Jokes and Giggles
Chapter 166

Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt

Golf, If You had a Caddy

Number :10

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes ... You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so ... That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course ... We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 ... Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus...

An old favorite ... About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole...

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy...

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems... ?"

Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."

Golfer: He picks up his club up and says, "I don't see anything."

Caddy: "Other end."

Don't look down on anyone unless you are helping them up...


This one is compliments of Chuck ... With thanks

The ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

Two Different Versions...

Two Different Morals


OLD VERSION :

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN VERSION :

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving...

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green... '

Occupy the Anthill stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the SEIU group singing, We shall overcome.

Then Rev Al Sharpton's assistant has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper while he damns the ants. The Reverend Al cannot attend as he has contractual commitments to appear on his MSNBC show for which he is paid over two million dollars a year to complain that rich people do not care.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames

President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the

Pope for the grasshopper's plight...

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview on The View that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

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