Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these Election speeches,
There wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become Prime Minister or Premier;
I'm beginning to believe it.
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and
Your opponents will do it for you.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel,
Go out and buy some more tunnel.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich,
By promising to protect each from the other.
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us,
I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter
To be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead! Of giving a politician the keys to the city,
It might be better to change the locks.
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
These are compliments of Rrrosco
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,
'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts
God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly, ' says the Angel, 'but even in
Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.
A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.
One of them remarked "You have been observing the white man now for 90 years.
You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued "considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white fella go wrong?"