Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
This one is compliments of salyers1932
Karl Marx never achieved the wit and humor of Groucho Marx. Here is a sampling of the funny Marx.
Groucho Marx, may he rest in peace, processed the world with a quirky mind:
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
All people are born alike ... except Republicans and Democrats.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Whatever it is, I'm against it.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Time wounds all heels.
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?
The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.
I must admit, I was born at an early age.
Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.