Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
Two Irish nuns have just Arrived in USA by boat, And one says to the other,
"I hear that the people in This country actually eat Dogs."
"Odd," her companion Replies, "but if we shall Live in America, we Might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a Push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs Here," and they both Walk towards the hot dog Cart.
"Two dogs, please!," says One. The vendor is very Pleased to oblige, wraps Both hot dogs in foil and Hands them over. Excited, The nuns hurry to a bench And begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is First to open hers.
She begins to blush, And then, after staring At it for a moment, leans To the other nun and in A soft brogue whispers:
"What part did you get?"
God Loves Drunks too!
There's a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "its 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 in the morning and it's frigin' well pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he's told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.
These are compliments of Chuck One night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started in the local chemical plant. In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments were called as the situation became desperate. As firemen arrived, the president shouted out the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
A lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian Rural Township Volunteer Fire Company, composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, other firemen watched as Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides ... a performance and effort never seen before!
In a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!
This may be a repeat ... but...