Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
These are compliments of Mario:
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.” Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of women? “God said, “Ah, yes. “ “Well, “ said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.”
God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read.
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
“Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... “ God said to Arthur.
“But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours.”
Magic Sandals A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ‘You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop... ‘ So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, ‘I ‘ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.’ Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, ‘How could sandals make you a sex freak?’ The Jamaican replied, ‘Just try dem on, Mon.’ Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild Look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: ‘You got dem on de wrong feet!’.
A woman was enjoying a good game of Golf with her girlfriends.
“Oh, NO... !” she suddenly exclaimed.
“Look at the time... ! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband.
He’ll be so annoyed if it’s not ready on time.”
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of Cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of Cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.
She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
“Darling, this is the best dinner you’ve made me in 40 years of marriage... ! You can make this for me any day.”
Needless to say, every Golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her Golf partners about it and they were all horrified.
“You’re going to kill him... !” they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, “You killed him... !
We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in... !
How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?”
The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was trying to lick his arse... !”
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled “I’m arresting you for being good in bed”