Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'
'Well, that's a little different, ' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50
My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies.
I know he's cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters.
I know because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night.
We sleep in separate beds because he's always telling me he knows I'm a lesbian and my varicose veins and ugly face turn him off!
Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby?
Your advice would be appreciated.
Mad as Hell
Dear Mad as Hell,
You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out ASAP!
Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady!
Remember ... you're running for President of the United States, so try acting like it!
This one is from Gary:
This is probably has a few repeats but worth reading again.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the... ?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.(30 minutes ... lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity)