Part 2

They both snapped their attention back to me, Karen’s hands flying off Gillian as though her skin burnt her. She shot around the table and knelt at my side.

“Neil, it’s you I love. Jilly, well she ... we ... we used to be lovers before I met you. I ... I left her for you.” She stumbled over her words in her haste to say them. A tear threatened to trickle down her cheek. I wondered if it was for me or her lost love.

“Isn’t that just fucking wonderful, you’re in love with a woman. Is there anything else you’d like to tell me?”

“I said I’ll explain everything Niel, but you’ve got to promise you won’t discuss what I tell you, it would damage her career.”

“I don’t give a flying fuck about her career. Come on, that’s ridiculous, she’s too big a star for an old love affair to hurt her.” I sure didn’t care, because it was fairly obvious she didn’t care for me.

Karen blanched at the bitterness in my voice. She looked at Gillian, who shrugged her shoulders. Gillian stood and started fussing with the kettle and Karen settled in the chair next to mine. She held my hand and started talking.

“We first met when Jilly transferred to my school. Her parents had bought the guest house on the hill near our family farm. You know the one, the big white house with the old oak tree in the garden.”

I nodded, that meant I’d met Gillian’s parents. They’d never mentioned that they had a famous daughter.

Karen continued, “We were both in the lower sixth form, she was beautiful and sophisticated, I was the quiet, studious girl who’d never had a boyfriend. We used to catch the bus to school together, and soon I fell in love with her. It took me most of a year to tell her, only to find out that she liked me as well.”

“I didn’t like you, I loved you,” Gillian said from where she stood with her back to us. Her voice trailed away as she added with a hint of desperation, “And I still do!”

Karen looked at her and started to rise, then she tightened her grip on my hand and settled back down. I squeezed back and then gestured at Gillian who still stood with her back to us, her shoulders shaking as she silently sobbed. I felt like the villain in this unfolding story, so I nodded my head in her direction and smiled. Karen smiled back gratefully and went and put her arms around her. Gillian relaxed, and turning, gave Karen a grateful smile. Her gaze hardened as her eyes flicked over me. Jesus, I can’t do anything right, give the woman an inch and she wanted a mile.

A few moments later, they brought the teapot and the cups over to the table and resumed their seats.

“I guess this wasn’t a purely spiritual love,” I said as the master of understatement.

The pair of them looked a bit embarrassed. “It took us almost a year of pussyfooting around each other before we finally got together,” Karen said. “It was on my eighteenth birthday.” A brief smile cracked my face over her choice of words.

Gillian poured the tea; it always amazes me how the British respond to crises by serving tea. Not that I’m complaining; I sipped mine contentedly.

Gillian continued the story, “For most of our last year at school we were lovers. We had to keep it a secret as my parents wouldn’t and still don’t accept that I prefer female lovers. We were a lot more open about our relationship when we were at university; she and I shared a bedsit.”

I had a disturbing thought and looked at Karen, “Just when did your relationship with Gillian end, or has it ended?”

“It did, I told her it was over when she got back from France, that was about two weeks after we met. But I’m not sure I’ve ever been completely over her,” she admitted.

Fuck, I had to swallow the surge of anxiety her words created and asked Gillian, “I don’t remember ever seeing you at the University.”

“I was studying drama and the arts. When you met Karen, I wasn’t around. I was at the Sorbonne for a month. We did meet afterwards, but I didn’t look like this. I had mousey brown shoulder length hair, and since then I’ve had a nose job.” She looked at me expecting me to remember her, but unfortunately, nothing came immediately to mind.

Something else clicked, and I said to Karen, “This is why you hesitated when I asked you to marry me. It wasn’t what you thought you hadn’t experienced, but more what you knew you were going to miss.”

She shook her head, “No, by then I was fully committed to you. I was just scared that was all. I just agreed with your thoughts, it seemed simpler. Have you never wondered why they call me the Iron Lady at work? Don’t deny you didn’t know that.”

I gave her a brief smile, but I wasn’t smiling inside.

She gave a little laugh. “It’s simple; there is only ever going to be one man in my life. I’ve never had any feelings for any man other than you. I’m a closet lesbian with a dirty secret; I love one perfect man. All my female friends were either gay or bi. I’m more at risk from the women in my office.” She gave me a half grin.

She reached out and ran the back of her finger down my cheek, “I love you, Neil, and you’re the only man I ever could love.”

Gillian wriggled uncomfortably in her seat, and I had to ask her, “Are you with anyone at the moment?” I hoped there was, as then I wouldn’t feel as guilty. No such luck.

Her response was sharp and bitter, “You mean since you stole her from me?” She shook her head, and the fight seemed to leave her. She murmured, “No, just a few random brief affairs, a few men, but mostly women. I’ve never met anyone who comes even close to Karen. She still has my heart.”

Karen looked close to tears again. She took Gillian’s hands and said softly to her, “He didn’t steal me; he never knew about you. Christ, he never knew I was into women. I met him, and my world lurched sideways. I fell in love with him that first night. I told you all this last week.”

She heard my gasp and gave me a concerned glance

My world collapsed. They’d been together last week. Her asking me for her free pass was just to cover up their affair. I needed fresh air, I made it the ten steps to the garden patio before the tears rolled down my face. They’d met up in Chicago, was their meeting an accident or had the sales conference just been a convenient excuse for Karen, and they been planning this for ages?

The sun warmed my face as I sat down in one of the chairs. Through the open patio doors, I could hear them arguing. I’m not sure how long I sat there trying to regain my composure, but it was probably only a couple of minutes. Taking a deep breath, I stood and reluctantly joined them in the kitchen.

“I have to know, did you actually go to the sales conference, or was it just an excuse to hook up?” I said to Karen as I sat down.

Karen looked horrified at my question, “I went for the conference, meeting Jilly was an accident. She was staying in a suite at the same hotel. I was going to dinner, and she was in the lift. I don’t know who was more surprised, her or me.”

That didn’t sit right, a mega star staying in a conference hotel and riding the lift on her own. “Is that how it happened?” I asked Gillian.

“Yes,” she said defiantly, her hands clasped in her lap.

I sensed that there was more to this than Gillian was admitting to. I waited for her to continue.

Nothing, so I pushed her, “That sounds just too convenient. Same hotel, same lift, and you all on your own.”

“Tell me it was just a coincidence?” Karen asked Gillian.

After a long pause, Gillian said, “I knew you would be there and I made sure we would bump into each other. I needed to see you.”

“So everything you told me was a lie?” Karen sounded on the edge of anger.

“No, everything I said was true, I just engineered our meeting that’s all.”

I looked at Karen as she stared at her ex-lover, or was she still an ex anymore? “Have you already used your free pass?” I asked.

She gasped and turned her attention back to me. “No, we cuddled and kissed that’s all, nothing really sexual. Mostly we talked.”

Nothing really sexual, I thought! Kissing and cuddling were as sure as fuck sexual as far as I was concerned.

“You seem to have come back from Chicago with a different impression of ‘nothing really sexual’, to the one you left here with.” I snapped.

“Nothing happened, I promise you. I’m still the same person who loves you.”

“Are you? Because it doesn’t look like that to me. So if that’s the case, what’s this weekend all about then?”

Karen hesitated, and after a few moments, Gillian said, “It’s my problem, so I’ll answer that.”

Gillian said, “She didn’t do anything wrong. She had no clue I was going to be there. I needed to see Karen for a reason. I had a bit of a meltdown last year, well, more than a bit if I’m honest, and I’ve been undergoing therapy ever since. My therapist says that most of my issues stem from hiding my sexuality and never getting closure from my time with Karen. I returned from Paris, and she’d already moved out of our bedsit and into the room in the other girls’ flat. She’d moved on, but I never could. I ended up moving to the States to finish my last year. I joined a drama society, and well, you know what happened after that.”

“I want to get on with my life,” she continued. “My therapist felt I needed to ask her to spend one last weekend with me, to go back to where we were in our relationship and have that final time I was denied.”

There was something in the way she said that that didn’t sit quite right. It was just too pat.

Karen said softly, “I promised her a long time ago that if she were ever to really needed me or she was in trouble, I’d be there for her. Neil, I spoke to her therapist, and she confirmed all that Jilly told me. She wanted me to stay in the States with her last weekend, but I refused. I had to talk to you first.”

I was still bitter, but if what Gillian was telling the truth and she did need this to move on.

“And I just fucked it all up didn’t I?” I said. “Mind you, if you’d told me what this was all about I might not have lost my mind in the way I did. You should have talked to me.”

“How was I supposed to tell you I’d been into women when we first met, and I wanted to go away for a weekend with my ex-girlfriend? I just hoped you’d trust me enough to let me go.”

I swallowed hard and praying to all the gods that I wasn’t going to regret what I was about to say. “I do trust you, love, but I’d rather you didn’t go away, in fact, I insist you don’t. This is your home. If this is what you really want to do, then ... then I’ll find somewhere to stay for the weekend, and you two can stay here. It’ll be a lot more private.” I guessed that the pub in Upton was about to get some repeat business from me. I hoped that Karen being surrounded by all the reminders of our happy marriage, would reduce the risk that I’d lose her to Gillian.

Karen dragged Gillian out of the kitchen and into the lounge. There was a flurry of words, most too indistinct for me to make out. At one point, Karen’s voice was raised, and I heard, “I’m not ... make ... husband ... our home ... feel more ... love him.” Before her voice dropped away.

I had been trying to remember Gillian before she was transformed into the beautiful woman that she was now. I had a vague recollection of a cute, quiet girl, who been on the periphery for a brief period after I’d first Karen. Was that her? I couldn’t be sure.

As I waited, something shifted in me. The more I thought about it, there was just too much about this that I felt uncomfortable about. I was sure there was so much more to this than Gillian was admitting to. My contemplations were interrupted by the voices from the lounge that rose and then finally tailed off. Moments later they returned holding hands. My hackles rose.

Karen walked over to me and sat on my lap. “You are my one and only love. I can only do this if you give me your blessing. This is gaining closure for both Jilly and me. I hadn’t realized that I also needed to draw a line under that part of my life until I spoke with her therapist.”

I said, “I’m not sure anymore. I always assumed that if you ever decided to use your free pass, it would be the desire to try something different, maybe even something exotic. Not this, not to rekindle a lost love. Neither option would have made me happy, but this wasn’t what I intended you to use it for. This scares me, I think this could destroy our marriage. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You need to trust me, love, I’ll never leave you,” she said. I stroked her hair and then looked away.

She swallowed and then said hesitantly. “Neil, Gillian’s going to go back to London tonight, and I said I’ll join her tomorrow. I promise I’ll be back Sunday evening.”

I stiffened, it was happening; I was losing her.

“No, I’m sorry, you heard what I said. If you insist on going away, then I won’t be here when you get back. I can’t stay here on my own, it’ll hurt too much. I’ll find somewhere to stay and decide what I’m going to do with the rest of my life.”

She whimpered, but I carried on. “This wasn’t what I meant the Free Pass to be used for. This is cold and calculated, and I’m sorry, but I feel manipulated. You have a choice love, make it wisely.” I eased her off my lap and stood up. The color left her face, and she sat down quickly.

Gillian was in my face immediately. “You bastard, she loves you. You have everything I’ve ever wanted, and you can’t give her just this one little thing.”

I pointed the finger at her, “Be honest, bitch, this isn’t one little thing, nor is it one weekend. It’s not a case of me giving her one little thing, it’s you trying to taking her away from me. This is you wanting to rekindle her feelings for you.”

“No that’s not true,” Karen gasped. She looked at Gillian for confirmation, but she wouldn’t meet her eyes.

“Christ, think about it. Was last week really as innocent as she wants you to believe?” I snapped.

Suddenly, the rest of words I needed came to me; “She was stalking you, for fuck’s sake. Her therapist was conveniently on tap. I know you feel strongly that you have a responsibility to help Gillian. I feel just as strongly, that if you go away with her this weekend, then her goal isn’t to heal herself but to steal you away from me. She admits she still loves you, and I can’t see how one weekend is going to resolve that.”

“Neil, I know and trust her; that’s not the Jilly I know.”

“I don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Know or trust her,” I said bitterly as I stood to my full height.

“You don’t need to believe me,” Gillian said sharply. “Only she does. She knows I’m telling the truth.”

We’d apparently come to an impasse. Karen looked back and forth between Gillian and me, but neither of us seemed willing to compromise.

“In the end, it’s your decision, love,” I finally said, and I started fighting in earnest for my marriage. “You know from what I just said, what I think. I understand that she wants a resolution to all of this, and I know I can’t compete with everything she can offer you.” I gestured at myself and around us. “In my case, you get what you see.” I pointed to myself, “And what you know.”

“And I love what I see and know,” she murmured.

“I’m offering you a compromise, you can have your weekend, but it has to be here. I need to know where you will be.”

Karen looked pleadingly at Gillian, “I’d be just as happy here, please Jilly it’s a fair compromise.”

“No, it won’t work. Dr Stein thinks it needs to be somewhere I’m comfortable.”

“This is my home, what could be more comfortable than here.”

“Is a hotel in London, where you are comfortable?” I added. I assumed that Dr Stein was her therapist.

“I don’t intend for us to stay at my hotel. I have a place in the highlands of Scotland, my bolt hole. We are going to fly there Friday night. We are just going to meet at the Dorchester.”

“Oh, fucking fantastic, and just when were you going to tell me this, Karen? When you were on the plane?” I was really pissed off now. I could almost feel my marriage crumbling around my feet.

“I didn’t know, please, believe me, I didn’t know. I thought we were going to her hotel. When were you going to tell me?” she asked her friend.

“I didn’t think you would mind where we went for the weekend.”

“And you wonder why I don’t trust her,” I said in exasperation. “Karen it’s decision time. In the last twenty-four hours, you’ve turned my life upside down. You have a past life that you’ve kept secret from me for over eleven years, and because she comes back into your life with a sob story, you’ve agreed to spend the weekend with her. This farce ends now! You need to make a decision. Me or her!”

Turning to Gillian, I said, “Gillian, you need to go, you’re no longer welcome in my home.”

I stood up and walked over to the counter. I was thirsty, and I seriously needed a drink. I got a glass

Gillian reached out to Karen, who was trying to follow me. “Come with me, please babe, you know I need you. My life’s not complete without you.” Gillian was pleading, and I couldn’t help but feel that her words might have even come from some script she’d used as a popular actress. The tone was off just a tad.

Karen shied away from her and looked at me with a scared expression.

“I agreed to the weekend because you and your therapist convinced me it would help you,” she said.

Karen continued, “I felt I owed it to you for the abrupt way our relationship ended, and yes I still have some feelings for you, but I won’t put you before my marriage. Let’s be honest we were drifting apart before you went to Paris and you proved that when you slept with that tart. I never planned to meet Neil, but falling into his arms that night was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Gillian began to sound desperate. “Please, love, let me back into your life.” She held her hands out to Karen. “I know I made mistakes, but I’ve never been able to get you out of my mind, and I’ve tried. Honestly, I’ve tried so many times.”

Karen looked from her to me, and I could see she wanted to comfort her old friend.

“What do you really want from us, Gillian?” I asked.

She looked at me pitifully, and for the first time that day her words rang true. “I want what you two have: the trust and the love. Do you want to know how many times I’ve watched you, so many times, secretly hiding in the shadows, wishing I was part of your love. I’ve imagined being with both of you.”

If I didn’t find out what this was really all about, I knew, I was going to regret it. I needed to know what, if anything, Karen’s involvement was. I couldn’t afford to jump to conclusions. My stomach grumbled reminding me I hadn’t eaten since breakfast at the pub and it was getting late.

Reluctantly, I said, “Sit back down Gillian.”

She gave me a grateful look, sat down again, and I could sense Karen relax a little.

“I don’t know about you two, but I’m hungry, so it’s either the village pub or we order in. Personally, I could murder a pint. I’m guessing that there’s a lot more to this than the pair of you are admitting to, and I’d like to get to the bottom of it.”

Gillian said, “It might be better if we stay in, the paparazzi have been trying to find me since my recent public split up with my latest boyfriend.”

“Christ, what else haven’t you told us? Is this you trying to replace him with Karen?” I asked.

“No, that’s not what it’s all about. He was just a fling that got a bit out of hand.”

I wasn’t convinced.

“Are you worried to be seen with us?” Karen asked.

“No, but my life’s a bit of a mess at the moment, and I’d rather not drag you into it.”

I noted it was you, not us.

Karen laughed, “I don’t think we are that worried; the locals at the pub will toss anyone causing a problem in the duck pond. The locals are rather protective.”

“Okay, pub it is,” I said making a decision. “But Gillian you ARE going to tell me the truth. You will answer my questions, or you might as well get in your car and piss off.”

She didn’t look like she was happy, but murmured her agreement.

“Karen, we really need to have a talk about your past. The rules of the game for both of you are simple. I ask a question, and you answer it truthfully. There are no other options.”

They both agreed. I had to wait twenty minutes before we headed off to the pub while they changed out of the old jeans and tee-shirts they were wearing and into something more suitable.

Their idea of suitable made my jaw drop. Gillian had borrowed a black dress of Karen’s, and with her raven hair pulled back into a French braid, she looked every inch the movie star she was. For some reason, I don’t recall Karen filling out that dress the same way Gillian did. Karen was in my favorite denim skirt, and a white peasant blouse and my heart ached as I took in her beauty. I held my arms out to her, and she hugged me, her lips seeking mine.

The pub is a five-minute walk away. It nestles to one side of the village cricket pitch, close to the infamous duck pond. It’s a proper English village pub, a haunt for the locals. It’s warm, cosy, friendly and best of all, it’s off the beaten track. Strangers are a rarity and discouraged. It was our local, and due to an interesting set of circumstances, we been accepted by the locals very early on, so when Gillian walked in ahead of us, there was a brief hush, until they saw Karen and me following her, and then the hubbub resumed.

I waved at Carol, the owner of the pub. She smiled at me as I ordered our drinks from the bar. We found a cosy corner and made ourselves comfortable. The girls sat next to each other on a padded bench, and I sat on the other side of the table in a high back wing armchair so I could look at both of them at the same time. I wanted to see how they reacted to my questions.

Carol came over with our drinks. She gave Karen a kiss on the cheek and me a hug, she ruffled my hair. Karen induced her to Gillian calling her Jilly.

“You remind me of someone,” Carol said to Gillian, but she didn’t wait for a response. Turning to Karen, she asked if we wanted food and seeing us nod, she listed the specials. The girls ordered the grilled salmon and salad. I was happy to hear that my favourite was on the menu, game pie.

Once Carol had left, I looked at the two beautiful women sitting across the table. They both looked nervous and apprehensive, but they sat quietly waiting for me to start.

I swallowed a mouthful of my beer and then asked, “Why all these charades Gillian, because I don’t think a final weekend with Karen is what you are looking for.”

“It did start out like that, I followed the script just the way my therapist proposed, but after meeting Karen last week, I knew it would not be enough. I could sense that she still loved me.” She turned to my wife and looked at her with desperation in her eyes. “Please don’t deny it, I know you felt it as well.”

“Jilly, I’ve never stopped loving you; holding you in my arms brought it all back to the surface.” Gillian’s face lit up but lost its sparkle as Karen continued. “But as much as I love you, it doesn’t compare to how much I love Neil.”

Karen reached out and delicately caressed the side of Gillian’s face. “You will always have a significant place in my heart, but he owns it. You were my first true love, and you helped me understand who I am. I don’t think I would have survived my first year at university if it hadn’t been for you.” She put her arm around Gillian, and she responded by laying her head on Karen’s shoulder with a little sob.

The image of the pair of them sitting opposite me brought back a fleeting memory.

“Now I remember you,” I said. “That midterm party at Michael’s, a month or so after we met. I got there very late and you two were sitting just like that on the sofa. I was just happy to see she wasn’t being hit on by Michael’s mates.” I gave an ironic laugh. “Only you were hitting on her, weren’t you?”

She smiled ruefully back at me, “That’s right, only it was probably one of the few times I wasn’t trying to win her back. I just told her that I was going to the States the following term to finish my degree.”

“I couldn’t let you see me crying,” Karen remembered. “I had to rush off to the loo. I was scared you’d ask awkward questions.”

“Time for a bit of honesty, I think,” I said. “Who wants to go first?”

There was a long pause while they looked at each other. “I’ll go first,” Gillian said.

She leant forward, so she didn’t need to shout. She held out her hand, and Karen took it.

“Here goes. When Karen told me she’d fallen in love with you, my world fell apart. I was freer with my relationships, but I always knew that Karen loved me. She was the one I’d go back to, and she’d take me back each time. When she rejected me, I had to get away. There was an opportunity to finish my studies in New York. I jumped at it hoping for a fresh start and didn’t I just get one. The drama professor got me a job as an extra on a film. An old student of hers was directing it.

“She went with me and introduced me to Rachael, the director. When she heard my British accent, she gave me a few lines to say. She gave me a small role in her next film and then the roles kept coming along until three years later I’m staring in my first movie.”

She took a sip from her drink and then continued. “And yes, before you ask I did sleep with Rachael. The sex was fun, but I didn’t love her. I’ve stumbled from one role to the next and one affair to the next. I love the acting, but not one of my affairs actually meant anything. I knew that there was something missing. I enjoyed the sex, but there was never the spark. I love Karen and I always will.”

“This is where it gets a bit embarrassing. I’ve had a firm of private investigators on retainer for the past five years. They’ve been keeping an eye on both of you.”

“What the fuck!” I exclaimed, and Karen looked shocked.

“I wasn’t looking for anything bad,” she assured us. “I wanted to know what Karen was doing. I just wanted to feel like I was part of your life. They’d send me updates, photos and videos. Getting new ones were the highlights of my week. They let me know if you were going somewhere I could watch you safely. I even sent you tickets to events so I could see you.”

“A month ago they informed me you were going to Chicago to the conference. I had it all set up so that when we met, it would look like a complete accident.”

Something she had said triggered a thought, but just as quickly as it came, it went.

Karen said, “You’re a Hollywood megastar; how did you keep this secret? If it came out you were spying on us, the gossip columnists would have plastered all over the papers.”

“Money buys silence,” said Gillian. “Plus, everything is done through my lawyers, and they use several different cut-outs.”

We fell silent as Carol served our food. She looked carefully at Gillian and then said quietly, “You’re Gillian Faith, aren’t you? I thought I recognised you earlier.”

I said, “Damn it, Carol don’t tell anyone. She’s an old friend of Karen’s, and the last thing we want is for a pack of paparazzi to descend on the village.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything, but I don’t know if you’ve seen this. It might be wise if I give Philip and the lads a heads up in case people start asking questions about her.” She laid a tabloid paper on the table open to the gossip pages. Then she walked over to a couple of the local lads from the village cricket team and started talking with them.

Gillian’s face was prominent under a banner headline.

‘JACK AND JILL. BIG BUST UP IN RESTAURANT’.

“Fuck!” Gillian looked around her as though she expected hordes of photographers to pop up. “The big bust up was me saying I needed a few days alone to sort out a personal issue and him taking a huff and walking out on me. He was a bit of a waste of space, so it’s no great loss.”

Karen said, “Are you talking about Jack Williams, the singer?”

Gillian nodded.

I gave her a questioning look, she’d mentioned splitting up with her boyfriend earlier, but I hadn’t registered it. “Am I missing something here, your boyfriend?”

“Neil, I’m bi, I prefer women, but I do enjoy sex with the odd man, and having a boyfriend is right for my public persona. Karen was only interested in women when I knew her, I was so shocked when she told me she’d fallen in love with you.”

“Yes, that’s another thing I’ve learnt today.”

Karen reached out and grasped my hand, “I know I should have told you before this. It’s true that when I first met you, I was only interested in women. I met you, and that changed, now you are my only love. I’ve never met another man I’m attracted to.”

I had to ask the question that was in the front of my mind. “What about other women. Have you had any other lovers since I’ve known you?”

“No one new since before Thailand when you asked me to marry you. And before that, there were no mad love affairs, but I’d kept in contact with my old friends in the flat.”

The overnight stays at her old flat I thought. “The nights you would stay over at your old flat. I never understood why you kept your room, it makes sense now.”