Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
Chapter 929 All Kinds of Limericks
These are compliments of Rick M.
Air Lingus
A mother and her young son were flying Air Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane’s window, turned to his mother and said, “Mom, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
Stumped, the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area.
“Excuse me,” the boy said to the stewardess. “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
“Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
“Yes,” he said, nodding his head.
The stewardess whispered in the boy’s ear, “Tell your mother it’s because Air Lingus always pulls out on time.”
Prize Winning Toast
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me beautiful wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
These are compliments of A. Von W.
The Great Limerick Chase: A Showcase Library
There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
The miller’s sun, Jack,
Laid her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.There was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn’t harden.
Said she with a frown,
“I’ve been sadly let down
By the tool of a fool in a garden.”There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
Engaged to look after the deacon’s field,
But he lurked in the ditches
And diddled the bitches
Who happened to cross that antique ‘un’s field.There’s a charming young lady named Beaulieu
Who’s often been screwed by yours truly,
But now it’s appallin’
My balls always fall in!
I fear that I’ve fucked her unduly.There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude
I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!There was a young lady of Bicester
Who was nicer by far than her sister:
The sister would giggle
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.There once was a son of a bitch,
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
Yet the girls he would dazzle,
And fuck to a frazzle,
And then ditch them, the son of a bitch!There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
She was ugly and smelly,
With an awful pot belly,
But ... well, they were caught in the rain.There was a young sailor form Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, “You’re a tight one.”
She replied, “‘Pon my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole;
There’s plenty of room in the right one.A lacklustre lady of Brougham
Weaveth all night at her loom.
Anon she doth blench
When her lord and his wench
Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.A middle aged codger named Bruin
Found his love life completely a ruin,
For he flirted with flirts
Wearing pants and no skirts,
And he never got in for no screwin’.There was a young fellow of Burma
Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
But now that he’s married he’s
Been using cantharides
And the root of their love is much firmer.There was a young fellow from Cal.,
In bed with a passionate gal.
He leapt from the bed,
To the toilet he sped;
Said the gal, “What about me, old pal?”There was a young man from Calcutta
Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
“If her Bartholin glands
Don’t respond to my hands,
I’m afraid I shall have to use butter.”There once was a kiddie named Carr
Caught a man on top of his mar.
As he saw him stick ‘er,
He said with a snicker,
“You do it much faster than par.”There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady’s garter is.
Said she, “I don’t mind,
And higher up you’ll find
The place where my fucker and farter is.”A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
Says she, “You’re in luck,
He’s a stunning good fuck,
For I’ve had him myself down in Leicester.“For the tenth time, dull Daphnis,” said Chloe,
“You have told me my bosom is snowy;
You have made much fine verse on
Each part of my person,
Now do something there’s a good boy!”A maiden who wrote of big cities
Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
Sold her stuff at the shop
Of a musical wop
Who played with her soft little titties.There once was a gouty old colonel
Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
And he cried in his tiffin
For his prick wouldn’t stiffen,
And the size of the thing was infernal.A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant’s whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
And don’t wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too.”There was a young lady of Dee
Who went down to the river to pee.
A man in a punt
Put his hand on her cunt,
And God! how I wish it were me.I never had Miss Defauw,
But it wouldn’t have been quite so raw
If she’d only said “No”
When I wanted her so;
But she didn’t she laughed and said “Naw!”A beautiful bell of Del Norte
Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
Because during the day
She says: “Boys, keep away!”
But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.A young man by a girl was desired
To give her the thrills she required,
But he died of old age
Ere his cock could assuage
The volcanic desire it inspired.There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry, when you came,
“Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over.”There was a young man of Dumfries
Who said to his girl, “If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!”There was a young lady of Ealing
And her lover before her was kneeling.
Said she, “Dearest Jim,
Take your hands off my quim;
I much prefer fucking to feeling.”A lonely young lad of Eaton
Used always to sleep with the heat on,
Till he ran into a lass
Who showed him her ass
Now they sleep with only a sheet on.There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty, that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.There was a young lady of fashion
Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
To her lover she said,
As they climbed into bed,
“Here’s one thing the bastards can’t ration!”There was a young girl in Dakota
Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
“In addition to gas
We are rationing ass,
And you’ve greatly exceeded your quota.”There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
But when she was tight
It seemed quite all right,
So everyone filled her with gin.A reckless young lady of France
Had no qualms about taking a chance,
But she thought it was crude
To get screwed in the nude,
So she always went home with damp pants.A nervous young fellow named Fred
Took a charming young widow to bed.
When he’d diddled a while
She remarked with a smile,
“You’ve got it all in but the head.”There was a young fellow named Fyfe
Whose marriage was ruined for life,
For he had an aversion
To every perversion
And only liked fucking his wife.Well, one year the poor woman struck,
And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
And said, “Where have you gotten us
With your goddamn monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?“I once knew a harlot named Lou
And a versatile girl she was, too.
After ten years of whoredom
She perished of boredom
When she married a jackass like you!”There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
She wasn’t much hurt,
But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.There was a young lady of Gloucester
Whose friends they thought they had lost her
Till they found on the grass
The marks of her arse,
And the knees of the man who had crossed her.There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn’t, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood
The question’s not woody but could he?In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
Was the first time I ever laid down,
I was both proud and shy
As he opened his fly
And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
As it went in I made not a sound,
The more that he shoved it
The more that I loved it,
As he came on my Alice Blue gown.In my sweet little night gown of blue,
On the first night that I slept with you,
I was both shy and scared
As the bed was prepared,
And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.As we both watched the break of day,
And in peaceful submission I lay,
You said you adored it
But dammit, you tore it,
My sweet little night gown of blue.Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and slouch.
You can’t take your women
Canoein’ or swimmin’,
But a lot can be done on a couch.It always delights me at Hank’s
To walk up the old river banks.
One time in the grass
I stepped on an ass,
And heard a young girl murmur, “Thanks.”There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Who said, “You are utterly wrong
To say my vagina
‘s the largest in China
Just because of your mean little dong.”There once was a sad Maître d’hôtel
Who said, “They can all go to hell!
What they do to my wife
Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is they all do it well.”There was a young man named Hughes
Who swore off all kinds of booze.
He said, “When I’m muddled
My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up too many screws.”There were three ladies of Huxham,
And whenever we meets ‘em we fucks ‘em,
And when that game grows stale
We sits on a rail,
And pulls out our pricks and they sucks ‘em.There was a young lady named Inge
Who went on a binge with a dinge.
Now I won’t breathe a word
O f what really occured
But her cunt has a chocolate fringe.An octagenerian Jew
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
This was not from compunction,
But due to dysfunction
Of his spermatic glands nuts to you.“Snyder’s got a stiff ticket,” said Kay,
“Come on, take it out, and let’s play.”
He pulled it on out,
But she started to pout,
His ticket was only a quarter inch stout.A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.There was an old lady who lay
With her legs wide apart in the hay,
Then, calling the ploughman,
She said, “Do it now, man!
Don’t wait till your hair has turned gray.”There was a young lady of Lee
Who scrambled up into a tree,
When she got there
Her arsehole was bare,
And so was her K U N T.A worn out young husband named Lehr
Her daily his wife’s plaintive prayer:
“Slip on a sheath, quick,
Then slip your big dick
Between these lips covered with hair.”There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, “Stop the plumbing,
There’s somebody coming!”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me.”Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
Dit elle, “Arretez!
J’entends quelqu’un venait.”
Dit le plombier, en plombant, “C’est moi.”Es gibt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
Sie sagt, “Halt sein’ plummen,
Ich hore Mann kommen.”
“Jacht, jacht,” sagt der Plummer, “Ich binz.”Prope mare erat tubulator
Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
Dessine ingressus
Audivi progressus:
Est mihi inquit tubulator.Have you heard of knock kneed Samuel McGuzzum
Who married Samantha, his bow legged cousin?
Some people say,
Love finds a way,
But for Sam and Samantha it doesn’.In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
Spoke of Spengler and ate crackers too.
His wife said, “Oh, stuff
That philosophy guff
Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!”There was a young lady named Maud
A terrible society fraud:
In company, I’m told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh God!There was a young lady named May
Who strolled in a park by the way,
And she met a youg man
Who fucked her and ran
Now she goes to the park every day.There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
Discovered his sex life was hapless:
The more he would screw
The more he’d want to,
And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was a folly.
Said she, “Your pee pee
Means nothing to me,
But I’ll do it just to be jolly.”Of his face she thought not very much,
But then, at the very first touch,
Her attitude shifted
He was terribly gifted
At frigging and fucking and such.The King plugged the Queen’s ass with mustard
To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
And cried, “Oh, my dear,
I am coming, I fear,
But the mustard will make you come ‘plus tard’.”There was a young lad from Nahant
Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
When asked, “Do you fuck?”
He replied, “No such luck.
I would if I could but I can’t.”There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, “You’re a sluggard!”
Said he, “You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow and I shall.”There was a young man of Natal
And Sue was the name of his gal.
One day, north of Aden,
He got his hard rod in,
And came clear up Suez Canal.There was a gay dog from Ontario
Who fancied himself a Lothario.
At a wench’s glance
He’d snatch off his pants
And make for her Mons Venerio.There was a young man of Ostend
Who let a girl play with his end.
She took hold of Rover,
And felt it all over,
And it did what she didn’t intend.There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
“It’s no use, my duck,
Interrupting our fuck,
For I’m damned if I draw till I spend.”There was a young fellow from Parma
Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
Said the damsel, demure,
“You’ll excuse me, I’m sure,
But I must say you fuck like a farmer.”A newly wed man of Peru
Found himself in a terrible stew:
His wife was in bed
Much deader than dead,
And so he had no one to screw.There was a young girl of Pitlochry
Who was had by a man in a rockery.
Sh said, “Oh! You’ve come
All over my bum;
This isn’t a fuck it’s a mockery.”There was a young lady from Prentice
Who had an affair with a dentist.
To make things easier
He used anesthesia,
And diddled her, `non compos mentis’.There was a young man with a prick
Which into his wife he would stick
Every morning and night
If it stood up all right
Not a very remarkable trick.His wife had a nice little cunt:
It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
And with this she would fuck him,
Though sometimes she’d suck him
A charming, if commonplace, stunt.There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.A young lady sat on a quay,
Just as propper as propper could be.
A young fellow goosed her,
And roughly seduced her,
So she thanked him and went home to tea.I once was annoyed by a queer
Who made his intentions quite clear.
Said I, “I’m no prude,
So don’t think me rude,
But I’m already stewed, screwed, and tattooed.”A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
Preferred frigging to going to mass.
Said her husband, “Take Jacques,
Or any young cock,
For I cannot live up to your ass.”The King named Oedipus Rex
Who started this fuss about sex
Put the world to great pains
By the spots and the stains
Which he made on his mother’s pubex.Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
Who said with a wink and a smile,
“Sure, please stick it in,
Be it thick be it thin,
But if’s rough I won’t do as a file.”There was a young lady of Rhyll
In an omnibus was taken ill,
So she called the conductor,
Who got in and fucked her,
Which did more good than a pill.There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
Said he with a grin,
“Well, I’ve sure got it in!”
Said she, “You mean that ain’t your finger?”A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a lady named Cleo.
As she took down her panties
She said, “No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio!”A young Juliet of St. Louis
On a balcony stood acting screwy.
Her Romeo climbed,
But he wasn’t well timed,
And half way up, off he went blooey!Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
When his prick wouldn’t rise for a lay,
“You must sieze it, and squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn’t built in a day.”There was a young man from Siam
Who said, “I go in with a wham,
But I soon lose my starch
Like the mad month of March,
And the lion comes out like a lamb.”Prince Absalom lay with his sister
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
But the kid was so tight,
And it was deep night
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine;
At twenty to ten it was in her.
The dinner, not Skinner
Skinner was in her before dinner.There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine,
And at twenty to ten it was up her. Not the supper
not Tupper
It was some son of a bitch named Skinner!“My back aches. My penis is sore.
I simply can’t fuck any more.
I’m dripping with sweat,
And you haven’t come yet;
And, my God! it’s a quarter to four!”There was a young lady of Spain
Who took down her pants on a train.
There was ayoung porter
Saw more than he orter,
And asked her to do it again.There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To I won’t say a bitch
But a woman of no reputation.There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my, how his practice has grown!A sailor who slept in the sun
Woke to find his fly buttons undone.
He remarked with a smile,
“Jesus Christ, a sundial!
And it’s now a quarter past one.”A plumber whose name was Ten Brink
Plumbed the cook as she bent o’er the sink.
Her resistance was stout,
And Ten Bring petered out
With his pipe wrench all limber and pink.The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame
A discharge is a wondeful thing.I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
I wonder can she tell
That I’ve been raising hell;
Wonder if she’ll know that I’ve been tight?My wife is just as nice as can be,
I hope she doesn’t feel to nice toward me,
For an afternoon of joy
Is hell on the old boy.
I wonder what the wife will want tonight!There’s an unbroken babe from Toronto,
Exceedingly hard to get onto,
But when you get there,
And have parted the hair,
You can fuck her as much as you want to.Une joile epousetta a Tours
Voulait de gig gig tous le jours.
Mais le mari disait, “Non!
De trop n’est pas bon!
Mon derriere exige du secours!”A pretty wife living in Tours
Demanded her daily amour.
But the husband said, “No!
It’s to much. Let it go!
My backsides are dragging the floor.”In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.I asked as I tickled her tit
If she thought that my big thing would fit.
She said it would do
So we had a good screw
In the shade of the old apple tree.In the shade of the old apple tree
I got all that was coming to me.
In the soft dewy grass
I had a fine piece of ass
From a maiden that was fine to see.I could hear the dull buzz of the bee
As he sunk his grub hooks into me.
Her ass it was fine
But you should have seen mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.A lad from far off Transvaal
Was lustful, but tactful withal.
He’d say, just for luck,
“Mam’selle, do you fuck?”
But he’d bow till he almost would crawl.There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in ‘em.
On her knees every day
To god she would pray
To lengthen and stregthen and thicken ‘em.There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
For it tickled her bum
And caused her to come
.siht gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihWThere once was a husky young Viking
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
Every time he got hot
He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking.At the moment Japan declared war
A sailor was fucking a whore.
He said, “After this poke
`Long and hard’ ain’t no joke;
This means months till I get back ashore.”There was a young lady of Wheeling
Said to her beau, “I’ve a feeling
My little brown jug
Has need of a plug”
And straightaway she started to peeling.Two anglers were fishing off Wight
And his bobber was dipping all night.
Murmured she, with a laugh,
“It’s ready to gaff,
But don’t break your rod which is light.”A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
And said, “Bother the fish!
I’d rather coish!”
Which they did which was why they had come.As two consular clerks in Madras
Fished, hidden in deep shore grass,
“What a marvelous pole,”
Said she, “but control
Your sinkers they’re banging my ass.”Love letters no longer they write us,
To their homes they so seldom invite us.
It grieves me to say,
They have learned with dismay,
We can’t cure their `vulva pruritus’.There was a young student from Yale
Who was getting his first piece of tail.
He shoved in his pole,
But in the wrong hole,
And a voice from beneath yelled: “No sale!”In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls and he had ‘em.There was a young bride of Antigua
Whose husband said, “Dear me, how big you are!”
Said the girl, “What damn’d rot!
Why, you’ve only felt my twot,
My legs and my arse and my figua!”There was a young damsel named Baker
Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
He yelled, “My God! what
Do you call this a twat?
Why, the entrance is more than an acre!”There was once a mechanic named Bench
Whose best tool was a sturdy gut wrench.
With this vibrant device
He could reach, in a trice,
The innermost parts of a wench.There was a young man of Bengal
Who swore he had only one ball,
But two little bitches
Unbuttoned his britches,
And found he had no balls at all.A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
Had a pussy as large as a muff.
It had room for both hands
And some intimate glands,
And was soft as a little ducks’s fluff.There was a young lady named Blount
Who had a rectangular cunt.
She learned for diversion
Posterior perversion,
Since no one could fit here in front.There was a young fellow named Bowen
Whose pecker kept growin’ and growin’.
It grew so tremendous,
So long and so pendulous,
‘Twas no godd for fuckin’ just showin’.There was a young lady named Brent
With a cunt of enormous extent,
And so deep and so wide,
The acoustics inside
Were so good you could hear when you spent.There was a young girl from the Bronix
Who had a vagina of onyx.
She had so much `tsoris’
With her clitoris,
She traded it in for a Packard.There was a young lady from Brussels
Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
She could easily plex them
And so interflex them
As to whistle love songs through her bustles.There was a young lady of Bude
Who walked down the street in the nude.
A bobby said, “Whattum
Magnificent bottom!”
And slapped it as hard as he could.There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.There was a young girl of Cah’lina,
Had a very capricious vagina:
To the shock of the fucker
“Twould suddenly pucker,
And whistle the chorus of “Dinah.”A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they asked her its size
She replied in surprise,
“Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?”There was a fat lady of China
Who’d a really enormous vagina,
And when she was dead
They painted it red,
And used it for docking a liner.I met a young man in Chungking
Who had a very long thing
But you’ll guess my surprise
When I found that its size
Just measured a third finger ring!There was a young man of Coblenz
Whose ballocks were simply immense:
It took forty four draymen,
A priest and three laymen
To carry them thither and thence.There was an old man of Connaught
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed
The old woman said,
“This isn’t a prick, it’s a wart.”There once was a girl from Cornell
Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
When you touched them they shrunk,
Except when she was drunk,
And then they got bigger than hell.There once was a lady of Crete
So enormously broad in the beam
That one day in the ocean
She caused such commotion
That Admiral Byrd claimed her for America.The source of this story is StoriesonlineTo read the complete story you need to be logged in:
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