Chapter 1: Cold-nosing
Copyright© 2017 by Wyden Long
Humor Sex Story: Chapter 1: Cold-nosing - Vignettes from the Redneck experience for those of you who think you imagine what it was like. Warning, this is not a PC story.
“Whir have you bin, JC? You wuz s’posed to be home on the bus. That dam cow hain’t gonna milk itself. She’s bin bellerin’ for you ever’ since the bus went on by.”
“That dam’ teacher made me stay after school.”
“Well, you know I missed the bus this mornin’ and she ast me why I wuz late. I started tryin’ to tell her and she made me go in the cloak room.”
“I don’t know. As soon as I said Paw sleeps nekkid, she shushed me up and made me go in there with her, cause she didn’ want ever’body to hear.”
“I don’t remember anythang happening that would hev made her mad. Tell me zackly what you told her.”
“Well, like I said, I told her Paw sleeps nekkid and she gits this kinda funny looking squinched up face and tells me to go on. All the time, she’s kinda bindin’ over and pushin’ her fist in her crotch with one hand and grabbin’ my arm with the other’n. I tole her about him hearin’ somethin’ in the chickens about four and he jumps up and grabs the shotgun and the flashlight and heads out to see what wuz goin’ on. When he bent over to look up in the hen house, old Rover cold-nosed him and we wuz cleaning chickens till ten.”
“What wuz it that made her mad at you?”
“I don’t have nary idear, Momma. She just kinda froze up and shook a little and she damn near took my arm off, she wuz squeezin’ so hard. Then she tole me to go back to class and stay after school. When she squeezed past me to go out the door, it felt like she grabbed my dick, but I thought I wuz dreamin’.”
“How come she made you stay? None of that wuz your fault.”
“I don’t know, Momma. All I know is that as soon as everbody else wuz gone, she drug me back in that cloak room, then she closed the door, threw her dress up over her ass and told me to do her as fast as I could. I weren’t real shore whut she mint, but I whupped her out and plugged her in right away, just in case she mint somethin’ else and I might not git another chance.”
“Shit, JC, this is gittin’ me worked up too. Yore daddy won’t be home fur a long time. How bout you doin’ me while you finish your story?” She bent over like JC’s teacher had done and threw her flour sack dress over her back, just like his teacher had done.
JC weren’t no dummy. He whupped it out again and drilled his momma, just like he drilled his teacher. It felt real good, but old Bessy was goin’ to have to do without tonight. All she would git would be a milkin’, this time.
“That feels real good, JC. Now go on with your story.”
“There weren’t much more, Momma. Miz Jones jus’ kep’ hunchin’ her ass, like you’re doin’. Then she commenced to quiverin’ and shakin’ like a bitch dog shittin’ peach pits, jus’ like you’re doin’.”
“Don’t stop, JC. Don’t stop. This is gittin’ me good. Reach aroun’ me an’ grab a biskit while I’m finishin’. You still gotta milk that cow.”
“Ok, Momma. These is good biskits. Kin I have some of that tenderloin you cooked up?”
“You kin have anythang you like, JC, if you jus’ keep hammerin’ that thang in my pussy till I git there.”
“Git whir, Momma?”
“Sh-sh-shut up, JC and jus’ fuck. Nowwwww! Ohhhh shittt! Oh, shittttttttttt!. Damn, that wuz good, JC. Yore dick is gittin’ as big aroun’ as yore daddy’s an’ it’s longer, too.”
“Hell, Momma. Don’t jus’ tell me, tell Sissy.”
“Sissy ain’t ready fir that big log of your’n. I’ll tell yer granma”.
“Granma? Why wud you tell her?”
“Jus’ you wait and see, Mr. Smartpants. You don’ know whut you’ve been missin’.”
Bessy was very relieved when JC got to the barn with the milk bucket. Her teats were painfully swollen from the overdue milking. She even missed her regular reaming a bit, although she soon forgot it, while munching on the delicious sweet hay that JC threw down for her.
JC had a fondness for old Bessy, since she was the first female who gave it up for him. He didn’t care in the slightest whether she was a cow or human. All he cared about was that she was female and let him fuck her. She was his first piece of ass and possibly his favorite. As he patted her ass and forked the hay down to her in gratitude, he remembered his first sexual experiment involving Bessy. It had not gone well, at all.
Every time he watched the cows at the salt block, it gave him a hard on to watch those huge tongues slathering wetly up and down the salt block and he imagined them on his dick, which he pumped furiously, while watching the cows.
“Why cain’t I get in on that?”, he wondered. He pushed Bessy out of the way and rubbed his painfully hard dick all over the wet salt block, to get the flavor he knew she liked, spread all over what he wanted to get licked.
It only took one swipe of Bessy’s sandpaper tongue on his mutilated dick to make him understand why the salt blocks had to be replaced so often. Limping back to the house, trying to hide his pain and the blood dripping down his leg, he failed to notice his father watching out the corner of his eye and sympathizing with his son. JC wasn’t the first in his line to learn some things the hard way.
JC’s next experiment was even less successful. He had tried plugging Bessy several times, but she either swiped him out of the way with her tail or simply walked away. She was too big for him to push around. However, she had a calf. Aha!
JC tied the calf’s head up against a post and wedged stuff around her so she couldn’t move, then stood on a bucket, pushed his overhawls down to his knees and lined his gigantic (?) dick up with her pussy lips, hoping to get his first piece of ass.
The calf swished her tail to the side, as if making way for him.
“This is workin’ out real good”, he thought.
Then she dropped a washtub full of loose shit in his overhawls.
How in hell do you explain a load of cow shit, inside your overhawls? JC took off for the swimming hole. It was too damn cold to go swimming, but now was not a good time to worry about cold water. As soon as he got there, he jumped right out in the middle of the pond and worked his overhawls off, so he could get the shit out. He might be able to convince his momma that he fell in the pond, but he couldn’t imagine a lie to explain the cow shit.
His momma was no fool, either. She was watching out the kitchen window when he ran out of the barn all hunched over and waddling to the pond, before jumping in.
“Jim?”, she turned to her husband who was still sopping up the molasses with the left over corn bread after finishing his molasses, tomato and cornbread sandwich.
“Looks like JC just tried to fuck the calf.”
“Did he come duck-walking out of the barn with his overhawls down to his knees and jump in the pond?”
“Must have tried to fuck the calf.”
“You think I ought to interduce him to that stump-broke mule I bought the other day?”
“Might help him out a bit. How come Jake got rid of his mule? Don’t it take a good while to train a mule to the stump?”
“He said Mindy caught him. He forgot his dinner when he went out to plow the back forty and Mindy took it to him. When she caught him on the stump with his dick lodged in the mule’s cunt, she threatened to turn him in if he didn’t get rid of her.”
“I guess she didn’t like the competition.”
“Guess not. Say, would you mind if I dropped around and offered her a chainst to git even?”
“Not if you don’t mind if I give JC a little, to keep him happy till his granny gits here.”
“Hell, Honey. We both know it ain’t gonna wear out. You just give him all you want to. Did you say yore momma is coming’?”
“Still got her store bought teeth?”
“Still likes takin’ them out so she can lick yore balls while she sucks you off?”
“I don’t have no balls.”
“When is she comin’? Maybe I oughtta let Mindy wait a while. Wouldn’t want to short yore momma when she starts whistlin’ Dixie with a mouth full of cock. That’s gotta be one of the best thangs I ever done.”
“I’ll show you ‘best thangs’. Whup that thang out. If you kin hold off till I git to the end of the first verse, I’ll give you a shot at that ‘old dirt road’ you keep talkin’ about.”
“Whoooheee, darlin’! You shore know how to git my tractor started. Git ready. I’m agonna plow you up one side and down the other’n.”
“What if JC gits his dry overhawls on and gits in here before you finish?”
“Well, he kin just have the highway while I plow up the old dirt road.”
“Oh, Honey. That got me started. Now you try not to let yore knees buckle when I start hummin.”
Later that evening, the family was lounging around the fireplace, full of good grits, gravy and fatback with turnip greens, letting it all digest while they watched the hypnotic, dancing flames of the Hickory logs.
“Don’t you jus’ feel sorry for people who ain’t got nary fireplace?”
“I shore do. You know, hit sounds like hit’s arainin’. JC, go outside and see.”
“Aw, hell, Paw. Jus’ call in a dag and see if hit’s wet?”
“I told you that boy was smart, Jim.”
“Yeah, he takes after yore daddy a lot, don’t he?”
“Don’t you be worryin’ ‘bout that ‘less you want me to have a little chat with Sissy.”
“You jus’ leave Sissy alone. She’s comin’ along jus’ fine.”