Chapter 365

Compliments of RabbiRabbit

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers

Tom's wife stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

MY NOOKIE DAYS ARE OVER

MY PILOT LIGHT IS OUT

WHAT USE TO BE MY SEX APPEAL

IS NOW MY WATER SPOUT

TIME WAS WHEN ON ITS OWN ACCORD

FROM MY TROUSERS IT WOULD SPRING

BUT NOW I HAVE A FULL TIME JOB

TO FIND THE GOSH DARN THIN

IT USE TO BE EMBARRASSING

THE WAY IT WOULD BEHAV

FOR EVERY SINGLE MORNING

IT WOULD STAND AND WATCH ME SHAV

NOW AS OLD AGE APPROACHE

IT SURE GIVES ME THE BLUE

TO SEE IT HANG IT'S LITTLE HEAD

AND WATCH ME TIE MY SHOES