Act I

H Will you change the channel?

L But it's my show, dear.

H I am going to throw my shoe into that screen if you don't change it right now.

L Harry, you are being a real jerk tonight.

H I can't take that fucking guy, what is his name again, Steve something? If he snorts like that one more time I will absolutely puke.

L You'll do what, dear?

H Puke. Puke. Puke. Clean the wax out of your ears, dear. You don't like me saying "Puke"?

L Oh, Harry, you can be so crude sometimes. I don't know why I ever married you. My parents told me you were a complete prick.

H That's a laugh. I don't think either of them ever used that word in their entire life. It's all you, dear; you make things up whenever you feel like it.

L Do not! (Pause) Pour me another drinkie, lover. Don't forget the ice this time.

H (humming) Moon Riverrrr, wider than the Ocean, Moon River and meeeee.

L Harry, you don't know any of the lyrics properly. Besides, you can't carry a tune if your life depended on it.

H I suppose you are Barbara Streisand, Miss knows it all and is an expert in everything.

L At least I can sing better than you. You sound like a drunken alley cat howling at the Moon.

H I doubt that, dearest; you wouldn't know a good song unless you accidently tripped over it after too many martinis.

L That's enough, Mister Bully, I do NOT drink too much. You're the one with the drinking problem.

H Aren't you the one that bragged to all our friends that you could drink me under the table any time you wanted?

L Talking about drinks, where the fuck is my drink? Are you in your second childhood or is everything just turning to mush in your empty head, dear?

H If anyone around her goes batty, it will be you, dearest. You can't hold your liquor and everyone knows you are a nasty drunk.

L (softly) I'm sorry, honey bumpkins; you know how I like it. Plenty of ice. Make sure you put in plenty of ice.

H (talking under his breath) Ice, ice, what the fuck is it with the ice thing? This ain't a motel, you know. Can't just fill up the bucket. All those years in the States have ruined your taste buds, Lucy baby.

L Harry, you have to be more pleasant.

H Ha Ha! That's the funniest thing you said all evening, Miss bumble bee mouth.

L Get with the program, Husband mine. We got guests coming tonight.

H What did you say?

L Now, who has the wax in their ears? I said guests, Harry, real live people not some blown up naked women you bounce on the mattress.

H That was a low blow even for you, Lucy. It was supposed to be a funny gift from the boys at the shop.

L It didn't stop you from grunting on top of it like some demented creature from the Black Lagoon.

H Don't knock the Black Lagoon, dear. Now that was a good film. They don't make them like that anymore.

L (Snorts derisively) You're showing your plebian roots again, dear. I do wish you would be more civilized.

H What's all this about guests? What's the occasion? Did you win a baking contest or knit a pair of ear muffs for the limp-wrist mayor? I don't know why you have that guy up here all the time. Are you sure he swings the other way?

L Now, don't you be poking fun at Lennie, Harry. He is just a sensitive soul, is all and he has a thing for poetry.

H Well, I don't like him and I sure as hell don't want to have any guests traipsing all over my castle tonight.

L The Master speaks. Let's hope he is still sober.

H I only want a little privacy, darling wife. Besides, they will reduce our stock of gin.

L Listen to Mister selfish. You hide all the good stuff, you prick. Go get a bottle of the Christmas cheer from wherever you hid it.

H If I didn't hide it you would drink it all up at once and I would be carting you into the emergency room flat on your pretty ass.

L Oh, darling, do you really think my ass is still Pretteeee? (She sticks her rump up in his face and pretends to moon him)

H Put it away Princess. My equipment is in full retirement.

L I bet you come out of retirement when you see the nice wife I got coming tonight with her young handsome husband.

H Handsome, you say, I bet he is handsome. Better get your kneepads out of the closet.