Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
A true Canadian joke!
A female Mountie pulled over a drunk Newfie fisherman driving home down a back road.
She said, "You're under arrest. Anything you say, can and will be held against you."
"Tits!" replied the Newfie.
Something to think about...
As we grow older, and hence wiser, we slowly realize that wearing a $300 or $30.00 watch ... they both tell the same time...
Whether we carry a $300 or $30.00 wallet/handbag ... the amount of money inside is the same;
Whether we drink a bottle of $300 or $10 wine ... the hang over is the same;
Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3000 sq.ft ... if you live in it on your own ... loneliness is the same.
You will realize, as you grow older that true inner happiness does not come from the material things of this world.
Whether you fly first or economy class, if the plane goes down ... you go down with it...
Therefore, when you have mates, buddies and old friends, brothers and sisters, who you chat with, laugh with, talk with, have sing songs with, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven & earth, ... That is true happiness!!
Five Undeniable Facts of Life:
1. Don't educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be Happy. So when they grow up they will know the value of things not the price.
2. Best awarded words in London... "Eat your food as your medicines. Otherwise you have to eat medicines as your food."
3. The One who loves you will never leave you because even if there are 100 reasons to give up ... he or she will find a reason to hold on.
4. There is a big difference between a human being and being human. Only a few really understand it.
5. You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die. In between, You have to manage!
If you just want to Walk Fast, Walk Alone! But if you want to Walk Far, Walk Together!
Six Best Doctors in the World
5. Self Confidence and
Maintain them at all stages and enjoy a healthy life.
A conversation in heaven
BETTY: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Betty. How'd you die?
BETTY: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
BETTY: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
BETTY: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
BETTY: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --we'd both still be alive.
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well ... you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."