Chapter 717

This one is compliments of J and B.

Marine Humor

The Korean War in which the 1st Marine Division fought and won some of its most brutal battles was not without its humor.

During one such conflict, an ROK (Republic of Korea) Commander whose unit was fighting along with the Marines called legendary Marine General “Chesty” Puller to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

“How many Chinese are attacking you?” asked Puller.

“Many, many Chinese!” replied the excited Korean officer.

General Puller asked for another count and got the same answer, “Many, many, many Chinese!”

“#%$@*^$@#!” swore General Puller; “put my Marine liaison officer on the radio.”

In a minute, an American voice came over the air: “yes, sir.”

“Lieutenant,” growled Chesty, “exactly how many Chinese you got up there”?

“General, we got a whole shit load of Chinese up here”!

“Thank God,” exclaimed Puller, “at least there’s someone up there who knows how to count”!

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Toronto, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.

“If you do not mind me saying,” stated the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?”

“I regret I cannot”, lamented the first Arab. “It is permanently stuck in my ass.”

“I do not understand,” said the other.

The first Arab says, “I was walking along Bloor Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Canadian Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out. He said, “I am Captain Canada, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”

I said, “No shit?”

God Bless Canada

This one is compliments of neuberger

Here is one that should come with a warning to not drink or eat while reading.

“As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
 fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
 went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at
 Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go, you’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?’
’ You’re kidding me!’ ‘Who would buy that?’ Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

 I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
 as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
 hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. ‘Love Dolls’ come in many different
 models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
 things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable
 Louise.’ She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a ‘doll’ took a huge leap of imagination.

 On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

 My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
 with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
 what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
 more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. ‘What the hell is that?’ she asked.

 My brother quickly explained, ‘It’s a doll.’

’Who would play with something like that?’ Granny snapped.

 I kept my mouth shut.