Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
This is compliments of noway!
Different views on the same topic...
The optimist says the glass is half full.
The pessimist says the glass is half empty.
The mother of a five-year-old says "Sweetheart it's whatever you want it to be, just please let mummy have five minutes peace and quiet."
The engineer says "Fortunately I put half my water in a redundant glass"
The project manager says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
The realist says the glass contains half the required amount of liquid for it to overflow.
The conservative says, "Who stole half my water?"
The fanatic thinks the glass is completely full, even though it isn't.
The physicist says that the glass is not empty at all - it is half-filled with water and half-filled with air.
The politician says that's not my glass, mine was bigger.
The drinker says "Who's buying the next round?"
The poor person says "I'd rather have a glass half-empty than no glass at all."
The rich person says "You can have whatever water trickles over the edge"
The drunk says: Which glass?
The Plumber says: You've got a leak.
This one is compliments of Don
You Might Be A Conservative if...
You've named your kids "Deduction one" and
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress
"Tootsie" or "Sweetie"
You answer to "The Man."
You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you suspect Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You use any of these terms to describe your wife:
Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
You've ever said "civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties."
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the "liberal media."
You think all artists are gay.
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
This is compliments of the 'Shy One'