Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
This group is compliments of Rrrosco from the Land Down Under
A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden
Senator out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car...
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the copper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car.
He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.
If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I've never before heard – I'll let you go..."
The old gentleman paused then said, "Thirty three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman;
I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the copper.
The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said,
"You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying,
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here."
When asked why, he replied,
"I'd rather be in Tasmania 'cause everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
The young man from NT came running into the store and said to his mate, "Johnno, somebody just stole your car from the parking lot!"
Johnno replied, "Did ya see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but
I got the license number."
A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked,
"Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "about what?"
The copper pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his car into the ditch.
The copper asked,
"Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?
Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied.
"That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"
This group is compliments of Jerry
Football Season Is Here
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:
"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on
Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his
How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit?"
"Will the defendant please rise."
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.