Chapter 29: Which Way Forward?

August 1982, Chicago, Illinois

I woke early on Sunday morning after a good night’s sleep. I was pleasantly surprised to not find Elyse in my bed. I wasn’t sure what our relationship was going to be, and I wanted to talk to her before anything happened, rather than afterwards. I went out to run, though I really would have preferred a sauna to help clear my head and organize my thoughts. When I got back, Elyse had just started a pot of coffee and I went to the shower. When I finished and dressed, I called Karin for our usual ten-minute chat, then went out to the kitchen to make breakfast.

When I had breakfast ready, Elyse and I sat down at the table.

“So?” she asked.

“Don’t ask me,” I sighed. “I’m confused as hell. Kara was supposed to be here, but she’s not. Stephie is going to be here a lot. Bethany is going to break up with Gene, and that could turn ugly. You and Warren broke up. At least Kathy and Kurt are stable!”

“I wasn’t sure what you thought about us at this point,” Elyse said.

“Hell if I know! I’m really not sure about anything right now. I love Kara more than anything, but it really sucks that she’s not here. On the other hand, she’s not here, so that means I can fool around with other girls.”

“Steve Adams, one day you’re going to admit that I’m right and accept that you’ll only be happy in a group situation. You just aren’t cut out for monogamy.”

“Jennifer told me the same thing,” I said.

“Well, there you have it. Two of the smartest girls you know agree! Girls who had no problem with sharing you, if you remember.”

“You and my sister should get together. She’s pointed that out about Jennifer repeatedly. She thinks I should marry Jennifer and have a couple of girls on the side, which Jennifer would not only accept, but with the right girls, let’s just say that we’d have a very interesting relationship.”

“She’s bisexual, right?”

“It seems so, but I think she prefers girls, at least somewhat. She went through a lot of shit to figure that out. I watched it. It was ugly and led to a suicide attempt by a mutual friend.”

“I’ve heard bits and pieces from you, Jennifer, Melanie, and Bethany, and pieced it all together. Society puts so much pressure on people to conform without any concern for who they are and what they want.”

“I know exactly what you mean,” I said, nodding.

“Of course you do. You’ve had a VERY socially unacceptable life. How many girls have you been with? No, don’t answer, but I know it’s at least three dozen.”

My heart had stopped when she first said that, thinking that she had figured out that Stephanie and I had been together. And if Elyse knew, then everyone would be able to figure it out! But I breathed easier when I realized that she was just referring to the sheer quantity of girls.

“Somewhere north of that figure. My mom has made it quite clear that any girl who would be seen with me must be a slut.”

“She’s a mean, bitter, sad woman, Steve. Don’t let her bother you.”

“I don’t anymore. She tried her damnedest to make a mess of my life and almost succeeded.”

“So what do we do?” Elyse asked.

“I honestly don’t have a good answer. What are you looking for from me? Still want to get married?” I asked with a grin.

She smiled, “I wish. But I know that’s not going to happen. Look, we have a serious history. We like to play around together. You aren’t steady with anyone and I’m sure as hell not steady with anyone. If you’re OK with it, let’s just play occasionally. I know Stephie’s going to be here a lot, so it won’t be very often. But if you remember, I went a long time without sex, so occasionally is enough. Are you willing?”

“Do you know what my biggest concern is now? That I’m falling back into my old ways. Kara’s giving me rope, and I’m afraid that I’m going to hang myself with it.”

“So why are you torturing yourself like this? What’s the problem here? Are ANY of the girls you’ve been with since May complaining? Are you not enjoying yourself? Why are you trying so hard to conform to a lifestyle that doesn’t suit you? Social pressure? Your mom? Kara? Some misplaced loyalty to a dead Swedish girl?”

“Elyse, that’s harsh,” I interrupted, rocked by her blunt words.

“I’m sorry, you’re right. Call it misplaced loyalty to the memory of your first true love.”

“Better,” I said. “Go on, I’m listening.”

I poured us each another cup of coffee and we moved to the couch, leaving the breakfast cleanup for later.

“I just don’t think you’re cut out for being married and limiting yourself to a single girl. Could you do it? Of course. You’d draw a line and never cross it. I know you can do that. And you would be miserable. Oh, you would put on a happy face, and you would have a good sex life, but deep down, you would struggle every single day. All it would take would be one misstep and everything would come crashing down. You could spend twenty years fighting it, then one moment of weakness and your entire life unravels.”

“We’re back to the tribal, group relationship argument again, aren’t we?” I said.

“Maybe. But it doesn’t even have to be that. Maybe as you get older and more mature, you’ll be less inclined to want other women. Except for that period when you and Kara were steady, have you ever been with just one girl for a long period of time?”

The answer was no, but it was more than that. Even when I’d been with Kara, I’d been with Stephanie, so even the relationship with Kara hadn’t really been exclusive, even after Becky.

“No. I haven’t.”

“How long did it take you before you cheated on Kara?”

I sighed, “Two weeks. But that was Becky, who played my emotions like a violin. I’m not making an excuse, mind you, just saying that wasn’t a temptation, as I think you mean it.”

“Even so, it happened. And it was May when it ended. Did you have sex with anyone else during that time?”

I nodded. “There was a girl who I’d made a promise to before I made love with Kara.”

There was no way I was going to say anything at all about Stephanie.

“So you weren’t REALLY steady with her. Did she know?”

I nodded again.

“So I would say, Steve, that you have never, ever been in a monogamous relationship. Birgit’s expectation for you conformed to the social norm — one man, one woman, together. But when have you ever cared about social norms? Or what other people think? I’d say that your life was pretty well fucked-up by trying to conform to what one other person thought. Why the hell would you let millions of other people control your life? Or worse, go back to letting one person control you.”

“But I don’t see what Kara’s doing as control. In fact, she’s giving me a lot of freedom.”

“Now. But it’s a means to an end. You were with so many girls that what do a few more matter? But she’s drawn a line in the sand and you’ve agreed not to cross it. That’s your choice, of course, but I don’t think that’s the right choice for you.”

“You know that Tatyana expects the same thing from me, right?”

“Yes, another traditional girl from a VERY traditional, conservative system. I know it sounds funny to call the Soviets conservative, but morally they sure are! Your girl gets away with a bit more because she’s part of the elite. Which is just like what happens here!”

I chuckled, “I pointed that out to her. She doesn’t see it, but it’s true.”

“Of course it is. The elite always get away with whatever they want to because they’re elite — at least until they’re led to the guillotine. The girls you’ve known the longest and who know you best — Jennifer and Bethany — as well as your sister and me, all seem to agree on what’s best for you, at least for now. And that’s not to commit to anyone anytime soon. Heck, you told me that Tatyana and Karin both said the same thing, basically. And I know Joyce has said that, too.”

“Sure, but for them, getting me not to commit is in their best interest. Joyce still hasn’t given up, despite what she’s said in that regard.”

“Do you feel guilty about anything you’re doing, Steve? I’ve never really known you to, except with regard to Becky.”

“No, I guess I don’t. But I’m not sure falling back into my old ways is a good thing, Elyse.”

“Why not? Since you graduated from High School, how many girls have you been with?”

I sighed, “Probably about twenty different girls.”

“And how many of those were new?”

“About half, I guess.”

“And were any of those mistakes? Do you feel guilty about any of them? At all?”

“No.”

“Who WOULD you feel guilty about having sex with?”

“Melanie, because she’s with Pete. Kathy, for the same basic reason — she’s with Kurt. Bethany and Jennifer because it would cause them all kinds of emotional anguish. Becky because it’s Becky.”

And Stephanie, but once again, I couldn’t say that.

“But Bethany and Jennifer are only because you’re committed to Kara. If you took Kara out of the picture, you COULD be with them.”

“Stephanie has said something similar to me about Jennifer,” I said.

“So, what are you going to do? What do you WANT to do?”

I spoke firmly and resolutely, “I want Kara to move in with me next Summer.”

“I’m sure you do. And if that’s the case, then maybe you shouldn’t be with anyone else between now and then. If you are really, truly committed to that, then why have any other girl? Drive to Milford on the weekends and get your rocks off, then come back. It’ll be tiring, but it’ll prove that you really want what you say you want.”

“Are you accusing me of wanting to have my cake and eat it, too?” I asked.

“You’re damn straight I am! Look, I don’t really care one way or the other. You know I’m not as traditional and conservative as you thought I was. Heck, I’m not as traditional and conservative as I thought I was! I tried with Warren and look where it got me.”

“Maybe you pushed him a bit too much?” I said.

“Maybe, but nothing we did was crazy. Your friend Kathy is WAY more conservative than any of your friends except Pete and Bethany, and she was cool with everything we did. I’ve seen her put on the brakes several times, and I’ve seen you honor those brakes unquestioningly. I think Warren was always hoping to get back together with his sweetheart from Junior High. What I realized was that I wasn’t happy with being just with him. I wanted to be with you, too.

“I guess what I’m saying is that, at least for now, I’m not interested in monogamy. I’m going to date, but I was hoping that for the rest of the time we’re here that we could be occasional lovers. Nothing permanent or even regular, my comments about marriage aside. That’s a question for much, much later.”

“My question for you, Elyse, is if Kara’s OK with this and I’m OK with this, why do you have a problem with it?”

“That’s just it! You AREN’T OK with it! You just told me that you were concerned about falling back into your old ways!”

I thought for a moment, and then said, “There’s a difference between having Stephie as a regular lover and having Kara back home, versus having a dozen girls. It’s the dozen girls part that worries me.”

“As well it should, you idiot! It proves my point. Look, we’re not going to make any headway on this now. You have to decide what you’re going to do and what you want. Nobody can decide for you. Either way, I’m here if you want to fool around. I need a shower now, if that’s OK.”

“Go ahead. I’ll clean up the kitchen, and that will give me some time to think.”

I refilled my coffee cup and sipped at it as I cleared the table and washed and put away the dishes. I wiped down the table and then turned on the stereo and went to sit in the bay window to think. In a sense, I realized, the Summer had been something of an anomaly. Stephie would be here the next afternoon, Monday, and for the most part, she’d be the only one I was intimate with except for Kara, and, possibly, Elyse. Even Anna, with whom I’d recently started up again, wasn’t really going to be available due to time and distance, and it looked as if Ruth would be finding a boyfriend. And I didn’t know if or when I’d see Tanya again. The natural course of things was putting me back on track.

“Need a refill?” Elyse asked when she came back from the shower.

“Sure,” I said, holding out my cup as she poured coffee into it.

“Come up with anything?”

“Kind of, I guess. For this school year, I’ll have Stephie here and Kara in Milford. The only other girls that might be in the picture would be Tatyana, and I don’t know when, or even if, I’ll see her again; and Karin, if she really comes to visit in February like she talked about. If I really boil it down, it’s just Kara and Stephie. Well, and whatever you and I decide to do. That set up doesn’t bother me. And it doesn’t bother Kara.”

“And when next Summer comes around?”

“Well, first thing will be heading to Sweden for Katt and Mikael’s wedding. Kara’s going along.”

“What?! I thought Katt was committed to being single until she was thirty!”

“Me too! But Mikael asked, and she said yes. Those two are perfect together. Heck, he loves her so much he offered her a last time with me, but I turned them down.”

“That’ll make for a boring trip for you if you take Kara,” Elyse said.

“No, it won’t, really. Will it mean I can’t have sex with lots of girls? Of course it will, but that won’t make it not fun!”

“You have a lot of time to think it through,” Elyse said, sipping some coffee. “Speaking of time, when does Stephie get in?”

“Tomorrow at 5:00pm. I’m picking her up. Kathy and Kurt will be back in Chicago on Wednesday. I was thinking of a Saturday get-together. Kurt, Kathy, Jackie, Stephie, you, and me. On Sunday, Stephie and I are going to Brooklyn, Michigan for a NASCAR race. We’ll be home late.”

“But Monday is the first day of class!” Elyse objected.

“Yeah, but both of us have our first class at 10:00am, so it’s no big deal. And it’s the first day of class, after all, so it’s not a big deal,” I said.

“I bet she’s super happy at Kara’s change of plans.”

“She is, just as Tatyana is. Well, they were sympathetic about Kara’s dad, but they were happy that it postponed their, well, expiration date,” I grinned.

“I’m curious, and I hope you’ll answer this. If you chose NOT to be with Kara, who would you put at the top of your list?”

“I hate hypothetical questions like that! Who knows what would have to happen for me to make a decision like that? And that would mean I’d be a very different person.”