Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
This one is compliments of Dave:
HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a second hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Splash a little watered down rusty red paint on the sidewalk.
5. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
These are compliments of Larry
--A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.
The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going steady, is she ready?"
The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.
The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.
The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: "Hi, I'm Chuck"
The farmer shot him.
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service, and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything'."
The local restaurant was so sure that its host was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The host would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the squeezed lemon would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could get another drop out of a lemon after the host had squeezed it.