Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
This one is compliments of Rrrosco
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year ... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves ... and begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus". Then we all go to the Bahamas.
These are compliments of the 'Shy One'
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lisa & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lisa explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide, ' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought:
'This is going to make a loud noise.
So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
This one is my favorite!
A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun ... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.