiting.

But that got old quick. I could only ignore a couple of calls from Rainey before I felt like I had to answer if only to maintain the appearance of normality. Her eagerness to see me rose with each missed opportunity, and I was running out of excuses which sounded plausible. So the next thing I did was simply ignore the issue. I pretended things were fine, and Rainey, as far as I could tell, bought it.

We saw each other the second Friday after returning from our trip, a dinner out and then an evening of making love. I was aroused enough to get into the sex with Rainey, but my mind regularly sent reminders of the night with Audrey. It meant it took a long time to cum, but Rainey seemed to rather enjoy the long session and gushed her approval as we cuddled afterwards.

Audrey didn’t come over to my house to swim or visit my daughters over those weeks. She was simply away. I knew from Joyce that the teen had gotten a car and was frequently out each evening for practice or games or extra studies.

The vacuum between Audrey and me imploded on January 12th when my phone rang at eleven in the morning. My daughters were at school and I was lounging in my boxers, reading but so far not into the scotch just yet.

The caller id showed Audrey’s photo. I wondered why she would call me in the middle of a school day. My stomach clenched.

“Audrey?”

“Darren?” she said, her voice sounding upset, “are you at home?”

“Yeah...”

“Grandma Joyce was taken to the hospital a few minutes ago. I don’t know what’s wrong. My car won’t start and I need to get to her ... can you come get me?”

Every other worry, every thread of guilt, got shoved back and I immediately answered, “I’ll be right there.”

I was in front of Audrey’s school in less than ten minutes, having had the minimal forethought to be wearing more than just boxers. Audrey slammed into the passenger seat, her bag slung into the back. She’d been crying, her mascara smeared a bit under each eye.

“Any update?”

She shook her head as I pulled away, “Nothing. She was at breakfast with Grandpa Herman and I don’t know anything else.”

“Okay ... Hang in there, I’ll get you there as fast as I can...”

“Thanks, Darren...”

Nothing more needed to be said. Our night in Tokyo or its consequences didn’t matter one bit in that moment. I’d drop everything in the world to help Audrey. Well, my daughters were the exception, but only them.

We drove in silence and I dropped Audrey off at the hospital entrance, then I found a spot in the parking garage. At the reception desk, I asked after Joyce and they didn’t yet have any information. Since she was probably admitted through the emergency process, the clerk told me I could go to the ER waiting room and check there.

That’s where I found Audrey again. She was sitting on the edge of her seat, her eyes watering. She saw me and tried to smile, failing, nearly crying again.

“Heard anything?” I asked.

“Grandpa Herman said she might have had a heart attack. They took her back. He’s in the bathroom right now. Oh, Darren...”

I slid into the seat beside her and ignored the eyes glancing at us from all around. I wrapped an arm around Audrey and she put one around me, her head on my shoulders. There was nothing to do but wait and offer the teen support.

Herman returned and looked worn out and weary. He nodded at me, just a quick glance at Audrey, sitting heavily on her far side. Audrey took his hand and squeezed it tight. “Well,” the man said quietly, “they think it was a mild heart attack, nothing too serious, perhaps. They are admitting her and will probably keep her here for observation at least through tomorrow.”

“Is there anything I can do?” I asked.

“Look after my granddaughter, and, if you don’t mind, there are a few things I need from my home. Medications and that sort of thing.” He pulled out a small note pad and a pen, jotted a few notes, and handed it to me.

“Of course. I’ll go right now if you’d like.”

Herman nodded but said nothing else, the strain on his face obvious and disheartening.

Audrey leaned up and told me, “I’ll go to let you in...”

She walked just ahead of me to the parking garage, saying nothing.

The drive back to our neighborhood passed slowly and in silence. At one point, I took Audrey’s hand and squeezed it. She responded in kind, and then we let our grips fall away, our hands apart once more.

Audrey unlocked the door to her grandparents, then said, “Let me have the note. I’ll get what Grandpa Herman needs...”

I waited quietly just inside the door. It was odd being in the home alone with Audrey and no one else. The last time that had happened was the day our relationship had begun to become adult, the day I waited for the older neighbors to return from the store while Audrey got drunk and tried to tempt me into strip poker. So much had changed since those moments. Some were good. Many others, not so much.

Audrey returned with a bag slung over her shoulder and said, “I got everything, plus some things for me.” She stared at me a moment and into those light green eyes I sank. Temptation too real, the opportunity too rich, Audrey and I moved as one and she brought her lips to mine.

Her kiss was as passionate and needful as the one we’d shared in Tokyo. It seemed inevitable. Unavoidable. Here we were again, a tragedy in Audrey’s life and I was the one able and willing to give her my support, my strength. My love. I held her tight as we kissed, lost in her arms, in Audrey’s warmth, in her desire to be with me again. I was starting to lose the ability to consider those earlier arguments, those reasons why we couldn’t be together again.

I pulled back first, slowly, and spoke true words to her, “I love you, Audrey...”

“I know,” she said, hugging me tight again, “I love you so much...”

“We need to talk about—” I began.

“Not right now,” she cut in. “Please ... just ... not right now...”

“Okay...”

Rainey was somewhere in my thoughts, distant and blurry. All I could think about was Audrey and that moment in her arms. Whatever had happened, whatever we would do next, my head pushed all other worries aside and let those spare seconds holding Audrey be the only thing which mattered.

“I’m going to break up with Travis,” Audrey told me quietly while we sat in the small waiting area down the hall from Joyce’s room. They were still getting her settled in and we had yet to see the woman. Herman had gone down with the nurses to see his wife. She was stable, that we knew, but beyond that, there were only assurances that the medical team was providing Joyce the best care possible.

“Audrey,” I replied carefully, “is that because ... because of Tokyo?”

She shrugged, seated next to me, her eyes on the shiny white floor. “Partially, but ... not wholly...” Audrey shifted her legs from straight out to crossed, one over the other, their length always impressive even when covered with thick, modest black denims. “He’s a loon...”

“Loon?”

“Hypocritial fundy Christian...”

“Ah,” I replied with nothing eloquent offered up in response.

“He ... he kinda makes me feel guilty ... after we’re together ... says its sinful, that we can’t be together until we’re married.” Audrey’s reason was a gut punch to me. A soft one, given the circumstances and what she’d said about breaking up with the boy, but hearing confirmation that Audrey and Travis had been intimate, even in such couched terms, even when I knew it was happening, did nothing but upset my stomach further. “But he’s duplicitous ... one day he’ll be all super-uptight about it, not even wanting to kiss ... the next day ... he’s all ... all over me. And then after ... I don’t feel shame for desiring sex, Darren ... I’m not ashamed of it ... but ... but he tries to make it out to be my fault. Like I’m the one tempting him ... I’m tired of it. I’ve been thinking about breaking up with him for a couple of weeks. Tokyo ... Tokyo just made up my mind that it needed to happen soon...”

I nodded slowly, trying not to let the spiraling ‘what-ifs’ take me away from listening to Audrey in that moment.

“And,” she continued, “I’m not saying ... I’m not saying we have to be together ... Breaking up with Travis ... that’s separate ... at least partially. It doesn’t mean ... we have to be together...”